


Let me introduce you to you

by robbers_1975



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-11-29 12:16:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 50,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11440686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robbers_1975/pseuds/robbers_1975
Summary: "Sometimes you meet someone, and it's so clear that the two of you, on some level belong together. As lovers, or as friends, or as family, or as something entirely different. You just work, whether you understand one another or you're in love or partners in crime. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive. I don't know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in something."





	1. newbies should stick together, right ?

**Author's Note:**

> hi ! 
> 
> so this is my first work, and also, english isn't my first language but I swear it's not as bas as it sounds haha. I have lots of ideas for this fic and I'll update every couple of days. so I hope you give it a chance and stick with me for what's next!  
> also, I wanna say, it's kind of a slow-burn i guess ??
> 
> anyway, if you see any mistakes, feel free to let me know! enjoy! :)

To say Christen was nervous was an understatement. She was a mess.  
Well, really at first, she had it all under control. She told herself 10pm would be a perfect time to go to bed : late enough to drift away quickly but early enough to get the amount of sleep she needed.

So she lied on her bed, closed her eyes and tried to relax. The sweet stream of air coming from her window was keeping her cool, and the sound of the palm leaves hit by the wind was quite comforting to her.  
She felt safe and good, maybe that’s why she thought she would just mentally check if she forgot anything to pack for _the big day_.

But then she started thinking about _the big day_. How she feared seeing old faces again, and leaving the ones she saw everyday for 2 years. And how she was going to be the new kid again, but this time for her junior year of college; which is even worst, if you ask her, considering everyone already has their own little group of friends.  
That’s how Christen fell asleep, 2 hours later and wondering if Stanford was going to be good to her.

 

***

 

She woke up pretty much in the same state. But tried to put aside the knot she was feeling in her stomach and got dressed. She opted for a high waisted short and a white crop top considering walking in Cali in late august was basically like walking in hell.

She still had 15 minutes before hitting the road, so she made herself a coffee. Grabbing a cup, she spots a note on the counter. It was her parents, telling her they loved her and most importantly to call them every half hour which made Christen crack a smile.  
They had spent the week trying to convince her that they could take a day off to help her out, but Christen assured them it was fine. She didn’t want to cry in front of them and especially the morning of the big day. Her stomach dropped at the thought, but a sudden buzz from her phone caught her attention. On her screen, she read :

**Kelley : Look how excited I am!!!!!!!! See you soon Pressi!**

She unlocked her screen and saw a picture attached. It was Kelley’s face, eyes wide opened, with a smile so huge she could see the back of the girl’s throat.  
There it was, the silly freckled face she had missed so dearly.

Christen had known Kelley for as long as she could remember.  
The first day of kindergarten Christen had asked Kelley why she had poo all over her face. So when all the kids laughed at her, Kelley had fired back by mocking Christen’s so called "little tooth". But later on, when all the other girls went to play with barbie dolls, the two girls found themselves playing with a ball on their own. Although it cost them a couple nicknames for a while, it was all worth it.  
Since that day, they remained inseparable, attached by the hip. Went to school together, then to high school, and through all the crap that being a teenager implies, together.

So when Christen announced to Kelley that she wasn’t going to Stanford (as they always said they would), after a couple of arguments, Kelley had her back. And when Christen announced to Kelley that she was coming to Stanford for her junior year 2 months ago, after a couple of laughs, Kelley had her back.  
She immediately told her that she’d come live with her and some other teammates, that they would score goals together, party together, as they always said they would and that it would be awesome.

Of course they had kept in touch through the years, but not seeing each other much and speaking only over the phone was kind of a barrier. Plus she didn’t know if Kelley’s friends would like her, or even if Kelley would like her still for all she knew! But she had agreed to Kelley’s proposition. Because it was their dream after all, and she missed Kelley so much. But the main reason was leaving her current college was a priority. And now seeing that face again made her think that maybe everything was gonna be fine.

She was going to make this work and nothing would stop her.  
But for now, she hugged and covered with kisses Morena and Khaleesi for a solid 5 minutes.  
When she felt ready, she left her house with her suitcase, got into her car, put her wild hair into a bun and with a last glance at her home, started the car.

 

***

 

The ride went smoothly and a couple of hours later, Christen finally reached her destination.  
She parked in front of a rather big house, checking one more time the address Kelley had left her.

 _well, look like it’s here, it’s perfect, everything is perfect, and everything is going to be juste fine_ , she told herself. The brunette took one deep breath and gathered the last bit of courage she could.  
Knocking at the door was the scariest thing Christen had ever done, but then hearing someone running inside, everything felt a little less intimidating.  
The door opened and Christen was snapped out of her thoughts by a familiar face throwing herself at her.

" Pressi, i missed you so so much ", Kelley shouted in a tight embrace.

Christen was pretty sure she was now deaf, but she was too happy to complain.

"Oh Kel, i missed you too," she offered, reciprocating the hug, "and that gentle grip of yours."

"See you guys, that’s why you should never skip gym day," the girl screamed towards the hallway, releasing her friend.

They stared at each other for a few seconds as if to remember again, before Kelley spoke again.

"So where is your suitcase ? Did you had a safe ride ?" she asks in a hurry, "oh my god you gotta meet the girls."

Kelley was already pacing towards the car before Christen could speak. She was like an excited puppy and Christen couldn’t stop grinning. In this moment, everything felt right.  
The small girl was in the middle of telling her how much she looked even more beautiful than before when they reached the end of the small hallway. It led to a beautiful wide living room. She looked on her left to find a door and a large glass filling the top half of the wall, separating the area from a kitchen. Her eyes wandered again, and soon landed on two strong silhouettes sitting on a couch.  
The first one stood up and greeted her with a warm smile. Definitely the most beautiful Christen had ever seen so far.

"Hi, I’m Ali," she said giving a quick hug, "so nice to finally see THE Christen Press!"

"Nice to meet you too, hope i’ll meet your expectations." she laughed glancing suspiciously at Kelley.

"Well, I might have expressed my excitement.." Kelley winked with a grin but was cut off right away by the taller girl.

"By "might", you mean the constant reminder about your favorite girl coming to kick our asses ?" the girl named Ali said with an amused look.

To be honest, Christen was more embarrassed than flattered by the revelation, but she knew Kelley couldn't contain her joy when she was thrilled about something. And while the two were arguing about how Ali talked way more about a certain person than Kelley about Christen, the second silhouette stood up.  
It was the person she dreaded the most.

"Hey", the blonde girl whispered.

"Hi, Julie" Christen said back.

It wasn’t tension, but more like sorrow. That kept them from talking. Like something still tasting bitter, not allowing them to be fully happy to be reunited again.  
Christen guessed silence was too loud cause Kelley picked up on the situation and jumped in :

"So I bet you’re hungry huh, Pressi ?" she tried with an funny look.

"Well actually yes, thanks." she answered trying to sound casual. She was praying her friend wasn’t about to recount that story again.

"Oh that’s funny you know, cause that reminds me of.." she began a goofy smile playing on her lips.

"Oh my god, here we go," she desperately said "AGAIN."

"This one time after practice we decided to eat out with the team. So, we go in this nice restaurant near our hotel. And well, fancy Christen orders a fancy vegan salad, and makes us all look like a bunch of starving disgusting people for ordering REAL consistent food." she pursues, suppressing a giggle. While Christen on her side, tries hard not to roll her eyes.  
"So she makes fun of us for being gross throughout the whole time, right ? And so dinner ends, everybody decides to go out and have some more fun, except Chris. But then karma hits me and halfway to the club, I realize I forgot my fake ID. And see, Pressi and I were roomies back then.."

"So, we go back to the hotel." Julie recalls with a nostalgic smile, "And when we enter the room, Christen is laying in bed, two buckets of KFC in her arms, and hot sauce all over her face."

The three of them burst into laughter and Christen feels lighter about Julie, but also the need to defend herself.

"To be fair, I hadn’t had breakfast that day, and it WAS a tough practice." she pouts crossing her arms.

"See, I like you already." Ali delivers chuckling.

After calming her blushing, Christen feels comfortable again and the conversation goes smoothly.  
It’s an easy chat, and when Ali asks why the sudden move from Chadwick to Stanford, Christen only mentions the professional reason, the football reason, and how much she wants to be in a successful team. She decides now is too early to evoke anything else.

"So you three were in high school together huh?" Ali says after sipping her drink, "how was this one back then ?", pointing to Kelley.

"Well pretty much the same since she still hasn’t matured yet." Julie answers, avoiding the first interrogation, "Actually I have to go, Zach and I have plans today."

She reciprocates the grimace Kelley is doing to her, and then turns to Christen.

"It’s nice seeing you around again Chris." she offers with a small smile.

Christen hopes the smile she offers back is as warm and loving, and she watches the girl leave the room.

"See you tonight loosers." is the last thing they hear before the door closing.

"Oh right! The party." bounces Ali.

Christen throws an interrogative look to both of them.

"Well the guy’s soccer team is throwing a party tonight before school starts and a lot of other teams will probably join too" Kelley says getting up, "and since we are celebrating the arrivals of new teammates.. "

"Teammate **S** ?" Christen asks, anxiousness creeping out again.

"Yes there’s this girl, she’s serious business I’ve heard, she’s got one foot on the Nat’ Team already." Kelley answers, and then clapping her hands with a sly grin on her lips "Okay ladies, Imma get ready for tonight, and so should you."

Maybe her nervousness is showing more than she thinks because Christen feels a hand on her thigh.

"Hey, I like you better already." Ali whispers with a spark in her eyes that has become more familiar now.

She shouldn’t worry about that.  
Maybe it’s her lack of confidence, or maybe her ability to stress over everything and overthink every situations. But what if that girl was a better player than her, or people liked her more ?  
Her thoughts are interrupted by the other girl, offering to show Christen her room. She figures that Ali and some other girls were hanging out a lot here since she knew the house like the back of her hand without actually living in it.

The 3 bedrooms were upstairs along with one bathroom. Julie and Kelley had their room on the same side, and in the middle was a bathroom they would share. And so across was Christen’s bedroom. The two girls had decided to offer Christen the room with a bathroom in it as a "gift to make you feel welcomed".  
That’s where Ali left Christen. She excused herself and explained that her roommates were home by now after having picked up the new girl, so she could finally get ready. From what Christen had understood, a girl named Alex, and another one Ashlyn (she thinks) lived in another house and Ali was basically living with them, but now that miss new girl was here, Ali may had to leave her spot ?  
She made a mental note to ask Kelley what was going on there cause she clearly didn’t quite get that part.

She went for a shower, picked an outfit, quite similar to the one she had put on this morning, and put on a touch of makeup. Looking at her empty bedroom, she figures she’ll have time to make it feel like home in the upcoming days.  
And although Christen wasn't really fond of parties and was tired from driving the whole day, she decides it is for the best to meet the team as soon as possible. Waiting would make her feel even more nervous anyway.

So she goes downstairs and meets Kelley, who is surprisingly ready to go.

"Damn Chris are you trying to kill me ?" she says dramatically placing a hand on her chest.

"Stop hitting on me already, you’re not my type." she jokes back with a huge smile.

"Ouch," Kelley pretends to be hurt, and then continues "So we have to walk a a few blocks to get there."

"Sounds good." Christen answers.

They close the door and Christen is about to start walking when she feels a grip on her arm.

"Hey, there." Kelley says, handing a key to her friend, "Welcome home Chris."

Christen takes a few seconds, and mumbles a gentle "thanks" in a warm hug.  
They fall into an easy pace and Kelley updates Christen on some roommates stuff, team gossip, on their way.

"And then there’s Alex she’s my favorite here," Kelley says happily "well WAS my favorite since now you’re here." she corrects herself after receiving a gentle punch in the arm.

"Oh yeah? What position does she play ?" she asks, genuinely curious.

"She’s a forward like you" she says with excitement, "so she may seems mean at first cause she’s weird about the competition stuff but then when she’ll get to know you, you’ll see she can actually be a good friend."

"Well can’t wait ’til we get to know each other then." she answers, suppressing a brief wave of anxiousness.

"Yeah, she lives with our goalkeeper Ashlyn and so basically with Ali too." Kelley explains.

Christen means to ask why living with Ashlyn implies living with Ali but the music blasting through a house interrupts them.

They enter the house and Kelley was right, a couple of other teams definitely joined. They both take a beer and Kelley lets her know that she’ll introduce her along. They first spot Ali talking to a blonde haired girl and an equally tall brunette. Kelley immediately motions for them to come.

The brunette directly grabs Kelley’s shoulder.

"Oh my god we’ve been looking for you everywhere," she shouts hinting a presence of alcohol in her system, "you have to meet Tobin, she’s like the coolest. She told us all about the Nat’ players and everything !"

"Oh where is she ?" Kelley answers with the same excitement.

"Well probably hiding far away from this one considering she didn’t let the poor girl breath for a single second since she had one foot in the car." the tattooed girl delivers, with an annoyed look.

She then proceeds to look right at Christen.

"Sorry for that, I’m Ashlyn and you must be Christen right ?" she says warmly, "I keep hearing good stuff about you from those two." she says, referencing to Ali and Kelley.

"Good to meet you too," Christen offers with a large smile, "please tell me you don’t know about the KFC story yet ?"

Ali looks guilty and Ashlyn gives Christen a sorry but also amused look. But it’s piercing blue eyes that catch her attention next and stop her chuckling.

"Hi, I’m Alex, the forward of the team." she says extending a hand.

"Hi Alex, nice to put a face on that name." she responds glancing funnily at Kelley.

The handshake is quite firm, but the smile Alex is giving her makes it up for it. Christen can’t help but have mixed feeling about this intimidating girl, but she knows she has to trust Kelley on this one.

The night goes on and Kelley introduces her to a bench of teammates, including a pretty tall Lindsey and a pretty funny Morgan. She sticks to Christen’s side for a few hours but eventually gets caught up into a beer pong with two other girls that strangely look like copies of the freckled girl.  
Christen decides she is done socializing for the night and wanders in the big house, in search of a quiet spot. 

After passing what feels like hundreds of frat boys, she finally reaches a backyard.  
She closes the sliding window behind her and head towards a less enlighten space : an outside lounge where stands a sofa calling Christen’s name.  
She can hear the muffled laughters and music, and the chilly night is cooling her off.  
So she finally sits down but immediately lands on something hard accompanied with a loud "Ouch" from the mass underneath her. She instantly stands up, both scared and surprised, spilling the beer she had just opened all over her.

"What the f.." is all Christen can shout before the cold of the liquor hits her off.

The body stands up as well, and Christen watches big brown eyes go from confused to unbothered in a few seconds.

"Oh come on, can’t I have a minute of sleep today ?" the girl says in an incredibly slow pace looking up at the sky.

Christen knows it isn’t really the girl’s fault. But she was starting to freeze and the uninterested look on that girl’s face was making it hard for Christen not to snap. There she was, standing in a dry hoodie, soccer shorts with a snapback looking effortlessly cool and uninvolved with Christen’s situation.

"What is wrong with you, sleeping in a dark backyard ? with a black blanket over you ? at a party ?" Christen began, anger building up inside, "I’m all wet now, just because you’re a stupid sleepy person.."

The girl suppresses an amused grin and cuts off Christen’s little irritated speech by taking off her hoodie in a mellow movement.

"Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you," the girl says calmly, "here, juste take it okay?" handing her fabric to Christen.

Christen looks perplexed for a second and the girl speaks again as to convince her.

"It’s okay. I’m new to the soccer team, so next time you’ll stop by the fields, just ask for Tobin and I’ll take it back? Or just leave it there." she tries with a shrug.

"I’m new to the team too actually." Christen says, a little more calmly, stunned by the revelation of who is in front of her.

"Oh yeah?" Tobin asks with a hint of surprise, and what Christen thinks is a smirk "Well newbies should stick together right ?" she offers, glancing down at the hoodie.

"Yeah right." Christen mumbles taking the hoodie and looking directly into hazel eyes.

 _Yeah right, as if you needed someone to stick to_ she thought to herself.

The muffled melody of **"Girl" by The Internet** is the only sound covering silence now, and it’s starting too feel a little too much.  
She doesn’t know if it’s rivalry or just those sparkly eyes but she holds her stare. And just when it’s about to get too intense, she feels a buzz in her pocket.  
She immediately looks away and answers her phone isolating herself.  
When she looks back, the girl is already laying on her back on the sofa again.  
Christen sights at the arrogance and is surprised by the voice she hears next.

"Hola mi amor !" a high pitched voice greets her.

She had forgotten to call her.

"Oh hi," she answers, "sorry I didn't call you, the girls kept me busy."

Christen reassured the girl that everything went well, and after a couple of words, the call ended on a "i love you" from both sides.  
Vero was Christen’s girlfriend. And part of the reason she had chosen Chadwick at first, and Stanford now. But she wasn’t going to reminisce all that story at 2:30 am, in a frat guy’s house.

For now, she had to find Kelley and head back home.  
She did find a wild and drunken Kelley 15 minutes later. And ended up back to the house carrying the wild and drunken Kelley on her back because "the floor is so mean, he wants me to fall Pressiiiii."

After laying the precious girl on her bed, Christen went in her own.  
She exhaled the stress of the day, snuggled into her pillow. And that’s how Christen fell asleep, attributing the sweet smell of vanilla to her clean sheets rather than the fabric she hadn’t had the energy to take off.


	2. well, I guess pretending doesn’t pay back that much

Christen wakes up painfully, disturbed by loud music coming from her phone. 

She was usually a morning person, but this particular morning, not so much.  
She normally loved the quiet morning and the sound of nature still asleep. But she mostly liked being ahead of everyone, and think before the world woke up too. It was her way of pausing time and taking care of herself for a hot minute. So Christen was, indeed, the kind of person to put an 8:00 am alarm the following day of a party.

She taps her screen quickly and rubs her eyes in a slow move. Soon enough, she feels the dryness of her throat, and is relieved she put a bottle of water next to her bed before going to the party the previous day.  
After chugging a sip, she finally gets up and quietly opens her bedroom door. The hallway is still dark and the two doors across still closed. So she quickly tiptoes her way down. 

She is quite surprised to find opened curtains and daylight illuminating the living room.  
Glancing to her right, she catches a glimpse of blond hair through the glass of the kitchen.  
She inhales deeply and prays the other girl can stand her presence.

"Hey." Christen whispers in a low voice, entering the kitchen. 

She glances over her old friend who looks up from her phone. She looks perfectly awake, is already dressed and Christen wonders if she went to the party at all. 

"Hi." she answers cracking a smile.

Christen stays glued to her spot. She wants to open her mouth and say she’s sorry. She wants to talk it out right away and go back to the way they used to be. Hell she just wants a chance to make it right again, she’d take whatever Julie was willing to give her. But she closes her mouth again and drops her gaze to the floor. 

But then, Julie speaks again.

"So North Carolina, huh ?" she declares.

Christen raises an eyebrow in confusion. And Julie gestures to Christen’s shirt. Or more precisely to the hoodie, too big for her, that Christen is wearing. 

"Oh weird story." she responds with an annoyed look.

Now that she was recounting the story, she may had been a little bit rough with the girl, but still. 

"Yeah I bet." Julie laughs.

Christen throws a questioning look.

"Well Zach and I came back late, but we decided to stop by for a few minutes, " she tries to keep her seriousness, "I had barely a foot in, first thing I spot : a shirtless Kelley, standing on Emily’s shoulders and a Meghan splashing beer all over her. " 

Christen burst into laughter thinking how this is totally a Kelley thing to do. 

"Yeah but you know she looked like she was having fun, and frankly I didn’t want to deal with those three," she offers with a playful smile, "so I figured I’d let you take care of her for this time." 

"Well, first thank you," Christen says amused," but also, did you know that, for a petite girl, she is quite heavy."

"Oh yeah, I know too well." Julie answers back.

They laugh for a few seconds, and when they regain composure, Julie is looking at her with that softened and tender special look reserved to Christen.  
It makes her feel like old times, and wishing that this uneasiness was gone. It’s this feeling that makes her speak next.

"Hey, would you like to grab a coffee sometime ?" she asks hopeful. 

Julie takes a short time to register the undertone, and the following look on her face confirms that she got the hint about what Christen really implied.

"Yeah sure," she says sweetly," I’d love that."

That answers wins her a bright smile from Christen. Now that the atmosphere is a bit more relaxed, they fall into a comfortable silence and Christen can drink her coffee peacefully.

Until they, first, **hear** loud footsteps and groaning from the living room.  
And then **see** the party monster entering the kitchen : and well, hungover Kelley involves sloppy hair, closed eyes, and of course the same outfit of the previous night.  
The two girls sitting around the isle try to maintain straight faces. 

"Oh look who finally got her shirt back." Julie jokes. 

Kelley makes them know she doesn’t appreciate it with two long groans. She then walks around, hugs Christen from behind, drops her head on her shoulder for 2 seconds and then does the same to Julie.  
Christen wonders how she can be as wild a second and as adorable the next. 

"So, important question, is the floor still mean to you ?" she questions Kelley. 

Kelley is spread out all over the isle and raises her head slowly.

"Well yeah, every time I take a step, it’s turning. That’s not so great you know ?" she whines. 

Julie and Christen glance at each other, and can’t hold back laughter anymore. Teasing their friend was way too enjoyable.

"You guys, I hate you !" she pouts and rests her head in her arms again. 

"Okay," Christen says finally catching her breath "I’ll make you a smoothie." 

Kelley mumbles a "Yay" putting as much energy as she can in it.

Julie keeps teasing Kelley about how she looks, and the freckled one spits out how she’d be in the same state if she didn’t spend all her time with her annoying boyfriend.

"I’m glad Christen doesn’t have one, so I can have her all to myself" she says proudly.

Christen ignores that, and hands her friend the mixture.

"See, already better roomie than JJ," she taunts the blond girl besides her, "thanks Pressi."

"Well first I know you like him," Julie defends herself," and then, don’t be jealous, I’m sure you’ll find your prince charming soon sweetie."

And that’s when Kelley looks at her, dead in the eyes and declares with a serious face. 

"Well, darling, don’t you know ? I’m the prince charming." 

All three of them loose it at this point and the kitchen is filled with laughter and happy hearts again. 

 

*

 

It’s about 10 am, and the three roommates are watching some cartoons when Kelley’s phone rings. 

"Well hello to you too sunshine" Kelley says sarcastically after picking up. Followed by a "Oh my god, yeah yeah I’m on my way right now…Totally halfway… Hm." and then hangs up.

"Forgot you told Alex and the girls you’d meet them for a brunch," Julie pretends to think hard, "am I right ?"

"Oh my god why didn’t you remind me ?" she asks terrified, "Alex is such a freak about people not being on time."

"Hmm, forgot." Julie shrugs. 

Kelley facepalms herself, and turns to Christen in a hurry.

"Wanna come, favorite roomie ?" she rushes. 

"Got some unpacking to do, have fun tho." she shouts to Kelley, already upstairs.

Kelley runs through the front door 2 minutes later, almost breaks her ankle and with a" Bye, ‘was nice knowing you ! ", she is gone.

"And there I was, scared she might had completely changed." Christen voices her previous worry. 

"Yeah," Julie adds, leaning a bit more in the couch "sometimes I wish she had tho."

And it earns a laugh from Christen.

They stay like that for awhile, enjoying each other company, watching cartoons carelessly. 

But Christen knows she has a lot to do, so she excuses herself and prepares to make her space feel like home. 

But first she decides to call her parents again. It’s not that she’s dependent and needs constant reassurance. It’s just that she is grateful for having such a great relationship with them, and they are such a big part of her life, that it only makes sense to speak to them on a daily. Half an hour later, she decides she might as well call Vero, while at it. She responds the second time.

"Hi Chris !" she says, a little too loud.

"Hey you" Christen answers with a smile.

They catch up the little they missed and Christen can hear some noise and laughs in the background. Vero tells her she’s eating out with the rest of the team. And Christen feels a little pinch in her chest at the familiar thought. And after a few words, Vero tells her she should probably go back and Christen quickly agrees. She says bye and before hanging up, she hears the faint voice of Alyssa saying that she misses her. She lies down on her bed and makes a mental note to text her friend.

Christen loved Vero. Well at least, she was pretty sure she did. She just had to figure some things out, away from her.  
Nobody knew about their relationship. It wasn’t Vero’s request, but Christen’s. She wasn’t ashamed about who she was. But she didn’t know who she was. And in her head, Christen was supposed to come out as something defined. And that something wasn’t defined yet, or maybe Christen didn’t want to say it yet. Because, to be honest, Christen was pretty sure only girls were her thing. And untangling liking a specific person or an entire gender had been a great struggle of hers.  
But it was so easy to keep it to herself. You know, having it only to yourself, without nobody knowing and being in your comfort zone. She didn’t want to put it out and wait for it to change everything, to complicate everything. Because she knew once it was out, she couldn’t take it back. And of course she would educate people if they were to be repelled by that part of her, but it was so much easier this way. Or at least she thought it was.  
So for now, she was focused on working things out with her girlfriend, and if being here also gave her some confidence to jump in, she would take it too.

After overthinking things again, she decides she deserves a quick nap and justifies it by the fact that she’ll be more effective and will finish everything in one day. 

 

**

 

She wakes up 30 minutes later or so, full of energy again. She opens her spotify and opts for some **lany** to help her out.

She mostly packed clothes and photos. Which kind of sounds cliché, but it was really all she needed.  
So she takes out all of her fabrics and her shoes, tidying them really methodically. And after unpacking some other little things, it’s the photos’ turn.

She puts one of her with her family (of course including her dogs), and another one with only her siblings on her nightstand. She was such a family type of girl.  
She then proceeds to hang on above her desk a few pictures with friends and one with her Chadwick’s soccer team. 

She’s kinda happy about what she has done with the place and because the key is in the details, she settles some white candles to mend with the white/wooden themed room.  
At this point, she’s basically dancing to" pink skies ", and as the perfect little aspiring youtuber she is, she decides to hang those little lights around her bed. 

She turns around to get the lamps, when her heart almost stops at the sight of someone leaning against her door frame.

"What the hell is wrong with you!" she screams at the lanky body. 

"Nice moves." the girl teases Christen, and offers a huge smile. A smile she hasn’t noticed last night. But it doesn’t matter, she wants it to disappear. 

"Is scaring people some kind of weird kink to you ?" she asks, outraged.

"Hum, well not necessarily," the girl answers, genuinely thinking about it, "but now that you mention it.."

"Oh my god you have some serious issues," Christen cuts her off, "Who let you in ?" 

"Well, for the record, I knocked, but you were kinda too busy to hear," she calmly delivers, holding Christen’s burning gaze, "Kelley told me where your room was." 

"Great, so what exactly do you want ?" she asks, starting to get impatient at the girl’s slow demeanor. 

Tobin takes two steps, stops in front of Christen, and familiar vanilla scent gets even more intoxicating. She looks up into challenging hazel eyes and she would have cringed at the proximity if she wasn’t so angry.  
The realization hits her when she feels a hand tugging" her " sweatshirt. 

"Actually, this." Tobin simply says, maintaining eye contact.

Christen diverts her gaze and wonders if it’s possible to die from embarrassment. A girl she can’t stand surprises her dancing, singing, and still in the hoodie she left a day ago. Great, all she needed.  
Taking a step back, she scans the other girl, a pair of soccer shorts, a grey nike zip hoodie and the same hat. She didn’t look like she needed her hoodie right back, not that Christen cared anyway.  
She pulls it off and hand it to Tobin.

"It’s a precious hoodie, sorry." she says, a playful smile back on her lips.

Christen doesn’t know if she believes her, but she knows she doesn’t care.

"Okay." she says politely, nodding a yes. Taking the garland back, she hopes the girl has some notions about boundaries left and will leave. But her hopes are blown away when she hears the low voice again.

"Chadwick, huh ?", she says looking from her spot at the picture, "it’s pretty close right ? must have been a great reason that pushed you away ?"

Christen doesn’t neither have time nor the energy to deal with it now, so she just fires back.

"And North Carolina is pretty far, must’ve been a good reason that sent you over the other side of the country, right ?"

"Yeah, i guess." she says, with a faint smile, "well, see you downstairs then."

And after stuffing the hoodie in her backpack, she finally leaves the floor.  
Christen goes back to hanging up her lights. And after a few minutes, she kinda feels bad for the other girl. She had no real reason for getting mad at Tobin, both times. She knew she didn’t scare her on purpose. But it was just the way the girl was behaving. She seemed so laid back and not caring about anything. And Christen felt almost despised by the girl. So she explained her unbothered attitude by arrogance; and if there was one thing Christen hated more than anything, it was pretentious people.  
But she wasn’t going to let one person" ruin " her night. So after another shower and quickly putting something presentable, she goes downstairs in a swift move. 

When enters the leaving room, she understands that Kelley brought back all the girls after their brunch. She spots Alex and Ashlyn in a deep conversation, besides Tobin and Kelley. The two girls are playing…Fifa, Christen guesses.  
Kelley has a scarily focused look on her face, while Tobin is spread out on the couch and Christen notices the huge smile has made a reappearance.  
She waves at the two girls talking and Alex throws a quick" Hey " and monopolizes Ashlyn again.  
Christen is about to feel a little bit left out when a hand taps her shoulder. 

"Hey, look who’s doing us the honor to join." Ali says, flashing her best smile. 

"Oh no," Christen stutters a bit "I was just unpacking, I’m sorry I didn’t know you were.."

The last thing Christen needed was people thinking she was impolite, or rude to them. Well, people other than Tobin at least. 

"I know, I was kidding," Ali cuts her off, "Seeing you freaking out is kinda fun tho."

"Well I guess it’s a pattern for Stanford people then." She laughs back.

"So, didn’t see you at the party after you met Ash and Al, "the brunette asks, "had fun ?" 

"Yeah yeah, I had fun" she confides, "But, is it just me or were there an alarming numbers of fu..frat boys back there ?"

"Oh tell me about it," Ali answers, "Ashlyn was about to snap." 

And Christen wonders why anytime the Ali/Ashlyn subjects is evoked, someone interrupts. 

"Okay my ladies, who would like to defy the masters of Fifa." she shouts, referencing to herself and a smiling Tobin.

And Christen isn’t surprised when Alex immediately stands up. 

"Well I’m pretty sure the definition of "master" you have in your dictionary isn’t the same as in mine," she fires back, "cause otherwise you wouldn’t use it. But I’m willing to show you."

"Pick your poison Morgan, losers do the dishes." Kelley says with determination and challenge written all over her face.

Christen wonders if she’s dreaming the scene or if they’re really being competitive over a video game.  
Ashlyn stands up, as if to join Alex’s team when the blue eyed girl speaks. 

"Hum, sorry Ash but you suck at Fifa." she carelessly says. And Ashlyn sits back with an offended expression. 

Alex then makes her best puppy eyes to Ali from her spot. 

"You know there must be a dinner for someone to do the dishes," Ali answers to her friend’s pleading look, "and occasionally for us not to die from starving, you know ?"

Alex throws an annoyed look, and her blue eyes fall on Christen next. 

"Well I guess can’t be worst than Ash." she sights. 

Christen would feel offended if anyone else had said that. But she was starting to understand that it wasn’t a hurtful thing to say to someone for Alex. She thought the brunette’s words were just kind of her competitive side showing and not meant to wound.  
Ashlyn on her side, places a hand on her chest in hurt and announces she’s joining the cooking squad," the one who actually has hearts. ". She stands up freeing her seat for Christen, and joins Julie in the kitchen.  
The girls on the couch mock their friend, and when Christen sits besides Alex, Tobin doesn’t even have one glance for her. 

The game is tight, but Alex and Christen are the winners thanks to a late goal. And well, Christen is glad it’s over, because, dear god, the pressure of being in the same team as Alex Morgan…  
Kelley being a sore loser, the bragging from Alex doesn’t help. Kelley is sitting on the couch, her arms crossed and pouting. While Alex is, of course, parading in front of the freckled girl, shouting "Who’s the master now ?".

"Can’t believe I underestimated you Press." she says casually glancing at Christen. And then jumps on Kelley and starts tickling her. 

Again, no offense taken.  
Tobin on her side, simply stands up and go to the kitchen, smiling at the childish behavior of the two girls.  
She returns a few seconds later with a drink. On the couch, the two girls are no longer battling, but what seems like plotting something. 

"Okay so what do you say rock-paper-scissors, the loser does the dishes by herself ?" Kelley asks Tobin playfully.

"Yeah, okay." she just shrugs. 

And then Christen watches Alex go behind Tobin and gesturing to Kelley. What a surprise it is when Kelley wins. Well, suddenly, Christen understands why Alex is Kelley’s favorite. 

"C’mon guys that’s not fair," Tobin starts "I don’t even know where you keep your washing stuff and.."

"Oh don’t worry" Christen jumps in, "I’ll show you where everything is." 

And then, with a big smile, she completes. 

"What was it ?" she fakes a deep thinking, "newbies should stick together right ?"

And Tobin’s eyes are finally on Christen again, along with a small curious smile.

 

*

 

Everyone is settled in the living room with a plate of pastas in their hands, except Alex, who arrives a couple of minutes later with a sheet and a pen in one hand, and her dinner in the other.  
Christen is sitting on the couch, between her two roommates, Ali and Ashlyn on the smaller one to their left. And well, Tobin is sitting on the floor, her back resting on the bigger sofa under Kelley, and her plate on the coffee table. She is devouring her dinner, when Alex bops next to her.

"Okay so, how many bags do they let you take ?" she asks. 

Tobin wipes some sauce from her mouth and throws a questioning look to the girl.

"Well you know, since I’ll be in the Nat’ Team with you soon, for camp." she explains, ready to note the answer. 

All the girls burst into laughter and Tobin offers her a kind smile. 

The dinner goes on, and the main conversation is basically Kelley and Alex asking all kind of questions to Tobin about soccer and her experiences. So, of course, Christen has to look at the girl. Although she has to admit that she is handling the two curious girls very patiently and nicely, she’s still annoying. The girls are looking at her with heart eyes, and all Tobin is doing is shrugging, and answering with shorts phrases.  
When she finishes her plate, Christen watches the girl standing up and turning to Julie.

"Thanks that was really good." she compliments politely.

And then diverts her big brown eyes to Christen. 

"Hey, are you done eating ?" she asks chewing her bottom lip. 

"Yeah yeah." she answers and stands up. 

Tobin takes the plates of everyone and follows Christen to the kitchen. 

"Sorry if I rushed you," she offers, leaning against the isle, "I don’t want to head back too late."

"It’s okay," Christen says, gesturing to some items, "so use this, and then the plates go there, and forks and stuff there."

She is about to pass the athletic girl leaving her to her chore, when she is stopped by the familiar voice.

"Oh, you’re really not gonna help me out ?" 

Christen turns around and now stands in front of the girl and the sink. 

"Did you just call me a loser ?" she asks with a taunting smile. Guess someone doesn’t have anything to be pretentious about now.

Tobin lets out a small laugh.

"You know I let you guys win right ?" she says calmly, "And despite what Alex thinks, I can actually see her, and notice when she’s behind me." 

And there it was back, the ounce of arrogance only gone for a single second.  
Christen answers simply by a confused look. 

"If we hadn’t lost, Alex would have killed you. You know that right ?" she says with a funny look. 

"We didn’t need you to pretend to beat you." she defends her pride. 

"Please, I was born with a controller in my hands." the girl with the snapback delivers and straightens herself. 

"Oh my god ! So lucky, how gratifying it must be to have such a precious skill." she says sarcastically. 

Tobin smiles and lets out a puff.

"And here I thought it was gonna make you hate me a little less." she says slowly, staring in Christen’s eyes. 

Christen stares right back and now the proximity makes her feel like the room is too small.  
So she quickly grabs the sponge on the sink behind her and throws it gently to Tobin. 

"Well, I guess pretending doesn’t pay back that much." she says.

Tobin catches it with an easy move and laughs a mellow "Noted".

"Goodnight Tobin." Christen says and finally exits the room. 

She then says goodnight to there rest of the girls and goes back to her bedroom.  
She lies in bed and thinks about classes starting soon, as well as soccer. And she squeezes the fabric she holds tighter.  
And that’s how Christen falls asleep, a bit more stressed than the previous night and a vanilla scent replaced by Vero’s shirt.

 

***

 

Christen wakes up at 9:00 am and figures that if she didn’t wake up despite her alarm going off, she really needed those 2 extra hours of sleep.  
Once again, when she arrives downstairs, light is filtering through the living room. But instead of a blond haired girl, it’s a curled up Kelley that she spots on the couch. She has a sleepy face and looks up. 

"Hey Pressi." her face immediately illuminates. 

"Hey you." Christen says, as she sits besides Kelley. 

The smaller girl instantly snuggles against Christen’s shoulder and she may die from cuteness. 

"So you learned to actually wake up at a normal time," she smiles, "so that’s good."

"Well I guess you too." Kelley laughs. 

"I didn’t hear my alarm." Christen says guiltily. 

And they both let out a small laugh. 

"Is Julie awake yet ?" Christen asks as Kelley removes herself from her side. 

"Yes she’s at Zach’s already." Kelley says with a hint of annoyance "She woke me up."

"Poor Kelley." Christen exaggerates. 

Kelley pushes the other girl’s thigh with her foot and stick out her tongue.  
And Christen realizes she really does live with a kid.  
She makes herself a cup of coffee and returns to her previous spot on the couch. 

"So, hey," Kelley catches Christen’s attention, "do you like it in here? I mean, are you feeling good with us ?"

Christen’s smiles at the gesture and the fact that Kelley is doing her best to make her feel like home. And so far, she can a hundred percent say it’s working. 

"Yeah, of course." she reassures her friend, stroking her leg, "It’s perfect."

Kelley is looking at her with the most gentle gaze ever. And yes, Christen definitely likes it in here.  
After a couple of minutes watching tv, Kelley wonders. 

"Oh, by the way, what’s up with Tobin ?" she continues turning her head towards Christen "Why didn’t you call me when you met her at the party." 

"Well, you were kinda busy being shirtless and stuff you know ?" Christen jokes. 

And after a disapproval noise at first, Kelley agrees 10 seconds later. 

"Yeah, that’s fair", she gives in.  
"Hum, Tobin is gonna teach Emily and I some moves today, wanna come ?" 

And maybe it’s the spark in Kelley’s eyes that forces her to cave in. 

"Yeah sure" she says with a small smile. 

They take showers, and get ready in 20 minutes. They decides to take Christen’s car and Kelley notifies her that they’ll have to stop by the other soccer house to pick up Tobin.  
At first, Kelley is glued to the front sit and claims that she is **the** copilot of this car.  
But then they pick up Emily, and Kelley doesn’t really want to be copilot anymore and joins her friend in the back.  
And then they pick up Tobin and Kelley doesn’t even know what’s a copilot anymore, she makes the blond girl sit in front and motions for Tobin to sit besides her. 

The girl enters the car with a ball under her arm and throws a furtive "Hey." to Christen when she catches her eyes in the rear-view mirror.  
The ride goes smoothly and Christen thinks Emily is a way better copilot than the freckled girl in the backseat, and thanks to her, they reach their destination in 30 minutes. It’s a park near campus, that Kelley apparently loves.  
She watches Emily and Kelley bounce and lead a hustled Tobin through the grass.  
They stop at a nice spot, near a small bridge and Christen lets herself drop on the grass.

"You’re not playing ?" Tobin asks her, a couple of meters away.

"Nah, maybe later." Christen shrugs.

And Tobin looks disappointed. _This girl can’t miss an opportunity to make me look stupid can she ?_ is all she thinks to herself.

She’s watching the girl trying to teach some easy tricks first, and when the two girls succeed, she goes for harder moves.  
But her two teammates are way too excited to control the ball as they’d like. So she watches a composed Tobin, showing them over and over again, patiently and encouraging them. 

She observes Tobin’s lean figure, in a white tank top and black nike short exposing her calves, doing fancy tricks. And if it were anybody else, Christen would think the person would be showing off. But looking at the girl holding herself in that very own posture of hers, it looks like she’s dancing. The ball flows from one foot to the other smoothly and it all feels so natural, so obvious for her. It’s like she ’s doing it without having to think about how to do it.  
And for the first time, Christen wonders if she has mistaken Tobin just being herself, simply, raw, for arrogance.

But then her thoughts are interrupted by her phone buzzing. 

**Vero : Miss you, can’t wait to see you.** is written on her screen. And she unlocks it to find a picture of Vero hugging a stuffed animal that Christen had gotten her on Valentine’s day.  
Christen replies a quick **Miss you too, love.** and her heart feels a little warmer at the thought that her absence doesn’t go unnoticed by her girlfriend. 

 

*

 

After a few hours and a tremendous number of tries, the girls decide it’s time to go.  
Kelley and Emily are having an argument over who nailed the most tricks and both slide into the backseats.  
Tobin opens the passenger door slowly and offers an hesitant smile to Christen as if to ask her permission. Christen just answers by an approving smile and Tobin takes it as a yes. 

"You guys wanna go grab something to eat ?" Kelley asks.

"Yeah! I’m starving." Emily says enthusiastically. 

Tobin throws a contemplative look at Christen and then turns to Kelley.

"Thanks, I’m good but have fun." she simply says. 

The car ride mainly consists of Kelley and Emily, laughing together at videos. And Tobin stays quiet, looking out the window most of the way back.  
They arrive at Tobin’s place and she politely thanks Christen for the ride. She then waves a quick "Bye" and disappears into her house. 

The three of the girls left, eat in a close fast food, and Christen learns that Emily is quite similar to Kelley. That’s probably why her face hurts from laughing so much when they go back to the car.  
But on her way back home, she can’t keep herself from thinking that she may be the reason Tobin had declined to join earlier. And she is starting to hate herself for making someone feel unwelcome and for being mean to someone she doesn’t even really know.  
And when they reach home, Christen has come to the conclusion that she’ll have to put some effort next time she sees Tobin.


	3. so, i guess i get to ask something

The next two days, Christen had only one thing in mind : school starts in exactly in one week.  
And by "school", she means everything that comes with it. Stress, struggle, quizzes, exams, heavy workloads and sweet things like that per say. And well, she was not that thrilled about it.  
It's not that Christen is a bad student. In fact, she always had excellent grades, and loved learning new things. She was smart.  
It's just that it takes more effort for her to achieve it than it does for others. And it just means that she has to work harder in order to meet her expectations. Which are pretty high, because she chose to pursue two degrees : Psychology and Communications.  
Some people would call her masochist for that. But Christen absolutely wanted to have a choice. She wanted the possibility to switch if one field didn't work, and she wanted to take time to learn what she liked. What really would passionate her.  
She craved that exit gate, and that knowledge of herself she didn't have when taking the decision to go to Chadwick.  
So if that meant working her ass off, she was willing to do it. But of course, the consequences were that she was more stressed than her entourage.  
(And soccer wasn't even worth mentioning.)

That's why she had decided that today was gonna be her day. Calm herself down, and just breathe. She was settled on spending the day only by chilling, and relaxing in her PJ's.  
So when Kelley attempts for the fifth time to get Christen to go to "the last party before semester starts", she snaps. 

"I'm sorry Chris, I didn't mean to upset you," Kelley states with a regretful look, "I just wanted to have fun together."

And Christen knows it. She knows Kelley makes decisions recklessly, and that the small girl doesn't feel pressure at all. But it's just that Christen needs this day to be off to feel serene again. And plus, last time Kelley was busy introducing her to everyone, but now that it was done, she knew the girl would try to set her up with every "cute guy" they'd see.  
And Christen was not ready to have that conversation yet.  
Seeing the hurt in Kelley's features though, she decides she can't let her think she doesn't want to spend time with her. 

"It's just.. you know classes starts soon.." she struggles. "And I feel kind of anxious about it. I know it's stupid, but I just want a night to recollect myself." she finally spills. 

"I'm such an idiot, I'm sorry for pushing you." she says stroking Christen's arm, "Why didn't you tell me about it? You know I'll always listen right ?"

Christen shifts uncomfortably on the couch. She hates talking about her worries, it makes her feel so little and pathetic and when she says it out loud. 

"Yeah I know Kell, I know." she simply says. 

"Listen, I know we just got back together and maybe it'll take time for you to talk to me like you used to," she says, looking Christen directly in the eyes, "but when you'll be ready, I'll be there still." 

Christen stares back and she wonders if it's that easy for Kelley to see through her. 

"And in the meantime, I hope you have someone you can trust with your fears." she finishes. 

Christen just silently throws herself at Kelley and the force of the hug makes the small girl fall on her back.  
They stay like that for a while, lying down on the couch, just enjoying the sincerity of the previous exchange.  
Until Kelley breaks silence. 

"Hey, I know staying alone and inside is probably your way of relaxing," she tries, "but what if I showed you around campus ? Maybe seeing it, you'll feel less disoriented next week and it'll ease you a bit ?"

Christen considers it for a few minutes, and after weighting the pros and cons, it doesn't feel like a bad idea.

"Yeah that's a good." 

"Okay, go get ready then, Pretty Pressi" she teases her friend. 

"Oh shut up." Christen laughs at the familiar nickname, and then escapes the room. 

When she returns the living room, Kelley is standing still, looking at her phone.

"Would it bother you if Tobin joined ?" she gingerly asks, "You know since she's new too."

"Oh no, no problem." she says truthfully.  
She was determined to make efforts with the other girl anyway, so why waste time ? 

 

*

 

Kelley drives this time. And frankly, it makes Christen wish she was in another car.  
They pick up Tobin, once again. She directs Christen a "Hey" along with a half smile, and Kelley carries the conversation for the rest of the ride.  
When they finally arrive, Kelley is already playing the perfect guide. She points to every spot and explains things about it. And it seems like every little area has a story, whether it's the "make out spot", or the "stoner spot", Kelley knows it all. And Christen is a little worried and wonders why the small girl can name them all.  
Apparently she isn't the only one awed by the freckled girl knowledge. 

"Hum, Kelley, you don't actually hang out in those 'special spots', right ?" Tobin interrupts the girl when they reach the "gothic spot".

"Dude, no" she says casually and for a minute Tobin looks relieved, "vampires freak the shit out of me. I would never." she finishes with a reassuring smile.

Tobin smiles back at Kelley. And then wide eyed, mouths a "Oh my god" to Christen.  
Christen suppresses a giggle, and makes a mental note to to talk to Julie about Kelley's excursions. 

It's been an hour since they got here, when Kelley receives a call.  
She answers, and immediately distance the phone from her ear. 

"Calm down, it's fine, we've got like 3 hours to go. What's the rush ?" and then after a pause, "The beers ? You forgot ?"

The two girls wait patiently for Kelley to explain what's happening.

"Oh my god how could you forget ?" followed by a way more fearful, "No, no….I said, good I'll go get 'em." 

And then finally hangs up. 

"Okay, slight change in plans." she begins "Alex forgot the beers for the party, so I have to go get it."

"Why can't she go ? Or Ashlyn ?" Christen tries to reason. Mostly because Kelley going would mean being alone with Tobin. And although she was willing to be nice and tolerant, it didn't mean she wanted to spend actual time with her and become her best friend.

"Chris, let me explain you a little something" she says gently, "It's Alex's world, and we're just livin' in it sweetie."

And Christen can read a bit of panic in Kelley's eyes. 

"Well, we'll go back with you and help ?" Tobin simply considers. 

"No no, you guys, there's a lot more to see", she exhales, "the library is this way, and then there's this pretty fountain.. Maybe Julie can drive you back when she comes back from Zach's ? You, have fun. I'll take care of the crazy lady." 

Here's a news to be delighted about, Christen thinks to herself. And then she watches Kelley leave, half running.  
Tobin and her awkwardly stay glued to their spot. But thankfully, before it becomes painful to watch, Tobin speaks. 

"Hey, you hungry ?" she asks with a bored expression. 

"Hum not really." Christen answers a little too quickly, mostly because she doesn't have her wallet.

"Does it bothers you if we stop by this Starbuck because I kind of am." she asks again. 

"Yeah sure." is all Christen responds.

Tobin is walking hands in her pocket, whistling and Christen wonders if she's that comfortable or on the contrary, that uncomfortable.  
They settle at a table close to the window, and Tobin comes back with a cookie, a muffin and a drink. But she doesn't touch one of them when she sits down, she just looks at Christen.  
So Christen decides it's her turn to break the ice. 

"So where did you learn all the stuff you did last time ?" she tries, "it was pretty impressive."

"By myself." she pauses, "It's not that useful on the pitch." 

"Well, Kelley was so thrilled, she hasn't stop trying since." Christen doesn't let herself discouraged by the lack of interest the other girl is showing. 

"Yeah she seems like she gets excited over everything." she just shrugs but doesn't break eye contact.

Christen tries to extort some more words from the girl, so she changes subjects several times. But after a few failed attempts, she gives up.

"Look, I'm sorry for yelling at you and being rude. I was tired and you scared me both times. But I'm not that annoying all the time you know ? I'm pretty nice, it was just bad timing. But I apologize and.." she rants, feeling like she deserves more than the silence treatment. 

"It's okay." Tobin simply says. "Moving out and stuff is pretty stressful. And I'm sorry for wetting your top and annoying you, I was kinda tired too."  
"But thanks for the apologies though." she says with a satisfied smile. 

With that, Tobin's eyes finally leave Christen's to land on the untouched food. And Christen is glad they put their cards on the table. 

"So muffins or cookies ?" Tobin smiles, motioning to her plate. 

"Muffins" Christen gives in with a guilty look. 

Tobin's eyes crinkle and a huge smile spreads across her face.  
They fall into a comfortable silence. And when they finish their food and Christen thanks Tobin, they decide to head back. 

"So are you coming to the party tonight ?" Tobin asks. 

"Hum no, and you ?" Christen answers the girl. 

"Well I live there so I kind of have to go" Tobin laughs easily. 

"Oh yeah right." Christen says and she cringes for sounding so stupid. 

"Why aren't you coming ?" Tobin turns her attention to Christen. 

"Not really in the mood." Christen offers with a shrug. 

The girl doesn't say anything but Christen can see she is holding back. 

"What ?" she encourages Tobin. 

"It's just that the girls already like you." she spills, "and they were looking forward to see you. But guess I'll be their favorite again after tonight." 

"Oh yeah ?" Christen answers with a playful smile, "You're not actually trying to convince me to come to this party are you ?"

"Oh no, being the number one newbie is fine with me" she says with a proud smile, "Although I could have used the occasion to show you how you suck at Fifa." 

"Oh my god, how can you walk with those swollen ankles ?" Christen responds. 

Tobin lets out a small laugh and diverts her gaze forward. 

"No but really, it would have been nice to have someone as "lost" as me tonight." she offers softly. 

Christen thinks about it for a second and she feels like she owes this one to Tobin, after their last encounter at a party. 

"Well, guess you should hurry up and work on your skills then." she finally delivers. 

Tobin looks at her surprised, and the spark in her eyes is back again. 

"Oh, sweet." she says. 

They take a few steps when Christen feels her phone buzz. 

"Okay…We're next to that chinese restaurant…See you." she answers. 

"It was Kelley, she's done with the grocery list Alex sent her, so she can pick us up at the red light over there." she explains. 

"Oh cool. Well I've got stuff to buy before going back, but I'll wait with you though." she kindly offers. 

Two minutes later, Kelley stops in the middle of the street at a green light and Tobin shouts a "See you tonight" before Christen rushes into the car.  
Once they regain a normal speed, Kelley looks at Christen with a strange look. And she thinks she is about to speak but when the freckled girl doesn't say anything, she decides it's for the best to just ignore it for now.  
Kelley drops Christen at their house with a bright smile and with a loud "See you there Pressi.", she is gone again. 

When she enters the house, Julie is sitting on the couch, already ready for the party.

"Well, what a shame! Zach really is missing out tonight." Christen compliments her friend. 

"I guess throwing an oval ball for 4 hours with other guys is worth it." she says with a laugh. 

"How am I supposed to stand next to you all night, when you look like that." Christen states. 

"Oh thank god you're coming Chris." Julie says with relief, "I was so not ready to keep up with Kelley."

 

*

 

After taking her shower, Christen decides that her going is enough effort put in the party. So she just choses a simple black jean and a white tee shirt with blue stripes and a light jacket (to spare her having to borrow the hoodie of a stranger again). She puts on some makeup, her curly hair into a half bun and heads downstairs.  
When they arrive at 10 pm, the house is already pretty crowded. It's Alex who opens the door, a red cup in her hand. 

"Hi JJ" she greets the blond girl, trapping her in a tight embrace.  
"Hi Fifa champ" she then addresses Christen. To which Christen answers by a polite smile. 

She tells the two girl to just leave their jackets in her room and immediately disappears in the mob.  
So JJ leads them to Alex's room. And well there's no doubt that it is the girl's room : there's trophies hanging everywhere, photos of her holding trophies, and articles about trophies. That's pretty much representative of how Christen sees the girl, for now at least.  
Christen takes off her jacket and puts it on the bed when something catches her eyes. It's a familiar blue fabric, with "north carolina" written on it, laying on the top hand of the bed.  
Christen is quite taken aback, and suddenly, she feels like she's invading the girl's privacy. 

 

*

 

Christen sticks to Julie's side while her eyes are roaming around. And after a few minutes of not spotting Tobin, Christen decides to just enjoy her night.  
She only takes one vodka mingled with coke that will last for the night. Because she is not the type to get drunk, but of course, she still wants to be fit in the carelessness ambiance of the night.  
They almost play beer pong, but then Alex joins. And well, Christen has learned her lesson.  
So they wander again and bump into Lindsey and Moe (if Christen recalls their names right). 

"Ok so, serious business," the taller one starts, "Tell us an embarrassing story about Kelley"

Julie and Christen laugh at the demand, and Christen has no choice but to offer a loyal answer. 

"Hey, I'm a good friend, I won't do that to her." Christen says proudly. 

"We know about the KFC thing" Moe simply states.

And that's how the story of Kelley asking their high school english teacher on a date in front of whole class, and getting detention for it, became famous.  
The girls are laughing hysterically and Julie is giving a disapproving look to Christen. 

"Oh it's only payback." Christen says to Julie with an angelic smile.

But then, out of nowhere **"Heroes" by Bowie** starts playing. Christen and Julie immediately grab each other screaming hysterically. It was their song. That's why, the next second, they're singing and jumping around, with everyone. You know this feeling, when you are all one, those special moments when you have the time of your life with people you don't even know. This was it for Christen.  
And in this moment, screaming at the top of her lungs, with Julie, and all those strangers, she feels like herself again.  
It's that feeling that keeps her going for 5 more songs. When the 6th starts, **"Hey Joe"** but the **Gainsbourg version** , Christen's foot are starting to hurt. 

So she leaves Julie in her trance, and sneaks in the backyard of the house. She had figured that since the the house and hers looked alike, the outside part must too.  
And sneaking outside at parties was her favorite thing. Mostly because, it was often off limits, so that meant being alone. And Christen loved the feeling of just hearing the combination of people having fun and muffled music, especially when it was good music, like the Gainsbourg one still playing.  
She is closing the door when she hears footsteps behind her. When she turns around, it's a familiar silhouette, with a ball under her arm that stares at her. 

"Well hey there." she hears a voice as smooth as honey. 

"God, you almost scared me again." Christen says relieved. 

"Sorry, but you're not supposed to be here." she flashes a bright smile and goes back to juggling. 

Christen sits on the small steps in front of the door. 

"But you're not supposed to either." she says, "What happened to the 'I don't want to be the only one lost' thing ?" 

"I was waiting for you but then I got kinda bored" she says, not looking at Christen, "Parties aren't really my thing."

"Oh yeah ?" Christens asks, genuinely curious, "What is ?"

"Soccer." she says still focused on not dropping the ball, "and the sea."

"The sea ?" Christen asks, quite surprised. 

"Yeah, the sea blending with the sun and all the colors it creates." she says like it's no big deal.

For a minute, Christen doesn't know if the girl is joking, and almost wants to laugh at how random this is. But then she studies Tobin's face, searching for something that may give away the farce, and she doesn't find anything. 

"Did you just quote Rimbaud ?" Christen finally asks. And that earns the attention of the girl.

"Hum.." she searches her words.  
And Christen thinks Tobin is completely clueless about what she is referencing to.  
"What would that make me ?" she finally asks. 

"Well, a very educated, distinguished, with a huge amount of knowledge, person." Christen states, almost as a question. 

"Oh, shoot," Tobin smiles, "Guess I'm just a young genius poet then." 

Christen laughs wholeheartedly at that. And Tobin has a huge proud smile plastered on her face.  
When she recollects herself, the other girl is looking at her. 

"You know if you don't want to be in the middle of those sweaty, drunk people, you can borrow my room and find a movie. No one will bother you." she offers. 

"Thank you," Christen says, "but I'm not really fond of movies." 

And she expects a "Oh my god you're weird" followed by a long list of all the films she has watched when Tobin opens her mouth. 

"Wow, life must be tough for you" she says, putting her hair in a ponytail, "guess everybody has tried to show you the movie that would change you." Tobin laughs. 

"I mean, it kind of was." Christen reflects, "But on the millionth movie, I just faked a revelation and told the person that her movie opened my eyes. And so I just say 'yes' to cine every time now."

"So you actually saw more movies than someone who enjoys watching movies." Tobin says with a funny smile, "That's nice." 

"Yeah, one of my greatest accomplishment" she says raising her eyebrows.

And after a pause, Tobin speaks again.

"Do you wanna play keepy-uppy ?" she says, "and we spice it up : the one who drops the ball gets a question asked by the other ?"

"Sure, why not" Christen answers and for a second she thinks she sees a smirk dancing on the girl's lips.

They keep the ball up for about 5 minutes but then Christen sends a bad ball, Tobin scrambles to send it back and when she does, it's not good enough for Christen to keep it from the ground.

"So I guess I get to ask something." Tobin says with a sly look. 

"Sure." Christen hesitantly answers.

Tobin stands in front of Christen, ball under her arm, and asks. 

"Are you and Kelley a thing ?"

"What ?" Christen cringes, "No, no. What do you mean ? Why did you think we were ?" she asks in a hurry. 

"Hey, no just you seemed pretty close and I was wondering." Tobin answers cautiously, not leaving Christen's gaze. 

"Yeah, friend-close." she insists. 

Tobin just nods and they are back at it again.  
For the first time in a long time, Christen _plays_ with a ball, just for fun. Not because she has to. And it's not forced, it's not mechanical, it's not about tactics. It's just her, _playing_ with a ball and enjoying not thinking about how she should play it next, how she should place herself.  
So, when Tobin drops the ball, Christen didn't even do it on purpose. But the girl just stumbled on something in the dark and the "shit" she whispers tells Christen that she isn't pleased about it.  
She just looks into dark brown eyes, with a challenging look, and asks the first thing that comes in her mind. 

"Are you and Alex a thing ?"

The girl's eyebrows immediately furrow, and Christen already has her answer. 

"No, I'm pretty sure she's seeing someone," she says in confusion, "what made you think that ?"

"Well I don't know I just saw your hoodie on her bed when I left my jacket in her room" and she realizes she might sounds like a creep. 

"Oh that." Tobin's face relaxes, as if she understood better. "No, it's just that I hang out in her room a lot." she clarifies. 

And Christen doesn't know how this clarifies anything, but she figures it's not her business. So she just nods. 

"Wanna know why ?" Tobin asks excitement in her voice. 

"Yeah, I guess." Christens answers. 

"Come on" Tobin throws, and grabs Christen's arm. 

They make their way through sweaty bodies, and well, thank god Tobin has a firm grip, because otherwise Christen would probably be stuck in the middle of 'em for the rest of her life.  
When they reach the second floor, Tobin releases her arm, and they enter Alex's room.  
Christen stands awkwardly in the middle of the space, watches Tobin close the door, and make her way on the girl's bed. She tosses the sheets and after what feels like hours of patting down, she waves a controller above her head in victory. 

"She's secretly working on her skills to beat Kelley" she whispers and then puts her finger on her mouth. 

"Oh my god, they have some serious issues." Christen delivers. And Tobin is looking at her like a kid who just had too much sugar.

"But don't tell Kelley I showed you okay ?" she says with rather terrified look. 

"Yeah sure." she just agrees. 

"Okay so now, I can show you how I really play right ?" Tobin asks sprawled out on the bed, a devilish smile playing on her lips. 

And that's how they spend the next 10 minutes, battling and trying their best to beat each other.  
But just when Christen is on the edge of scoring, the door swings open. 

"Oh my god Tobin." a raspy voice echoes loudly, "I told you to keep your mouth shut." 

Christen's head jerks and immediately drops the joystick, but Tobin just stands up calmly. 

"I'm sorry, but she promised she wouldn't say anything." she tries to reassures Alex, "And plus, next time she's in your team, she'll play even better." 

"I can't believe you." she says to Tobin. And then turns her attention to Christen.  
"If Kelley learns about this, I'm blaming you, Press." she says, her glare spiking her. 

Christen can't believe she is being threatened for a video game again.  
Tobin is mouthing her 'sorry', and Christen just hopes Alex won't remember that in the morning.

"JJ was looking for you, by the way, she said she wanted to go home." Alex says. 

"Yeah, I should go." she concludes. And with a quick "Bye", she leaves the room. _Damn, was this girl intense.._  
She takes a few steps when a voice makes her turn around. It's Tobin, head popping out of the room.  
"Hey thanks for coming" she says with genuine smile, "and thanks for letting me a chance." she adds. 

Christen gives her a huge smile of her own, and then heads downstairs.  
She finds JJ without trouble, scanning the room in front of the entrance door. 

"Ready to go ?" she asks, and she seems pretty sober to Christen.

"Yeah, where's Kelley though ?" Christen asks. 

"Oh she's staying here tonight." JJ explains. 

Christen just nods, she'll ask about that in the morning.  
They arrive home at 2:30 am, and both girls go straight to their room after saying a quick "goodnight".  
Christen takes a quick shower and crashes into her bed.  
She checks her phone one last time and when her screen doesn't indicate missed phone calls or new messages, she closes her eyes.


	4. exactly like Rimbaud's poem, right ?

The next morning is easy. It's 8:00 am, but Christen is not feeling hungover or tired and plus she has plenty of time to do some yoga. What more could she ask for, really ?  
So she slowly goes downstairs, careful not to make too much noise, sets her mat in the backyard, and just breathes. 

Meditation had became common for Christen. She had found out about the discipline back in Chadwick. She was struggling with a lot of anxiety. First because well, she was in college, so it was pretty accurate amongst other students, but also because she was learning that she loved girls. Vero was pretty much the only "close friend" she had after giving up on Stanford (and probably had been the only one since a while before that), so she introduced her to this form of control.  
And Christen was forever grateful for Vero, not bailing on her and helping. She definitely had came a long way since, and while progressing, she has learned to love those moments of calm. 

When she finishes her session, and thinks she is relaxed enough, she walks into the house again.  
Julie sitting on the couch checking her phone and it feels like it is the right time. After their moment last night, Christen could not stand spending another day without apologizing for the pain she inflicted to her friend.  
She had been selfish and caused pain to an amazing person who didn't deserved it, and plus, Julie was being understanding and waiting for Christen to build up the nerves to come to her for a while. But apologizing to Tobin had made her braver now. It gave her a little push of courage, to make things right and take responsibility. 

"Hey," she says above a whisper, "how was your sleep ?" 

"Hi," her face slowly shifting by the smile forming on her lips, "it was pretty good ! Feeling brand new."

"So, since Kelley's not there, do you wanna take that cup of coffee ?" she asks as Julie drops her phone on the small table. 

She thought she would just make casual talk and then ask her, but this was too urgent to wait.

"Yeah, sure that'd be great." she answers happily after a short pause. 

And Christen feels less nervous about it.  
They chose to go to Starbucks, and when they get their orders, Christen suggests to settle in the park Kelley showed her last time.  
But this time they explore more and Christen thinks she may have found her new yoga spot. The tall trees and familiar sound of water caressing the shore is making it easy on her to feel good. So when they sit down, she is ready to talk, and she needs her friend, more than ever, to know why she left for Chadwick without telling her despite being her friend since sophomore year of high school. To be honest, the only person she had told about the big move back then was Kelley, and only because she had to. 

"Yesterday was really nice, right ?" she tries to approach the subject.

"Yes, definitely," she answers enthusiastically before taking another sip, "Felt like old times again." she trails off.

And Christen suspects her friend of purposely helping her out. But she won't complain about that, and maybe it meant that she was willing to try to understand the way Christen acted.  
So, she ceases her opportunity. 

"I'm sorry Julie." she blurts out quickly, before she chickens out again. 

Julie is looking at her, her eyes are screaming for an explanation, and she opens her mouth. But before anything comes out, Christen cuts her off again. She owes it to Julie, she can't let the other girl prompts her own apologies and get out of affair that easily. 

"I was 17, and I went through things, that I thought was the only one to feel." she begins, her voice barely audible. 

For the first time, Christen hears herself say it out loud, and a wave of shame keeps her from meeting Julie's attentive gaze.

"I kind of felt lonely you know ?" she asks rhetorically, "and then I met someone who actually understood. See, I was locked up in my shell all the time, except when I was with that one person. That was the only moment where I felt myself, free and complete.  
And so, I couldn't go to Stanford, because that meant losing that person, and that feeling of being understood, and safe. So I just chose to clamp on that someone. I was so frightened by the idea, that I completely neglected anything else around me." 

Christen's vision is blurred, but she doesn't want to let one tear down. This was no excuses to behaving the way she did. So when Julie softly takes her hand, she redoubles efforts. 

"I couldn't say it all year long. Everyday I told myself I would and then when I had you in front of me, I couldn't. So then I thought it would be easier to just leave so that I wouldn't have to suffer more convincing to go to Stanford. Because I truly wanted to, but I couldn't." she lets out.

She dries the tears in her eyes with the back of her sleeve, and then finally looks into Julie's blue eyes. That's when she sees the other girl's eyes are wet as well. 

"I thought you didn't care enough." she says, and holds back a squeal.  
"I'm sorry you had to go through this on your own" she says and a single tear rolls down her cheek. "I wished you just talked to us back then. You know we tried. Kell and I. We tried to get you to confide what was happening.. But.." 

And when she sees Julie struggling to finishes her sentence, she goes for a hug. It's tight, and it's full of love and it feels more like a homecoming than a "comforting" type of embrace. 

"I am sorry for distancing you from me, and treating you that way." she says, gently letting go of the blond girl, "And I would understand if you didn't want to rebuild our friendship back. I mean we could just be polite for the team and…"

"We're already building it up again," she says with a small smile, "what are you talking about ?" 

And Christen tries not to jump around and remain calm at Julie's decision.

"So, you getting back here, means that you let go of that fear ?" she asks cautiously, gauging Christen's reaction.

"I didn't let go of the person, we're still dating." she tries to word it correctly and make it understandable.  
"But me coming here is a new step I'm taking, to find myself again and not through the filter of fear. I mean, I'm still dealing with stuff, but I'm trying to leave it behind me. And coming here is **me** , **committing** , to it." 

She doesn't know if JJ got what her point was, but she looks like she is trying her best to get on the same page.

"And will you let us help with that ?" she asks with a careful glance.

"Yes, I'll try, it just takes time," she thinks about it, "but I'll try my best JJ." 

And this time, when JJ squeezes her, it feels more like a promise that she won't let things happen the way they did the first time. 

Who knew spilling the truth about something old of 2 years would be so draining ?  
Well she kinda knows now, that's probably why they lay on the grass for a few minutes and try to recover from their emotions. 

"So, you're secretly dating someone ?" Julie says, tilting her head in Christen's way. 

"Yup." she answers, popping the 'P'.

"We kind of knew there was a boyfriend involved back then," looking at the sky again, "I didn't know it lasted though." she simply states. 

Christen cringes at the "boy" part. But well, how could Julie know ? She thinks about revealing the gender of her lover, but her body feels a bit spent after their first talk. So, she'll just avoid it for a while still. 

"So when do we get to meet the mysterious guy ?" she says with a suggestive eyebrow raising.

"Hmm.." Christen pretends to think, "I don't know, when do I get to meet **the** Zach ?" she fires back. 

"You'll meet him soon." she states with a smile who soon turns into a warning.  
"Don't let Kell trick you, he's a nice guy, and she's just in constant need of attention." she says, pointing at Christen. 

"Oh yeah, about Kell," she suddenly remembers, "do you sometimes check where she goes in her free time ?" 

"She gave you a little tour didn't she ?" she guesses with a jaded expression. 

 

***

 

Tuesday is apparently "bonding team day". The seniors of the team are coming back from their annual "veterans trip week" (which appears to be begrudged by many of the juniors) and is followed by a day dedicating to the team only. No matter what your plans were, tradition was above it all. 

So, on that morning, she watches their house literally turning into an hive, because yes, Kelley had insisted about hosting the sacred day. The girl is everywhere at the same time, she is pacing around the house and Christen is starting to really feel dizzy.  
The small girl even had Alex and Tobin come early to make everything perfect, and when the girls finally arrive, she jumps on them. 

"You ARE late," she says loudly right at the girls' face, and then mouths a 'oh' at the realization striking her, "You did it on purpose you.." 

"But I am the freak about being on time." Alex just brushes off with a nonchalant sigh. And then as if she didn't matter, passes Kelley to enter the kitchen.  
Leaving an awkward Tobin standing in the entrance.

"Hey Kell," she says discomfort evident in her voice, "You look extra pretty today." she offers with a quick smile, and enters the living room.  
Passing by Christen and Julie, she whispers wide-eyed a "Totally did it on purpose" pointing to Alex, before following the girl.  
Christen turns to Julie for answers, but only finds the girl rolling her eyes. 

"You'll get it when you see it." Julie offers as an explanation. 

Christen watches Tobin returns holding a piece of sausage between her long fingers. For a millisecond at least. Because the next one, Kelley is taking it away from her in a raging movement. 

"No eating before everyone is here !" she scolds her. And Tobin looks like she's about to cry. 

Christen is starting to get irritated by the girl's strange behavior. Kelley was always the relaxed one, the chill one, who never stressed because she could get anything fixed in a snap.  
She figures the girl must have a good reason, and for now, she thinks it's better to just let it slides until she calms down.  
But if she could, she would trade places with anyone who wasn't there.  
And that's when the absence of two familiar faces strikes her. 

"Hey, where's Ali ? And Ashlyn ?" she asks Tobin.

"Sick. Both." she says air quoting.

"But I thought tradition was above everything ?" Christen whines. She feels like some are having fun while she, has to channel crazy Kelley, and that doesn't sound equitable to her. 

"Oh, the joys of being a newbie." Julie says looking tenderly at Christen with a huge smile. 

 

*

 

30 minutes later, familiar faces Christen had seen at the party, and a few seniors that she was really eager to talk to gradually arrive.  
Now that the house is filling, the pressure starts to dissipate.  
And thanks to Emily, when 2 particular seniors come in, Kelley no longer looks like a freaking maniac.

Christen is sitting in the kitchen, at the counter with Julie on her side. Julie had stated that this was the best spot while people were still arriving, that way you could see them through the glass separating them from the living room. So the point was, you could avoid who you wanted if you were quick enough, but greet whoever you wanted too.  
She is responding to a text from her dad, when Julie nudges her gently. 

"Watch that." she says biting her upper lip in excitement. 

When Christen looks up, she observes two brunettes with blue, bright eyes entering the living room. The one with the ponytail looks pretty intense and is a bit more imposing than the curly-haired one.  
She watches Kelley coming to a stop in front of the two strangers. 

And that's when she witnesses the most embarrassing scene she has ever seen. She looks even smaller in front of the two figures, and she is awkwardly tapping her fingers one by one on her thigh and is smiling foolishly.  
But she's not saying anything. She is just staring at the taller girl with that dumb grin.  
The other girl is starting to look uncomfortable and after a couple seconds, Christen reads a "Thanks for hosting today Kelley, that's sweet.".  
She then watches her friend go red as a beet, chuckle to herself and then walking really fast upstairs, her hands covering her mouth.  
Christen is astonished by the exchange and turns to a laughing JJ. 

"What the fuck was that ?" she slowly asks her friend. 

"Hope." she hears a raspy voice states behind her. 

Christen startles at the closeness of the sound. When she turns around, Alex is sipping on her drink, looking straight ahead, right at the two girls through the glass. 

"Our goalkeeper." JJ adds with a wry smile.

"Well, what's up with her ?" Christen directs Julie. 

"Nothing," she says with a huff, "It's been 2 years, but every time Kelley has to talk to her, she just turns into this awkward, shy and anxious person." 

And this earns an annoyed sigh from Alex.

"Two years ?" Christen asks perplexed.

"Yup, still counting." Julie laughs. 

"Well, she always has had a thing for older women I guess." she reflects, "But does she has the slightest chance though ?" 

"If she could align two words in front of her, and if Hope was a cheater," JJ considers, "well she could have a minor chance."

"That, and if Kelley had a penis." Alex states with a frozen glare, "Cause you know, Hope is kinda straight." 

Christen is quite taken aback by the behavior of the girl, but actually asking what was the cause of it, was way out of the question. So she thought about asking Julie later. 

"We should probably go hang out with them, now that everyone is here." Julie suggests. And Christen can feel that she is trying to change the subject. 

They exit the kitchen, when a loud "Laurennnnn" echoes in the house. It's Tobin, throwing herself at the curly haired girl who just walked in. 

"Tobsssss, I missed you buddy" the girl mutters in Tobin's neck. 

When they let go of each other, they exchange huge smiles and Alex interrupts them.

"You know Lauren ?" she asks buzzing.

"Does she know me ?" Lauren says, "we've done literally every youth US nat' camp together until this one was too good and got called up with the A team." she says poking Tobin. 

 

*

 

The day is going well, Christen introduces herself to the seniors and they all make her feel welcomed : she laughs, she learns more about the team.. And she thinks that this day wasn't such a bad idea.  
She hangs out with different people considering that Kelley is busy being lovestruck, Julie is in the middle of a debate with Kling and Tobin hasn't left Lauren's side for a second. The girl has an arm around Tobin's shoulder, they're catching up, and making plans about their futures calls-up with Alex, Christen thinks, not that she kept track on the conversation.  
So obviously, she has no choice but to talk with her other teammates.  
She is just trying to make friends, and be accepted in the team. She knows that being 2 years in the same team brings people closer, so she just wants to do her best to be a part of this.  
And that's what she does. 

The little 'team day' ends with a speech from Lauren, who is apparently the captain. She thanks them all for coming, and basically states that if they don't win the championship, she'll kick their ass. After that, the house empties itself and when everyone leaves, Christen can finally crash on the couch. And she wonders if she'll ever get off, when she sees Kelley, shaking her head, and climbing the stairs in a defeated demeanor. So she decides to postpone her little nap.  
When she reaches the 2nd floor, Kelley's room is closed for the first time since she's been there. Christen carefully knock on the door and opens it. She spots Kelley on her bed, looking right at the ceiling. 

"Hey you" Christen tries, leaning on the doorframe. 

"Hey Chris." the girl answers not moving her eyes. 

Christen makes her way to the bed, climbs on it, and lays beside Kelley. 

"You okay ?" she says, studying Kelley's profile. 

Kelley just turns on her side, facing Christen, without a word. She wonders if she's too scared to cry to talk or if she just doesn't want to talk about it.  
Either way, she decides that even if the girl doesn't want to share, maybe just listening will make her feel better. 

"It's not about you, you know that ?" she begins, looking right in Kelley's eyes, "Any girl would be so, so lucky to have you Kell.."

"It's not about Hope." Kelley states slowly after a pause. 

"It's not ?" she asks surprised. 

Kelley buries her face a little more in her pillow, before talking again. 

"Yes I'm intimidated by her, and act like a fool around her," she says haltingly, "But it's just 'cause she is such a great player and I really look up to her. You know a lot of others are the same way around her, it's just that they're not juniors.."

"So it's not a crush ?" Christen tries to register.

"No, not at all." she says with a sigh of despair, "But the team keeps teasing me about it and now someone I care about thinks so too."

"You have someone ?" she asks, and now she's a little lost. 

"No, not really," Kelley struggles to find the answer, "kinda, it's complicated. I don't really wanna talk about it though.." she trails off with an apologetic look. 

"It's okay, just know that I'll be there still when you'll be ready." Christen quotes her friend's words. 

"Thanks Pressi" she says with a small smile, and then snuggles into Christen's arms. 

 

***

 

The rest of the week is pretty uneventful : Christen goes buy some furnitures for her bedroom, she buys some stuff for school, they eat out with Ali, Ashlyn and Emily one night and the rest of the week is pretty much the tree roomies chilling in each other's bedrooms. 

And when Monday finally arrives, Christen is not that stressed anymore. Kelley had briefed her the whole week, about which buildings she had to go, where to eat if she was all alone and didn't want to be seen, the best parking spots..  
So that morning, she simply puts on her long black skirt, a grey crop top and grabs her backpack to leave the house. 

Her first class, speech/communications, goes pretty well. And she might even think that she already found her favorite teacher. The man seems strict but also understanding which is pretty rare for a college professor.  
And her day ends as greatly as it began considering her last class is a not-so-boring lecture, with Julie.  
But she's exhausted and kinda hungry though, so they stop by Starbucks before entering Christen's car.  
Christen eats her beloved muffin while Julie sips on her drink. 

"So when do we get to meet the mysterious guy ?" Julie asks her with a wry smile.  
"Hum don't know" Christen tries to find a pretext, "Haven't told Kelley about it yet."

"Oh, what an honor to be the only one aware about this secret idyll." she laughs, raising an eyebrow. 

"Oh shut up" she says playfully, "Kell has been quite down this week, what kind of friend would brag about a boyfriend to someone sad ?"

"Yeah right." Julie says in a regretful tone. 

"Did you know she had someone ?" Christen searches for answers. 

"I mean, I know about some stuff," Julie confides, "but when I try to talk about it, she just shuts me down."

"Guess we'll have to take what she gives for now then.." she trails off. 

 

***

 

The next day, they have lunch together and a few of her future teammates join. 

"So you ready for tonight's training ?" Kelley asks Christen.

"Yeah I think so, I followed the preseason workout schedule so I should be okay." she answers. 

"Heard that Kling, someone who actually follows what she's asked to do." Emily diverts the girl across from her with a knowing look. 

"Come on, I'll be fine, Mark won't even notice it" she answers with raised eyebrows. 

"Oh my god Kling, we talked about this." Lauren says with an exaggerated sigh, "talking about people violating rules, where's Kriegy?" 

"She's having lunch with Tobin and Alex." Moe says before putting a piece of meat in her mouth. 

"What ? I was saving Tobin the best seat." Lindsay says pouting. 

"See you at practice then, don't be late," Lauren says getting up with her tray, "And Christen, you'll see, Mark is a kind person, and I'm sure you'll do well."

They finish their plates in a nice cheerful ambiance, most of the girls are thrilled to play again, and it looks like Lauren's speech abut winning this year has began to bear fruits.  
But when she looks on her right, Kelley's plate is still unfinished. She exchanges a worried look with JJ who noticed too, and they decide it's time to go. 

 

*

 

When she arrives in the locker room, later that day, everyone is already there. She would have been early if only her teacher hasn't been so slowly dithering about what their assignment for next week should be about. She had to run from the other end of campus in 5 minutes. And now she was late, not dressed and already sweaty.  
So she goes sit with Kelley and JJ in a hurry and begins changing. She's putting up her second sock as quickly as she can, when she feels a pair of eyes on her. On the other end of the room, sitting across from her, Tobin is staring at her with a soft smile. Christen returns her smile and watches the girl mouth her a "Hi" with an even bigger grin. And immediately she feels less in a rush and she calms down for a second. The coach isn't here, she's ready, everything is okay, there's nothing to stress about. So she waves back at Tobin. 

A couple minutes later, Mark enters the room.  
Christen had only spoken to him on the phone, but he's exactly as she pictured him : you know those people you just look at and they seem kind-hearted, like purely, genuinely nice, well Mark had the face of those people.  
Her assumptions are confirmed when he makes her and Tobin stand up, puts his arms around each of them and introduces them to the team. He closes the small presentation with telling them he is glad to have them both in the team and the two girls go back to their seats. 

"Okay, so I hope you guys stuck to the preseason conditioning we gave you" he asks.

All the girls answers with a collective "Yessss". And Mark gives them a suspicious look.

"Well, we'll see who's lying on the pitch ladies." he says with a big smile. 

They go on the pitch to start juggling as a warm up. And she is on her 45th when a familiar silhouette appears on her side and makes her drop the ball. 

"Hey," Tobin says smiling, "It's been a while." 

"Yeah we've been kinda busy with Kell." she offers.

"Yeah I've heard." and Christen wants to ask where but then Tobin talks again.  
"So how did it go yesterday ?"

"It went well thanks," genuinely surprised about Tobin's question, "What about you ?"

"Pretty cool too." she says juggling again, "Kinda missed my first class though." 

"Is that your definition of 'went well' ?" she asks incredulously. 

"It's no big deal," she says with a large smile, "I'll apologize to the guy tomorrow." 

Christen almost feels panicked for Tobin, but she has too much anxiety on her own to worry about others. 

And then, training begins. It's tough and a couple of passes definitely don't reach their destination, but she hangs on, tries to redeem herself for those missed balls and tells herself that when she'll know the team better, everything will be smoother. 

When they're done, she goes straight to the showers, and get dressed quickly. She just wants to be in her bed right now, and have a long long night full of dreams.  
So she takes her backpack, exits the locker room and checks her phone. She sees a few messages from Vero and a missed call, and she wonders what this one will be about. If it was about coming to visit Christen again, she was gonna snap.  
She is taken away from her thoughts when she sees Tobin waiting outside, leaning against the wall. 

"Hey, you need a ride back ?" she asks the girl. 

"Oh no, I'm good, I'm just waiting for Alex," she says turning her head and acknowledging Christen, "she's kind of a princess, so it might take a while." 

"Oh okay," Christen delivers, turning back to reach her car, "Goodnight then." 

"Hey Christen," Tobin says grabbing her arm, "You're actually really good." 

"Well thanks ?" she says kind of offended, "Why the 'actually' though ?"

"No I mean I had never seen you play so I wouldn't know," she offers, trying to clarify what she thought. She's trying to regain her cocky behavior, and it's fun to watch, "But now that you don't suck, we can still be friends." 

"Well first who said we were friends," Christen tries to erase her vanity, "And then how come you're still friend with Alex then?" 

"I seriously hope for your life she didn't hear that" she says laughing with a glow in her eyes. 

It's dark and only a faint light illuminates Tobin's face, but now Christen is sure Ali's smile is only the 2nd most beautiful one she has ever seen. 

 

***

 

Wednesday is a good day for Christen, because she starts with her favorite teacher again.  
Well at least she thought it would be for the first 10 minutes of her morning. Because that's the time it took for her phone to start buzzing again. Vero kept texting her. Turns out the night before, she was indeed harassing Christen to let her visit. But she wasn't ready to tell her friends about Vero, she knew she had to at a point, but it wasn't it still. And her girlfriend wouldn't understand that. So after a certain hour last night, she stopped answering.  
And apparently Vero had woke up because her phone was back to driving her crazy again. 

She sits down in class 1 hour later, gets her stuff on her desk and just waits for her favorite professor to start the course to distract her from her girlfriend.  
Only it's a different kind of distraction that she gets. She notices out of the corner of her eyes someone sitting beside her, although the whole room is pretty empty, and already rolls her eyes in annoyance. But when she turns her head, her eyes fall onto a familiar snapback standing on the desk, and then on familiar hands, and then on a familiar smiling face. 

"Hi there." Tobin says happily. She looks kind of sleepy but still, she's grinning. 

"Oh my god that's the first class you missed on Monday ?" she asks her teammate. 

Tobin nods proudly, and Christen is about to say something when her phone goes off again. She immediately locks it, and Tobin looks at her with a curious look but doesn't say anything.  
Honestly, Christen was starting to think Tobin was actually nice and she really seemed like a kind person to her, but she wasn't in the mood to make small talk with her.  
She was pretty preoccupied on how to deal with Vero without losing her mind.  
So answering to the girl was fine, but striking up conversation wasn't.  
That's why she feels relieved when her favorite (so far) professor appears and indicates that the course is about to start. She gives a small smile to Tobin, and then gets her pen.  
Her phone vibrates a few times and then Christen decides to turn it off. 

The class does a pretty good job at distracting her mind from that, but when it ends, and she opens her phone again, reality hits her back. She's gathering her things when Tobin stops her. 

"Hey, I found this nice spot near the beach last time" she says stroking the back of her neck, "and I was gonna go a bit after class, wanna come ?" 

Perhaps she noticed her bad mood, perhaps she was just being friendly. Christen thinks about it for a minute, once again surprised by Tobin's nice gesture. And maybe Tobin reads it as an apprehension because she speaks again. 

"You can bring Kelley of course. And plus, that way you'll may authorize me to call you my friend after." she adds with a faint smile. 

She ignores the small wave of disappointment she feels for a second at the mention of her friend's name and finally answers.

"Yeah, yeah sure." she says with a smile. 

"Okay, I'll pick you up at 6 then ?" she asks throwing her orange backpack on one shoulder. 

"Noted." she smiles. 

 

*

 

She doesn't have much convincing to do to get Kelley to come : an escapade, with Tobin, and near the beach is more than acceptable for the girl.  
Christen thought this would be a great way for the girl to brighten up her mood a bit anyway, and it's apparently working since she hasn't stopped jumping like a child for the past 10 minutes.  
When they see Tobin's car stopping in front of the house though, she doesn't jump around anymore. But turns around to face Christen. 

"You said there was just Tobin." she whines to Christen eyebrows furrowed, like a kid to his mother.

"Don't be such a baby, come in." Alex says from the front passenger seat. 

Tobin gives Christen an apologetic smile and with that, they get in the car.  
The ride is pretty quiet but the music makes it less unbearable. They stop 15 minutes later, on the side of the road but Tobin assures her she has done it every time and never been in trouble. 

"We've got to walk down the hill for a couple minutes and then you'll see." she offers with a smile and then turns to Kelley and Alex.  
"Okay so, Christen and I take water and stuff to eat but you guys go ahead, we'll catch up." 

Kelley looks at Christen with an annoyed look, but follows Alex crossed arms anyway.  
She sees what Tobin is trying to do, and she hopes that the two girls will work, whatever this is about, out. Starting the season with two teammates not talking was gonna get their asses kicked by Lauren if they didn't fix it. So she just goes with Tobin's excuse. 

Tobin takes out some water from her trunk and then shows Christen the path.  
It's muddy, there's quite a lot of small branches in the way and they can't see the ocean yet, but something tells her that this it's worth it. 

"So, you're majoring in Communications I guess ?" Tobin asks, as they fall into a comfortable rhythm. 

"Yup," Christen says avoiding a small rock, "Psychology too though." 

"Oh really ? That's impressing," she says titling her head in surprise, "and interesting." 

"Why ?" Christen asks curious about the choice of word of the girl. 

"You study what people say and what they actually think." she says with a satisfied smile, "Is that to figure them out more easily ? Or to hide better what you really think ?"

They've stopped walking and Tobin is studying closely Christen's features, and it all feels a little too serious all of sudden. So Christen just get back on track.

"Well well well," she throws over her shoulder, "Guess **you** should be the one majoring Psy." 

She hears Tobin laughing and jogging to walk beside her again.  
"I mean, Comm is enough for me already." she says. 

"What do you wanna do with only that after college ?" she asks, genuinely interested. 

"Be a football player." she answers with a shrug, looking around her. 

"But I mean after having a successful career, what will you do ?" she says squinting. 

"Just travel the world." she says finally indicating another way to Christen. 

And that simple sentence from Tobin engages a huge debate. Tobin explains how having a job is not normal, but just boring and a waste of time, and exasperated Christen retaliates that working is giving back to society and that it's just selfish to act that way. 

"But look, of course I'll help people in need with what I earn. And plus without expecting nothing in return. How is that selfish ? That's even more fair than having a job." she says with a cocky smile.  
"I get to really live, and help other people. That seems like a good plan to me." she adds, stopping before a big stone. 

"But I mean how will you get the money, and are you not planning on having a family ?" she asks almost offended by Tobin's reasoning. 

"Work a summer, get money, travel. Repeat. Easy." she says squatting and joining her hands. "And well you an have a family and still travel. Now come here." 

"But what do you mean? you can't actually do that." she says, stepping on Tobin's strong hands and pulling herself up on the stone.

"Oh my god," Tobin says climbing surprisingly easily, "Are you always that stressed ?"

But Christen is too marveled by the view to respond to Tobin's nonsense. 

"Exactly like Rimbaud's poem, right ?" Tobin says with content sigh. 

They're looking down and when you're past the green, and the mud, you can finally see it : the endless beach, limitless ocean, and everything around feels smaller compared.  
The sun is drowning in the sea, and it's as Tobin said; everything it creates is magical.  
Down the path, they see two bodies facing each other, moving their hands around. It's not particularly far, and the two silhouettes seem to have come to a halt.  
So she doesn't bother calling them back here. She just enjoys the colors changing, the spark on the water and the wind on her face. 

"Chris…ten ?" Tobin hesitates. 

And Christen turns her head to Tobin, her profile is softened by the gentle rays of the setting sun. And she thinks that's the only shade of orange she can tolerate. She's looking right at the sea, and the usual brown of her eyes is now light brown, but also a shade of orange, and almost yellow and it all mixes perfectly. 

"Yeah." she says gently. 

"I think there might be something happening between Alex and Kelley." she delivers, still not looking at her. And she's the most serious Christen has seen her yet. 

"You mean romantically ?" she tries to add up, "But I thought Alex was seeing someone ?" 

"She is, this guy Servando I guess," Tobin finally turns her gaze to Christen, "But I think things are a bit more complicated than that."

"I mean, it would explain some stuff." she strives to understand. 

"I thought you should know," Tobin says after chewing on her lower lip. "So maybe you and I should keep an eye on them, you know ?" 

"Yeah yeah, totally," Christen says, "thanks for telling me though." 

"I knew it was the right thing to do." she offers with a heart warming smile. 

She then watches Tobin's rangy but muscular body standing up, and whistling to the girls. They both immediately turn around and when Tobin waves to them, they start walking back.  
She then proceeds to jump off the rock and Christen almost has a heart attack.

"It's not that high Christen." she says with a huge grin, allowing Christen to see her teeth. "Your turn now." 

Christen sits on the edge of the stone, and Tobin is extending her arms right under her.  
And after an encouraging look from her, Christen lets go and jumps the smoothest way she can to land in Tobin's limbs.  
It's a strong grip that catches her but Christen is still holding for dear life, koala style. And Tobin spins them around to regain balance earning a small shrill sound from Christen.  
She can feel Tobin's laugh vibrating close to her ear when she puts her down slowly, taking one arm after the other off her waist. 

"See, not that scary." she says, holding back a chuckle. 

Christen is making her a face when the two girls arrive. Christen and Tobin stands before them, searching for a sign of reconciliation. 

"We talked," Kelley says rolling her eyes, "We're fine." 

"Yup," Alex says, struggling to hide her smile, "no more bad atmosphere." 

And with that, they start walking to the car again.  
The two girls left exchange a satisfied look and Christen whispers a "Thank you." to Tobin. 

When they reach the car, Christen has finally signal again. She gets another avalanche of Vero's texts, which she just ignores, and immediately types a response. 

**Christen : Fine, just come next weekend if you want.**


	5. sweet dreams Christen

The end of the first week is tough and pretty exhausting.  
But the second one, Christen has taken the rhythm again : she has finished settling down, Alex and Tobin are back at hanging out at their house again, practice intensifies but she levels up her game..

Everything is going pretty well. Until the Monday of the third week.  
When Vero calls her to tell her that she isn't going to make it here the following weekend.  
At first, they had to push back her stay because "something with the team came up" and so Christen had said that making the trip the next weekend wasn't worth it because she had an away game.  
But Vero insisted to come, even for a day, claiming she missed Christen too much.  
So after a week of hyping herself up, planning everything they could do together, Christen is crushed to learn that another team stuff came up and won't allow her girlfriend to visit. 

"It's not like it's my decision," Vero defends herself, "I don't have any control on that. I'm sorry Chris.." 

"Yeah I know I know." Christen just answers in a cold voice.

She's standing outside the auditorium and she is done with hearing apologies.  
It's not really Vero's fault, but why would she insists, pushes and promises proofs of love if she wasn't even sure to keep them.  
So Christen just decides to keep her thoughts to herself, and when she'll be collected and lucid again, she'll talk to her girlfriend.

After hanging up with a small "Call you later", she enters the room and heads to the same seat she has occupied for the past three weeks.  
And from where she is, she is surprised to see Tobin already there. The girl had stuck to Christen's side since her first appearance, and well she was late most of the time so Christen was usually the one saving her the seat.  
But not this morning though. This morning, the girl is sprawled out on her desk, her head resting on one arm and the other one hanging off the surface. Christen reaches her seat, hiding her smile at the sight of her teammate. 

"Hi there." she says in a low voice.

"Hey." Tobin answers in a raspy voice. And Christen watches the side of her face, eyes half closed and her lips slowly curling into a smile.

Christen gets out a folder and her pencil case and putting them on her table, she finally notices a small item on its corner.

"I had some time to kill so I just stopped by Starbucks." Tobin softly offers.

Christen unwraps the paper to reveal a chocolate muffin. And so far, it's the only good thing happening this morning.

"Thanks, that's really nice Tobin." she tells the girl with a big smile.

Tobin just smiles back. 

"Are you okay though ?" Christen pursues, concerned about the early presence of the girl. 

"Yep, I just studied a big part of the night," she says rubbing her left eye, "but I'm good." 

And Christen wants to ask her why would she work overnight, but then Mr. Dames shows up indicating the start of the course. 

 

*

 

The rest of the day unfolds in a haze and next thing, Christen is home again. 

"Kell," she shouts from the living room, "Why is your training bag still on the coffee table ?" 

"Sorry mom." Kelley appears, sticking her tongue out.

Christen watches the small girl picking up her bag and walking purposely slowly back to the stairs.  
So Christen extends her leg and gives a small kick in Kelley's butt, earning a chuckle from her friend. 

God she was glad the girl was back to her cheerful self after having a talk with Alex.  
She wasn't one to be judgmental or the kind of person who made assumptions, because she knew nothing about their situation or about Alex. But she knew that Kelley would never tolerate dating someone if that person already was in a relationship.  
So she was just going to wait until Kelley opened up to her. No rush, no forcing her, just patience. She was only preparing herself to be there for Kelley if something with Alex went wrong again.

 

*

 

They're chilling on the couch before heading to Ashlyn's when Kelley subtly changes the subject of their talk. 

"You know there's this guy in my Mass Comm class who double majors too." 

"Oh yeah, that's great !" Christen tries to sound elated. 

"He's pretty cute too." she attempts to sound casual but Julie lets out a giggle. 

"Kelley," Christen trails off, "What happened to the 'At least I have Christen all to myself" speech ?" 

"I know you wouldn't ditch me for a dude, like this one" she says annoyed by Julie's sound, "but you're such a good person, you deserve someone !"

"You're sweet," Christen says softened, "But you gotta stop." and then goes back to her computer's screen.

"Why Pressii" Kelley pouts and nudges Christen's thigh with her foot. 

"Cause I already have someone." she blurts out. 

And when she moves her eyes to Kelley's face, she finds the girl mouth wide open.

"What ?" she says dumbfounded, "Who is it ?" 

"She won't tell, but he's from Chadwick though." Julie says with a thumbs up. 

And then Christen watches Kelley's mouth open even bigger and placing a hand on her chest. 

"You knew ?!" she attacks Julie. 

"Well she was kinda forced to tell me." Julie tries to hold back laughter. 

"Oh my god, I can't believe you told her first," she says, betrayal evident in her tone, "You also made her your maid of honor I suppose, and the godmother of your children too ?"

"Wow, nobody talked about any of those two things! It's no biggie." she says rolling her eyes at how ridiculous this was. 

But Kelley is looking at her with a wince and crossed arms. 

"God Kell," she reassures her friend, "You knew most of my secrets before Julie." 

And now it's Julie's turn to stop laughing. 

"What ?" she says to Christen with a serious look. 

"Oh my god," Christen shouts exasperated, "I can't with you two." 

"Don't worry," Kelley declares to Julie with an devilish smile, "You'll be the nice auntie." 

And Christen swears she lives with children.

 

*

 

When they arrive their friend's house, Alex, Ali and Ashlyn are sitting on their couch.  
Kelley runs into the room, shouting "I'm gonna be a godmother !"and the three girls are looking at her clueless. Christen just rolls her eyes. 

"Hey what's up ?" Tobin says from the kitchen's doorway. 

And when she turns around she is greeted with Tobin, a spoon in one hand, wearing a cooking apron, smiling at them. 

"So you're the chef tonight ?" Christen asks, trying not to make fun of her.

"Well, it's the only thing they let me do here." she answers shrugging.

"We need her in shape for the season." Alex shouts from the couch. 

"Oh my god," Kelley says, sitting beside Alex, "I'm going to eat a meal made by the Tobin Heath." 

"Don't get ahead of yourself," Tobin says moving the spoon of sauce in front of Julie's face, "How does it taste ?" 

Julie takes a sip and closes her eyes. 

"Delicious." she says with a pleased noise. 

And Tobin has a cheeky smile plastered on her face. 

 

*

 

They're all sitting in the living room, enjoying Tobin's "exquisite" pastas when Ali catches Christen's attention. 

"So, ready for your first game as a Cardinal girl ?" she aims at her. 

"Yep," Christen says after swallowing a portion of her food, "I'll be on the bench though, so I'm not that nervous." 

"You'll probably get subbed in at a point. " Ali delivers surprised, "Why would you say that ?"

"We'll see." Christen answers shrugging, "I'm ready for both, so.." 

"Well I hope you'll get a goal on your first," Ashlyn says happily, "That'd be so cool."

"I won't go that far," Alex says, sauce all over her mouth, "But I do hope you'll get me an assist though." 

"How generous." Christen says with an amused smile.

"I know, big heart." Alex says pointing at herself. 

And the girls witnessing the scene burst into laughter at her silliness. 

 

*

 

When the dinner ends, they all compliment Tobin on her cooking skills and the girl's ankles are almost too swollen to pass the doorframe now. 

"Well, what can I say ?" she asks cockily, "I don't like to brag about it you know, but I'm pretty good in the kitchen. Do you think I should put it on my resume ?"

"Oh my god, calm down," Christen says cleaning the plates, "It's only pastas." 

And Tobin's arrogant smile melts into an upside down one. 

"Okay, so what do we watch now ?" Kelley asks from the couch. 

"Spiderman !" Alex shouts happily beside Kelley. 

And Christen guesses she can pretend to enjoy this and hang out with the girls. 

"Okay but The Amazing Spiderman though," Ashlyn says raising her finger, "Not the one with the weirdo, right ?"

And apparently she shouldn't have said that because the two girls on the couch stand up, eyes bulging from their sockets. 

"Are you referencing to Tobey Maguire ?" Kelley asks with a threatening glare. 

"How dare you disrespect the greatest actor of our generation ?" Alex supports Kelley, making Ashlyn steps back. 

"Oh my god, you freaks." Ali says, putting a despondent hand on her forehead, "Stop that and put on your Spidy." 

Julie puts the movie on, and they all settle in the living room.  
Except from Tobin. The generic of the movie is playing, and Christen wonders what the girl is  
doing until she turns her head.  
Tobin is leaning on the doorframe on the kitchen, arms crossed, looking at the screen of the TV. But 2 seconds later, the girl turns her gaze to Christen. Caught staring, she tries to look away quickly, but then Tobin moves her head on the side two times, indicating the stairs. So Christen just leaves her spot on the couch and follows the girl.  
Tobin is leading her to Alex's room again. 

"You don't have to watch that movie, you know ?" she asks, entering the bedroom, almost as if it was her own. 

"I don't mind, it's fine." she tries to look unbothered.

"Oh well we can go back if you don't mind." Tobin turns around with a colgate smile. 

She brushes past Christen, grabs the doorknob and painfully slowly opens the door.  
It's now Christen's turn to rotate, facing Tobin's back, she rolls her eyes. She pushes the door to close it with her fingertips, from behind the other girl. 

"Oh my god," she gives in, "don't be such a baby. I'd rather be here."

The girl faces Christen again, biting her lower lip again (something Christen has noticed she does a lot). 

"There you go." she says with a proud smile. 

They settle on the forward's bed and play Fifa, as they did at that party a while ago.  
After a couple games and a couple slurs, Tobin puts her North Carolina sweater on and Christen wonders how precious it actually is.  
And then, Tobin asks her something she wasn't expecting.

"So, you still didn't tell me why you left Chadwick." she says, putting her hair into a messy bun. 

"Is that why you played that bad ?" Christen asks smiling, "Because that question was distracting you ?" 

"Hum, first of all, it may not have been my best games, but I definitely won most of them," she says dropping the controller on the bed, "and two, I just remembered when I put on my sweater that you left your home too."

"It wasn't home." Christen instantly corrects Tobin. 

And Tobin looks at her, with her long eyelashes. She doesn't say anything, but she's looking at her, almost looking in her. And it's kind of too scary for Christen, so she looks down, staring at the white sheets under her. Not that there is anything to stare at anyway, but at least she doesn't have to meet Tobin's eyes. Which are opposite of the emptiness of the fabric and full of a lot of things. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push you or anything." Tobin says barely above a whisper. 

"I just was with someone I wasn't sure I still wanted to be with" she says after collecting her thoughts, "the only way to get out of that was to leave and see."

"So you gave up everything, moved out, changed college," Tobin says with a smile, trying to ease the tension, "just to avoid a breakup talk ? Real mature Press." 

She finally looks into Tobin's eyes again, and a laugh escapes her mouth. 

"No, Stanford was always what I wanted anyway." she smiles, "I just clung on that person." 

And Tobin is listening to her, paying close attention to what she'll say next. And when she is ensured that Christen is done, she takes a few seconds to answer.  
She was one of those people who thought before talking, not while talking.  
And she genuinely looks like she cares, and like she's focused on what you're rambling about.  
Maybe that's the girl's investment that makes Christen speak again, or maybe that's the desperate need to find someone who feels the same way, but she does. 

"Have you ever wanted things to change so badly, that you can't even stand to be in the same room with the way things actually are ?" she says in a low voice, as if admitted too loud, the whole world would know and laugh at her thoughts. 

She watches Tobin's smile falters and her expression going from amused to serious in a matter of seconds. And when she catches dark brown eyes, she doesn't need her to say anything to know her answer.  
Luckily she doesn't, because a knock on the door interrupts them and Tobin's face unfreeze. The girl jumps out of bed in an abrupt move. 

"Yeah ?" she asks, gazing at the door, clearing her throat. 

"The girls are heading back Christen." Alex says opening the door. 

The three of them join the others downstairs and Christen witnesses two pairs of eyes traveling from Tobin's hoodie to Christen's face a few times.  
And even though nothing happened that night she wore Tobin's apparel, she feels embarrassed at the thought of the scenarios going on in her friends' heads. So she just shakes it off and says bye to Ash, Al and Ali and then turns to Tobin.  
She gives her a small wave and now that the moment is gone, she feels too awkward to say anything to her. 

 

***

 

Tuesday's practice is especially tough. There's less sequences with the ball, and a lot more of running going on.  
So when her roomies and her get back at their house, they are literally whacked. But apparently, Kelley has still some energy to bother Christen. 

"Please, tell me who it is!" she demands, taking a Coke out of the fridge. 

"For the 59th time, you'll know soon enough." Christen says biting her apple. 

"But why won't you tell me ? please." she begs Christen. 

And she feels like she won't stop whining until she actually gets an answer, so Christen does what she does best : divert her attention. 

"Okay I'll tell you if you tell me who you're seeing." she says, leaning back on the counter. 

And Kelley goes silent. 

 

***

 

On Wednesday, she's preparing herself to face Tobin and actually talk to her without being awkward.  
But 5 minutes after the class starts Tobin is nowhere to be found. 15 minutes later, still no signs of her. So after 30 minutes, Christen understands that the girl won't show up. 

But on Thursday's practice, she's there, running around with her ball, laughing.  
And after nutmegging Alex, she spots Christen. 

"Hi there." she says grinning. 

"Hey," Christen simply greets her, "Look who decided to show up." 

And Tobin tilts her head in confusion, like a puppy. 

"Oh right," she offers finally understanding, "Yeah I worked late that night and then I didn't wake up that time." 

"Why would you study at night ?" she asks curious. 

"Well, I don't know," she struggles to answer, "Everybody got their method right ?" 

"Yeah, yours really seems to pay off." she states. 

Tobin rolls her eyes, and with a swift move, kicks the ball away from under Christen's foot.

"Got it General Press." she says solemnly mimicking a soldier's salute. 

And Christen just sighs at the girl. 

 

*

 

If last practice was intense, then Christen clearly didn't know what this one was. It was harsh, and almost excessive. Mainly cardio, dexterity, and coordination.  
So when it finally comes to an end, she is craving the touch of a ball on her feet. When everyone is gone to the locker room, she aligns balls outside the box and takes a few shots.  
On her fourth ball, somebody interrupts her. 

"Hey, nice shots." she hears.

When she turns around, she sees Lauren, looking at her with an impressed smile.  
She wasn't really close to the girl, but she was the captain of the team so obviously she had talked to her a couple times. She was a nice person, Christen had concluded, but being a busy senior meant that she didn't hang out with her a lot.  
So Christen is quite taken aback to see her standing there, when everyone else is gone.

"I heard that you're in Tobin's Speech/Comm class ?" she asks. 

"Yep, we are." she says, trying to understand where the captain is going. 

"I don't know if you're aware," she explains, "but Tobin has had really bad grades in that discipline." 

Christen just nods a no, because really she didn't know. She knew the girl had some issues but she thought she was still maintaining a correct overall average. 

"So do you think that maybe one day after school you could help her out ?" she elaborates, "You don't have to, really. I'd understand if you had too much work to do with your double major and everything." 

"No, no it's fine." she hastens to answer, "I just didn't know she had problems, I would have helped her right away if I did."

"Yeah she's a stubborn kid you know." she laughs, "Do you think tomorrow is okay ?"

"Yes, totally." Christen answers, gathering the balls.

"Okay, well, she'll be there then." Lauren claps her hands, "Thanks though, really." 

 

***

 

When Tobin arrives at 7:00 pm, Julie is on a date with Zach, Kelley is at Alex's and so Christen is alone.  
When Christen opens the door, she finds a smiling Tobin.  
The girl is standing in front of her, wearing a tight black jean with a white tank top and of course her orange backpack on her shoulders. She's holding her handles like a child, and it draws Christen's attention to the uncovered muscular shoulders of the girl, and suddenly she feels smaller in front of her. 

"Come in, I take 12 dollars an hour." Christen jokes.

"Oh my god, you're about to get rich then." Tobin laughs entering the house.

They settle in the living room, and Tobin makes herself comfortable.  
They go through Christen's notes, Tobin completes her own, and then they study for their next quiz. Christen asks Tobin the questions most likely to make it on the test.  
And turns out Tobin is not a bad student, in fact, she has a pretty good memory.  
But it's just that she has trouble focusing. And so after 1 hour of intense quizzing going on, Tobin asks Christen to go through the notes so she can do better next time she'll have to answer.  
She lays down on her back, legs hanging off of the armrest, and her head close to Christen's thighs.  
And after a few minutes of watching an upside down Tobin intently reading notes, Christen asks the question that has been tickling her since the day before.

"Hey, why didn't you tell me you needed help ?" she says. 

"Well first I didn't want you to think I was an idiot," she says tilting her head back to glance quickly at Christen, "and also because you're pretty stressed about your own classes so I didn't want you to waste time or worry about somebody else's things." 

"That's really thoughtful…thanks," she says softly, "And I don't think you're stupid." 

"Not yet." Tobin says with a playful grin. 

And Christen just rolls her eyes and goes back to her notes.  
About 30 minutes later, she's taken away from her reading by her phone vibrating. 

"Yes Kell, she's still there." Christen says bending over Tobin, "we're almost done I think." 

And that's when she sees Tobin's eyes closed.  
Her notes are still in her right hand, and her hair are spread out on the couch. She looks so peaceful and so soft, that Christen instinctively reaches for the girl's golden hair, moves a strand of hair off of her face, before softly giving her a few strokes. 

"She's asleep." she informs Kelley, "…What ? On the couch ?" 

Kelley is suggesting her to let the passed out girl on the couch for the night, and when Christen tells her that it's not that comfy, Kelley gives up her room and says she'll sleep in Tobin's room there. 

_Yeah right, I bet you're sleeping in TOBIN's room_ , she thinks to herself, hanging up the phone.  
And suddenly she becomes fully cognizant of the motion of her hand, still in contact with Tobin's hair.  
_Oh my god, what the fuck am I doing_ , she freaks out at the idea of the girl waking up and catching her being a fucking weirdo.  
So she carefully takes off her hand, biting her lower lip and prays the other girl's eyes won't open.  
And just when she thinks she's in the clear, she feels smooth fingers grabbing delicately her wrist. And it makes Christen's blood boil and her mind go blank immediately. She doesn't dare to move, too embarrassed to react. She watches Tobin turns on her left side without a word, still eyes closed before slowly placing Christen's hand on her head again.  
So Christen mechanically rubs her hair again. 

 

***

 

When Christen wakes up the next morning, she just hopes Tobin was too sleepy to actually remember what happened.  
The night before, after a few minutes of caressing Tobin's hair, Christen had assumed the girl was asleep again. And this time when she took off her hand, she didn't move at all.  
So she had just covered the lean body with a blanket and went to bed. 

So she makes her way downstairs, and when she sees Tobin still motionless on the couch, she lets out a gasp of air.  
She drinks her coffee slowly, checks her phone and by 8:00 am, she wonders if she should wake up Tobin. They had to leave soon to meet the team at the airport.  
She's internally debating on how to do it gently, when the body stirs up. The girl slowly emerges and stretches out her arms. 

"Hi there." Christen greets her with a cup of coffee in her hands, "Slept well ?"

"Hey," the girls says rubbing her eyes, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to crash like that." 

"It's fine," she plays it casual, "I'm the one sorry for your back." 

And Tobin is barely awake, but she is already laughing. 

Tobin eats a bowl of cereal, takes a shower in the girls' bathroom, and 20 minutes later, they're gone. They take Tobin's car and head back to the girl's house, considering Tobin had to get her stuff for their away game.  
The ride is pretty quiet, but not that awkward. Christen was more of a 'looking out the window' type of passenger, and Tobin didn't seem to mind. The girl had put on her Spotify playlist on shuffle, which involved a lot of Chance The Rapper actually.  
They exchange a few words about how they're feeling tomorrow's game, and when they finally reach the house, Christen is relieved Tobin hasn't talked about the 'cuddly' part.  
When they enter the house, they pass bags in the entrance and catch Alex and Kelley, laying on the couch, Alex spooning Kelley. 

"You guys !" Kelley says throwing a peace sign, "We've been waiting for ages." 

"Sorry I woke up a bit late." Tobin says with an apologetic look.

"Oh if it's you it's fine," Alex says, not moving a inch, "hurry up though, Tobito." 

When they finally get in the car again, Julie has joined them. Apparently Kelley had been a smartass and texted her to just meet them there.  
So obviously, the car is a bit crowded, especially since Kelley had called shotgun and ended up in the front seat beside Tobin.  
Christen wasn't as lucky since she was in the middle of the backseat, between Alex and Julie. 

"Kelley that's not fair, you're too small to be in the front." Alex whines. 

"Well it's not my fault if you're not as fast as you are on the field." she says proudly. 

"Well I call the dibs on rooming with Chris." Julie raises her hand. 

"Oh my god, not fair at all." Kelley says turning back to the girls. 

"Look who's talking." Alex says with a sly smile.

"I call the dibs to room with Tobin then." she says looking at Alex with the same sly grin. 

"I hate you." Alex says crossing her arms. 

Thank god they get to the airport shortly, because Christen couldn't handle sitting so shriveled one more second.  
But her appeasement is short-lived because when they get on the plane, she is seated between Alex and Kelley. And her distress must be quite visible on her face, because Tobin is on her knees on her own seat, one row ahead of her, staring at her. 

"Wanna trade ?" she says with a goofy smile. 

"Oh my god," Christen says with almost teary eyes, "You'd do that ?"

"Well, I like to spend time with my fans," she says handing her tickets to Christen, "so I don't mind."

"I don't feel bad about it anymore." she says rolling her eyes at the presumptuous girl and changes her seat. 

"She's right though," Alex says, "We're totally her fans." 

And Christen just laughs.  
She's on the window side, has an episode of GoT waiting for her. The weekend was starting great for her. 

1h30 minutes later, they finally land in Portland. They settle in their hotel for one night, and it's nothing fancy, but it's cute.  
They unpack their things, and then attend a team's meeting.  
Mark basically tells them some rules about away games : like for example you can't room with the same person two times in a row, change breakfast buddies everyday and other stuff. He explains that it helps the team's bonding and prevents them to create clans inside the group. And Christen pretty much agrees with that. They'll need to be together this season and his system seemed fair.  
After the coach's and captain's little speeches, they have a light practice, and then they all head to bed pretty early to be efficient the next day. 

But the thing is, Christen is too nervous to fall asleep. She knows that even in the best case scenario she'll only get like 10 minutes on the pitch, but still. It's her first game, and plus she has to show her worth, even if she only has a limited time.  
On top of that, she still hadn't talk to Vero. She was still pissed with her and couldn't find the right words to respond to her.  
So, when she still can't find sleep at 11:00 pm, she decides to go for a walk.  
She roams around the hotel for a moment, before exiting the building, in need of fresh air.  
And when she does, she directly notices her teammate sitting on the large stairs of the hotel. 

"I think we're meant to meet in dark outdoors places." Christen states with a chuckle. 

And Tobin turns her head in a swift move, with her indelible smile. 

"Can't sleep ?" she asks Tobin. 

"No, I was waiting for a call," she says, her phone in one hand, "for the National camp. There's a couple of friendlies next week." 

"Oh did you get it ?" she asks hopeful, "did you get the call ?" 

"Nope," she says putting her head back on her knees, "But I'm hoping tomorrow." 

And Christen just nods, sitting on her side. 

"What's keeping you awake ?" she says, turning her head. 

"I'm a bit anxious," she smiles, "but it's fine though, I think I'm more excited than stressed." 

"What is it about then ?" she asks with genuine care. 

"It's nothing, really nothing." she hesitates. 

And after a few seconds of just staring at Christen's profile, Tobin looks away. 

"Is it about a certain Chadwick boy ?" she asks quietly. 

And now it's Christen's turn to examine Tobin's profile. 

"If it is, I won't force you," she pursues, "But I just need you to say it won't interfere with your first game." 

And then Christen thinks about how she can't afford to be completely focused on her first game.

"It's stupid," Christen sighs, "He told me he'd come but then team's stuff came up twice and now he can't make it." 

Christen is almost repelled by the use of this pronoun, and for the first time, she's starting to think that coming out is getting urgent. 

"And so, you're mad at him ?" Tobin speaks cautiously, finally looking back at Christen. 

"I know I shouldn't, but why fan false hopes if he's not sure he can make it ?" she asks, frustrated. 

"I mean, he probably wanted to see you so much that he didn't really think through." Tobin tries. 

"But still.." she trails off. 

"You're dumb when you're in love," she offers, "and plus, he's probably as disappointed as you are, if not more." 

"Yeah, probably." she delivers, thinking about the idea. 

And after a few minutes of silence, Christen is finally getting tired. She's about to say goodnight to Tobin, when the girl speaks again. 

"Can I ask you something though ?" 

"Yeah sure." she says suppressing a yawn. 

"You know how you said you clung on that person ?" she asks maintaining eye contact. 

"Yes ?" Christen answers. 

"Is it because he made you feel safe ?" Tobin wonders. 

"Yeah, probably." she answers, and she knows that 'probably' shouldn't even be in her response. 

"So being here was what you wanted before that person and this feeling came along, right ?" she slowly delivers, "But now you're finally here, so why are you still with him then ?" 

She collects her thought for an instant, before answering the tough question the girl is asking. 

"I came back here to go back to myself slowly.." she struggles to continue her phrase.  
And when she doesn't find her words, Tobin helps her.

"And you don't know if you can go back to being you and keep him at the same time yet." 

"I'm figuring it out." she finally says, looking at her feet.

"You don't have to be ashamed Christen." the other girl whispers. And when Tobin nudges her leg with her knee, Christen looks at her again. 

"Some people fall in love young," she says, not looking away from her, "and it just takes a bit more time for them to find out which parts of themselves have been mold in their lover's shape and which have not." 

She marks a pause, as if to let the words sink in and make their way through Christen's head, before continuing again. 

"It doesn't mean you'll never be you again, it just takes time to reshape it all," she says softy, "but once you'll do it, you'll see clear. And I'm sure your boyfriend is willing to do the same. So you'll be fine together, as your own person, both of you." 

And Christen doesn't feel sleepy at all anymore. She's fighting the urge to hug the girl beside her, because the words coming out of her mouth are the only thing Christen needed to hear since a long time.  
Tobin is just looking at her patiently, and making sure her words have been heard by Christen. But Christen is at loss of words, so she just decides to unwind the atmosphere. 

"I can't believe you're not majoring Psy." she states, wiping off tears in her eyes to prevent them to reach her cheek and totally embarrass her again. 

"And I can't believe you think I don't know you're crying." she laughs. 

And now Christen is laughing too. 

"You know if you're sad, I could stroke your hair and stuff, but.." she trails off with a mischievous smile. 

"Oh my god I knew you remembered," Christen goes red, "I'm sorry it was just a reflex. You know I do it all the time with my sisters.." she rambles in a rush. 

"Of course I remember I'm not fucking senile." Tobin bursts into laughter. And she's pretty sure they're doing too much noise, but watching Tobin grinning from ear to ear is enough to not care. 

"I didn't mean to embarrass you, like I said it was just a reflex." she says even faster, even redder. 

"I know, I know," she says catching her breath, "Don't worry, I was just teasing you. Plus, I did force you to keep going so.." 

"Yeah right." Christen says with a pleased smile. 

They're slowly recollecting themselves and Tobin unlocks her phone slowly. 

"About the sleeping thing, I've got a Spotify playlist if you want," she says with the ghost of a smile still on her face, "Gets me every time." 

And then she watches Tobin opening the app, searching Christen's name and following her. 

"Here, now you only have to go on my profile." she says gently. 

And Christen looks at Tobin, one hand supporting her head. 

"Why are you so nice to me ?" she asks, genuinely interested in the answer. 

"Well my agent told me I should do more charity." she says with a dead serious tone. 

"Oh my god, fancy Tobin," she says, gently mocking the girl, "has an agent and everything."

"I was joking, I don't have one." she says with a smile, "Yet." 

"I can't believe you." she lets out a small laugh, and then remembers something she meant to ask earlier.  
"Hey, while you're at it, could I get your number ? In case things gets bad between Alex and Kell again." 

"Yeah sure, good idea." Tobin agrees with a smile. 

So Christen gives her her number and Tobin sends her a text. And after that, they decide to go to bed before getting caught.  
Christen's room is first, so she opens her door. 

"Goodnight Tobin." she offers the girl. 

"Sweet dreams Christen." Tobin smiles. And then continues on her way. 

"Tobin ?" Christen loudly whispers before the girl is too far gone. And when she turns around, Christen just grins.  
"Thank you." she says, and she hopes Tobin knows how deeply she means that. 

 

***

 

Game day really are the best days. Christen wakes up feeling good, despite her late escapade, and thrilled to finally play. And so is the rest of the team : music is blasting from the rooms, everybody is in a good mood and Kelley is definitely TOO excited, but it feels nice.

They're getting ready in the locker room, and Alex finishes a braid on Moe. 

"Tobito, you're next ?" she shouts from her spot. 

"Oh my god, good luck touching ONE lock of her hair." Lauren laughs beside Tobin, "She can't stand people touching her head, right ?" 

And Tobin doesn't answer but just looks at Christen and gives her a stained smile. And Christen can't help but laugh at the girl's weird facial expression.  
She mouths Tobin a "Interesting" and the girl just rolls her eyes, with a real smile this time.  
They go back to getting ready, and then head out. 

Christen is benched, and it's not a surprise for her. What is, is being subbed in at the 73th minute.  
Their team is unquestionably dominating the other, but they can't seem to confirm their superiority with a goal. It must be said that the Portland Pilots' defense is pretty good too.  
So Christen hopes she can help and crack that backline for her team. 

She gets a few passes, and maintains possession but they still can't find the back of the net.  
So, on the 85th minute, Christen presses high up the wing defender from the opposite team, and with a solid step, she steals the ball off the girl's feet.  
She just sprints as fast as she can, and feigns a shot from the six-yard line, goes the other way and shoots. The ball comes crashing on the crossbar, and drops back in the box, allowing Alex to take her chance and with a header finally find the back of the net.  
The whole team runs to Christen, even Alex surprisingly and just crushes her in a hug. 

They obviously make their way back to the airport, for their 7pm flight, in a joyful mood and Christen is glad her first appearance benefits to the team.  
So she just goes in her plane seat content, and looking forward to rest for short hour, before having access to her bed.  
Tobin sits beside her, and mutters a small "See, you did well Press" before nodding off.  
And this time, Christen doesn't let her eyes linger on the peaceful girl.


	6. I don't say things I don't mean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you'll enjoy this chapter !
> 
> (A lot will happen in the next one.....)

After a well-deserved sleep, Christen wakes up feeling happy on Monday.  
Now that the competition had begun, she was feeling more confident about her game. And she was getting in the right mindset, focused on her goal to broach their next game.  
She arrives Mr.Dames' class like every Mondays, and Tobin is here again. But this time she's not half asleep on her table, she's sitting straight in her chair, her phone in her hands. 

"Hey," Christen greets her, "Still no call ?"

"Nope." Tobin says, letting out a low sigh. 

"You'll get it," Christen tries to cheer her up, "They don't call you Tobito for nothing, right ?" 

"Oh my god not you too." she laughs. 

Christen sits down and when she looks at Tobin again, she is already staring at her. 

"So, did you fix things with your boyfriend yet ?" she asks unsure. 

"Yeah I texted him earlier," she says opening her folder, "we kind of found a moment for him to visit." 

"Oh that's nice," she tells Christen with a hint of a smile, "Does that mean we'll actually meet the mysterious guy ?" 

"Why does everybody keeps calling him that ?" Christen answers, "But yeah, you should get to see him."

"Yeah, if there's actually a real guy." Tobin mumbles under her breath with a playful smile.

"Oh my.." Christen says offended, gently punching the arm of the girl, "there **IS** a guy. He's real !"

"Ouch," she laughs, smoothing the spot on her arm, "Calm down tiger, I was just teasing you !" 

"Do people actually think I'm lying…?" she asks and she begins to panic.

"Oh god Christen," she stops the girl, "Everybody knows that a girl like you single would be a fucking miracle. I was just messing with you." 

And Christen wonders if she means that in the way she takes the girl's words. But apparently Tobin can see that and clarifies it right away.

"Not because you're a nerd or whatever," she says with a dogged gaze, "but because you're a good person." 

And Christen is about to thank the girl for her kind words, when she speaks again.

"And you know, you're almost pretty, so.." she says with a lopsided smile.

And here it goes again. Her small fist hitting the same spot on Tobin's brawny arm once more.  
Tobin fakes a cry of pain, and Christen tries to avoid talking about herself again. 

"What about you, no boys problems ?" she asks hesitantly.  
Tobin holds back a laugh, causing a short snort and taps her pencil on her table. 

"Definitely not." she says, crinkles forming under her eyes. 

Christen didn't want to assume anything about Tobin's preferences. Because obviously, she didn't know her enough to draw conclusions. But obviously, she should have just assumed considering her reaction.  
And now she hopes the girl doesn't see her as an ignorant person. 

But then a student enters the room and standing on the stage, announces that Mr.Dames won't be able to attend class today.  
Christen drops her arms and sighs in annoyance.

"Best Monday of my life." Tobin smiles, tidying up her things.

"Do you realize that we won't have those hours back ?" she asks terror in her voice. 

"Relax Press," Tobin says standing up, "Wanna come play with me to pass time ?" 

And Christen wonders how the girl is so chill. But anyway, she does end up playing with Tobin, on the pitch of campus and it's actually pleasant.  
Seeing Tobin play care-freely really was something, but she won't admit it out loud. She was simply glad she could share this moment with the girl.  
And after a few passes, she's intrigued by how the girl succeeded mastering the ball that well. 

"So how did you end up playing soccer ?" she asks. 

"I didn't end up, I started up playing with a ball." she laughs, "I know it sounds cheesy but it's the truth, as far as I can remember, I always had a ball in my foot."

"Sounds a bit like singers who say they were singing before they could speak." Christen teases Tobin, "But go on." 

"I know right ? Like what did you sing ? 'Mary had a little lamb' ?" Tobin bursts into laughter, and Christen can't help but does the same. 

"No but really though," Tobin starts again after they both regain composure, "my entire life, I always had a ball by my side. And even when I rejected it, I always found my way back to it. It's like, the only constant help in my life. And then I was pretty lucky to have people around me, willing to help me live from that." 

"Why would you reject soccer ?" Christen asks absorbed. Finally getting a glimpse of Tobin's life. 

"Well I associated soccer to some things, some people and so when I looked at a ball, I didn't feel so safe but more repelled." she says taking a deep breath, "But you know how writers say they don't know what they're thinking before writing it on paper ? I kind of feel the same about soccer. And of course it's silly but it works for me. So at one point, I had to look at a ball again." 

Christen examines Tobin's traits, and she sees Tobin in a different way, again.  
And somehow, she was sure this wouldn't be the last time she'll discover Tobin again. The girl kept blowing off Christen's expectations from talk to talk. Now Tobin was talking like someone who had her fair share of tragedies in her life and Christen felt like a moron for ever thinking the girl was only a cocky player with everything brought to her on a silver plate.  
And she just wants to apologize and tell her that she deserves more than a ball as a comfort, but Tobin speaks again.

"What about you though ?" she says, and a soft smile is back on her face again.

And Christen takes a few seconds to catch up on the sudden change of mood.  
She tells Tobin about how at first she was just making flowers crowns on the pitch and then had grown love for the game over time. And how after that, she did her best to become good and succeed in it.

"But you have passion right ?" Tobin asks titling her head to the side. 

"Yeah, I mean it's definitely harder to feel it now because of the pressure and the stakes of every game," Christen answers truthfully, "but when I manage to push that aside, then it's just me and my instinct, and I feel that freedom again." 

"I know what you mean," Tobin says, sitting on the ball, "When they told me that I could go pro, I was scared that it would drown that passion and that I wouldn't enjoy it as much as I did. But then when you get on the pitch, I guess those thoughts vanish right ?"

"Yeah I think so." Christen smiles at her. 

Christen checks the time and is about to say tell Tobin that they should head back, when the girl's phone ring. 

"Allo ?" she says, clenching her sharp jaw. "Yes yes…No I get it.. Thanks.. You too, bye." 

She stands up again, facing Christen with a disappointed look. 

"It was Pia." she offers looking down.

And Christen anticipates the bad news and tries to cheer her up. 

"You'll probably get a call up next time, it's fine," she says searching for the girl's hazel eyes, "It's just friendlies anyway.."

And then Tobin raises her head and throws her arms up. 

"I'm going camp !!!" she shouts, jumping around. 

"Oh my god you're such a little.." Christen stops herself laughing. 

They scream and jump around a few seconds and the students around are looking at them like freaks, but they don't care. After a high-five, they calm down slowly, though.

"So that means you won't play with us this weekend ?" Christen asks.

"Is someone going to miss me ?" she asks, wiggling her eyebrows.

"Nope, not me," she says with a wry grin, "but the team will, though." 

"I'll only miss this one though," Tobin explains, "She told me she had different rosters for every friendly, and since we have a big game next week, she's leaving me alone." 

"Good news for us then." Christen states with a smile.

"Yes, and plus I'll get the team tickets since we'll play here." Tobin says excited.

"That'll be cool Tobin." Christen just answers with a genuine smile.

 

*

 

When she gets back home at 6pm, she goes straight to her room. She has some serious studying to do. So she just gets in comfortable clothes and after 2 hours of going through her notes, she's laying on her back, on her bed, making cards writing a question and the answer on the back.  
When Kelley unexpectedly opens her bedroom door. Her eyes are red and Christen is straightening herself up, but Kelley climbs on her bed, and then on her and pins Christen back to her bed again.  
She grasps strongly Christen's sides and snuggles her face in her neck.  
Christen is freaking out, terrified about what could have possibly happened to her friend. But then, she hears a sniff and a faint voice. 

"It's Alex." she states slowly.

"Shhh, you're fine Kell," she whispers, "You're okay hun." 

She strokes her hair for a good 20 minutes and just when she thinks she's asleep, Kelley opens her mouth. 

"I wanna be with her you know," she starts slowly, "Every time it's the same thing.  
I tell her, and she says she's breaking up with Servando. But then I freak out and I tell her I'm not sure anymore and then she says she knows and that's why she hasn't broke up with him."

"What are you afraid of Kell ?" she asks trying to understand.

Kelley sits on the bed, and looks at Christen like a scared puppy.

"It's Alex you know ?" she says, playing with her hands, "She could have anyone, so why would she sticks with me ? And plus the fact that she doesn't even bother to break up with the guy because she's convinced I'll back off. It means that she doesn't see us as a serious thing. And what if she just wants to have fun from time to time and that's it ?" 

"Shh." Christen hugs Kelley when tears form in her eyes again. 

She watches Julie appear and stand in the doorway wearing a worried look. Christen slowly lets go of Kelley and goes to Julie.  
"Stay with her, I'll be back okay ?" she steers her friend. 

She goes downstairs, still her wearing her short and her tank top, grabs her key and starts her car.  
She told herself she wouldn't get involved in this and would just be there Kelley, but seeing her friend in that state, she could't stand it. So she decided to get answers. 

She pulls up in front of her teammates' house and enters the house without bothering to knock.  
When she gets into the living room, Alex is sitting on her couch, watching tv. Catching Christen's presence, her face shifts in confusion and before she can even speak, Christen reaches for the remote, turns off the TV and sits in front of the girl on the coffee table. 

"Why don't you break up with Servando ?" she states sharply. 

"Excuse me ?" Alex straightens up.

"She told you she wanted you, several times," Christen answers, raising her voice a little, "So why don't you just do it if you feel the same way ?" 

"That's none of your business." she goggles at Christen. 

And honestly, usually she would be intimidated by the blue eyes, but not now. 

"When my friend comes home crying," Christen says coldly, not looking away, "Yes it is."

Alex blinks quickly and too much times in a row, and for a split second she thinks she reads sadness on the girl's face but it's gone as fast as it appeared. 

"Do you think this is a game for me ?" Alex glares at her. 

"What is going on?" Tobin says eyebrows furrowed, chopping each one of her words.

Christen had been so caught up trying to extract the truth from blue eyes that she hadn't noticed Tobin coming in the room. 

"Nothing, I was just trying to know why our teammate wouldn't break up with her boyfriend." Christen states stoically. 

"Oh my god," Tobin says grabbing Christen's arm, "Come here." 

She leads her upstairs, against Christen's will of course and opens a door for her. 

"You, stay here 5 minutes, okay ?" Tobin asks almost rhetorically, pushing Christen inside and closing the door. 

Christen sighs and takes a few seconds to chill out.  
When she calms down, she become aware of her surroundings. It's her first time in this room, and when she looks closely at the many pictures hanging on the walls, she identifies whose it is.  
It's a nice bedroom, really, with a lot of pictures and trophies. Of course, Christen isn't surprised to find a ball and a penny board in one corner.  
What catches her attention though, is the canvas, hovering on the girl's desk chair. Christen is staring at it, from her spot on the girl's bed, and it looks like it's made of several little pieces, forming a wave encircled by the various colors of the sky. She wonders where the girl got it, and makes a mental note to ask Tobin about it. 

She lets out a breath again, and slowly lets herself drop her back on the bed. Staring at the ceiling, she recollects what she just did. And now, that she realized, it didn't sound as smart as it did a couple of minutes ago. She was starting to think that there would have been a thousand ways to deal with it, and that all of them were better than hers. She didn't know the all story, and Kelley had said that she was backing off every time after all.  
So she just closes her eyes, the realization that she had made a bad choice hitting her. 

When she opens them again, it's an hour later though. And Tobin is in the middle of her room, standing above a half filled suitcase. 

"Oh my god," she says in a low voice, rubbing her eyes, "I'm sorry for falling asleep, you should have woken me up." 

"It's fine," Tobin says turning in an instant, "You're quite a heavy sleeper actually." 

Christen just gives her a small smile, and she's restraining herself to ask about Alex. 

"It's fine, I talked to her." Tobin says, reading her worry features, "She went to see her." 

"What ?" Christen straightens herself up, surprised. 

"She is going to break up with this dude." Tobin says folding a shirt. 

And when she reads the unconvinced look on Christen's face, she speaks again. 

"For real," she accentuates, "she takes the blame for the whole thing and now she is willing to do it right." 

"But I mean, she isn't the only one to blame." Christen trails off, suddenly feeling guilty for putting that idea in the girl's head. 

"Christen," Tobin says putting her shirt in the suitcase and giving her full attention to her, "What's wrong ?" 

"Nothing," Christen answers, now defending Alex "but Kelley kept backing off too, so I guess she has reasons to have trust issues…?"

Tobin is sitting in front of her, and she takes a few seconds to respond this one. 

"Okay, but consider this." she says moving her hands, "Nothing will ever be all black or all white right ? It's always a different shade of grey."

Christen just nods, trying to get the girl's point.  
Because it's true, Christen never looked at a situation and thought black, and never experienced something and said white.

"But sometimes, for you, for your own happiness, and **sanity** ," she says emphasizing her last word, "you have to choose to see black, you have to choose to judge white. You don't have to keep it grey. And certainly not when it's torturing you." 

And Christen just lets the girl's words hit her. And it's hitting her pretty violently.

"So my opinion here is," she says with a satisfied, almost funny, expression, "Kelley couldn't do it on her own, so you did it for her. And look what it brought ? A brand new couple." 

And Tobin is smiling at her with a thumbs up and Christen wonders how thinking this way looks so easy and natural for the girl.

"So you're saying I'm kind of a Cupid ?" Christen asks, choosing to joke about it now.

"Yep, 'modern times Cupid' it is." she says clapping her hands and going back to her suitcase. 

After a few moments, Christen sighting reminds her to asks something to Tobin.

"Hey, the canvas you have here," she says, pointing to the chair, "where did you get it ? It's really beautiful." 

"Hum, somewhere down this street," she says, searching her words, "Why, do you want one ?" 

"Yeah, kinda, but do they have some with stars though ?" she asks interested.

"Think so," Tobin scratches the back of her neck, "I'll get you one if you want." 

"Yeah ?" Christen says with excitement, "That's nice, thanks." and it earns a grin from Tobin.  
"I should head back though." Christen grabs her keys.

"Yeah, it's getting pretty late." Tobin says, still smiling at her.

"I'm sorry for my little scene," Christen says with a shy voice, "but thanks for handling it.." 

"You stood up for your friend, Christen." Tobin says looking at her kindly.

"Yeah," Christen states, "Good luck for camp by the way." 

"Thanks," she offers with an easy smile, "Text me when you get home okay ?" 

"Yeah," she says before turning around, "Bye Tobin." 

 

***

Saturday was the big day. They had their game by 2pm, and then they had to sprint to the uswnt's one.  
Everyone is twice as much excited as the previous week. But in the locker room, Lauren calms them down.

"Okay girls," she says standing in the middle of the room, "Now time to be focus. We can beat them if we pressure right away. We don't wait for them, we settle our game and we get efficient in front of the goal." 

"Team on 3." Kelley shouts.

They motivate each other and then head to the pitch with nothing but determination.  
And although Christen is on the bench again, she is in the same state of mind.  
The first half, the team perfectly applies Lauren's directives and takes the lead with one goal. But the second half though, they are struggling to keep the ball. And the other team keeps pushing, diminishing their game to basically just defending. 

So when Mark gets Christen in at the 65th minute, he expects a goal, and she knows it.  
On the 75th minute, Alex outflanks their opponents and wins a corner. Kelley raises one arm, indicating that the ball is landing on the far-post. And it does, finding Lindsey's head but the ball is rejected by the keeper's strong fist.  
And that's when Christen's instinct gets the upper hand. She sees the ball coming right at her at the top of the box. So she positions herself, trying to maintain a good balance and lashes a half-volley. She only understands that she scored when a wild Kelley jumps on her back and then feels Ali crushing her into a big hug. After that, the whole team joins and she's basically on the ground, euphoric.  
Luckily, they succeed to keep the score sheet that way, and the locker room is filled with laughter and music again. 

 

*

 

They get dressed in a hurry and head to their bus. And after a good hour and a half, they reach the next stadium.  
Christen had thought about sending Tobin a lucky text but she also thought she'd probably be busy and tired and stuff. Plus she had learned that the girl wasn't really a good texter. In fact, when she had sent her a message to let her know she was home safe that night, Tobin had responded 1 hour later, with a smiling emoji. So Christen had refrained to send something. 

But turns out she didn't needed one anyway. Indeed, her team is winning 4-0 against the Costa Rican girls and they're clearly dominating the game. Tobin even gets a goal late in the match, and when she scores, she just taps her chest and points her finger at the sky. As if it was nothing special, as if she was scoring in her backyard.  
Christen must admit that seeing her play with the Nat team definitely makes a change from seeing her with the Stanford one. Of course, her style is the same, her posture is the same, and her fancy touches too. But in that jersey, she looks wiser, older and like someone you'd look up to.  
And Christen wonders if she'll ever have the chance to wear that jersey and provoke that feeling in someone too. 

The game end with no suspense, and the girl are pretty pleased with what they saw, when Alex nudges Kelley's shoulder.  
Christen looks in the direction Alex is pointing at, and she witnesses, on the pitch, Tobin going straight to some Costa Rican girl and putting her in a tight hug. 

"Oh my god." Kelley says jumping up. 

All the girls seem gossiping about it, and Christen has no idea what is happening. 

"What's up ?" she asks confused, "Who's that ?" 

"Christen Annemarie Press," Kelley says offended, "Don't you know nothing about Woso ?" 

"Yes I do," Christen delivers, annoyed by the girl's antics, "But I don't quite see the 'So' part in this ?" 

"Nothing, there's rumors about them being a thing." Julie says with a shrug. 

"Oh so you know too ?" Christen teases her friend on her left.

"It's not a rumor," Alex corrects them, "Tobin told me a bit about it." 

And Christen almost feels hurt about not knowing about it too. She had felt like they were getting closer, and better friends. But apparently not as much as she thought.  
Maybe she was overthinking again, or maybe not. But one thing was sure, she was tired and ready to go to bed.  
But well, bus rides were truly painful. She just wants to sleep but can't get comfy in her seat. So she just waits patiently, checking her phone, putting music on and trying not to get grumpy. 

But when she finally gets to her bed, she finds out it wasn't about her seat, because she can't get comfy in her own bed either.  
And after a few minutes of trying to sleep, she gives up. Instead, she decides to put out her laptop to listen to Tobin's playlist since it worked the last time.  
But when she opens the page, she sees Tobin's icon on the right of her screen popping, indicating she's listening to something. 

And she hated having Tobin on it. Because now, she knew that the girl was currently listening to **"What you need" by The Weeknd**. At 1:00 am.  
And you know those wild intrusive thoughts you get sometimes and then you're like, 'oh my god what is wrong with me.' ?  
Well Christen was having one right now. And it was involving certain teammate with a rumored girlfriend. Because let's be honest, who would listen to that type of music at 1am if it wasn't what she was thinking ?  
So Christen just tries to think about anything else.  
She was just ashamed for thinking about Tobin that way, even for a split second. It was as if, if she thought about it, the girl would read her mind, and well, that would be really embarrassing. So she just quickly moves the cursor to the playlist she was looking for in the first place. She presses play and tries to get comfortable in her sheets.  
The first song is still playing when her phone scares her to death. She immediately picks up.

"Hi ?" she asks still recollecting herself. 

"Hey ?" she instantly recognizes the honey-like voice. 

"You scared me again." she states, pausing her music and putting down her laptop. 

"Oh, sorry," Tobin says softly, "Do you want me to hang up ?"

Christen can hear the music playing on the background, and she wonders why would she call her that late. 

"No, what's up ?" she asks closing her eyes, "You okay ?" 

"Yeah yeah, totally," she says slowly, "I just wanted to have you, 'cause I heard you had a special game." 

"Yeah got my first goalie," she grins into the phone, "it was nice. Hey, you did great on your game too." 

"You're so humble," Tobin answers, and it's almost a whisper, "Alex told me all about it and from what she described, I quote, 'it was spectacular', so…?" 

"Yeah, honestly I wasn't thinking about anything, I just kind of did it." she smiles turning on her side, "But I guess not thinking is good, right ?"

"Man, I wish I saw that," she says, and she sounds sleepy and cuddly, "Alex didn't even sound jealous though."

"Well she hates me already anyway, so.." she trails off.

"Well she'll hate you even more when you'll get called up before her," Tobin slowly laughs, "so you better get used to it.." 

And then the line goes dead silent, and she doesn't hear the music anymore.  
After a few seconds, Christen opens her eyes again. 

"What..?" she asks. 

"You heard me Christen." Tobin says quietly. 

"You really mean that ?" Christen asks sinking further into her pillow. 

"I don't say things I don't mean." she says softly and Christen brings her phone even closer to her ear.

"Right, I forgot how wise you were." she says in a barely audible whisper. 

"Do you wan to go to sleep ?" she asks low.

Talking on the phone was special for Christen, she found it even more intimate than talks face to face. Because on the phone, you could only focus on the words, how each one is pronounced, how they're emphasized or not and how each one is important.  
You could only focus on that and on the voice. There was something about hearing so clearly, so closely the voice of someone. And it definitely made you feel warm.  
It was like putting your earphones and listening to your favorite artist. Like, you discover them again, and you feel that proximity, and all of the sounds have so much more impact.  
Christen felt the same. So when Tobin was talking to her, it was calming and gentle.  
And it was helping her drifting away slowly.

"Yeah, but you can keep on talking," Christen delivers with all her energy left, "It's helping me."

"Nice to hear that I make you sleepy." Tobin says, and Christen can hear she's as half asleep as her. 

"It's not a bad thing, I swear." she answers. 

"Okay, so, I'll just talk about camp I guess." Tobin offers. And Christen knows that a smile is playing on the girl's lips. 

 

***

 

When she wakes up, her phone is still on her bed and not smashed on the floor, so that's a good thing. She unlocks it to find a text from Tobin, bringing a smile to her face.

**Tobin : So….You're a snorer, there's that…**

Christen just laughs at her phone. She had that reputation though, so she wasn't that surprised by the girl's message.  
She drops her phone on her bed, and gets out of her room. 

The day is pretty calm, and they just hang out, watching old Grey's Anatomy episodes.  
Mark had made it clear that Sunday was meant to recover, because they needed to be a hundred percent ready for their big game Monday. 

So on Monday morning, when they arrive to the team bus, they feel bucked up again.  
It's a 5 hours drive though, and Christen doesn't have anything to watch this time. So she just puts her earphones on, and plays **"Loft Music" by The Weeknd** , she was kind of in a The Weeknd mood. She texts Vero and they make plans for when she'll come. They had agreed that she would come Saturday and Sunday of this week.  
And Christen was fully aware that she only had a few days to come out to her friends. Maybe she could say she was a friend ? No, no excuses. She was feeling more confident and ready to let that part of herself out.

When they reach their destination, at noon, Tobin is already waiting for them in the hotel lobby. She had said that there was not point to make a detour when she could head there right away.  
The whole team immediately gathers around her, Alex jumps on her and Kelley keeps asking her things.

"Did you get the ball signed by everyone ?" Kelley says excited.

"Did you tell Abby I'm gonna be her apprentice soon ?" Alex asks, leaving no chance for the girl to answer the first question.

"Guys, calm down," Lauren slows them down, "You all are asking for stuff without even telling her how great she played." 

"Yeah right," Tobin says with a large smile, "You savages !" 

"Now hurry, go in the meeting room, we've got a game in 6 hours." Lauren claps her hands. 

And after a collective sigh, the girls scatter. Christen follows them and Tobin catches up with her.

"Hey," she says happily with a giant smile "slept well ?"

"Hi," Christen returns her smile, "Pretty well, what about you?" 

"Pretty well too." Tobin delivers.

And now that she sees the girl's smile and can actually distinguish the color of her eyes, she realizes she may have missed her all things considered. 

The meeting is pretty short, Mark just reminds them about the roommate rule, and tells them when they'll have to be ready.  
Christen ends up rooming with Ali. They were getting along pretty well, and she was glad that Ali had asked her. But when she gets out of the shower, the girl had other plans. 

"I've got a favor to ask you." she says with her hands joined.

"What's up ?" Christen says with a suspicious look.

"Does it bother you if I switch room with Ash's roommates tonight ?" she asks with pleading eyes.

"Oh my god, did you picked me just to trade ?" she answers offended.

"No no no," Ali leaps, "But Ashlyn is being a baby and she's threatening to sulk if I don't change." 

"Real mature," Christen laughs, "but yeah no problem." 

"Oh thank god." Ali says relieved.

 

*

 

The game is a mess. It's raining cats and dogs, they can't score, they can't keep possession. It's a disaster.  
They knew it was a big game coming here. UCLA were serious concurrents and winning that match was a serious advantage. But they also knew that it was a tough team, physically strong, and that the game they played two days ago was still in their legs.  
When Christen gets in at halftime though, she hopes she can help her team's game.  
But she doesn't. She tries everything, but she barely gets the ball and her plays don't lead to anything.  
They're lucky enough to earn a penalty kick late in the game, on the only dangerous occasion they get. And Lauren puts the ball in the back of the net. So they snatch a win thanks to their captain, but not a convincing one. 

When the game ends, most of the girls are relieved, and although there's not music blasting through the locker room this time, they still decide to celebrate out their win.  
But Christen declines when Kelley asks her to come.  
She's soaked up and she hates herself for failing. She was a forward, and she didn't helped her team at all. She was supposed to score, it was her responsibility. And Mark had trusted her, he subbed her in at halftime, and she had failed him. 

So Christen just puts her earphones and stares out the window the whole way back.  
She ignores everything, everyone, too busy blaming herself and goes straight to her room.  
But when she tries to close her door, something prevents her to do so. 

"Ashlyn told me to switch room." Tobin says quietly. And she looks as disappointed as her. 

And Christen wants to ask why she's not going out with the others, but she just nods.  
She takes a shower, and goes to bed, without another word. She's sneezing, and she can already tell she's gonna be sick. And suddenly the room feels colder. She wraps herself in her sheets, only her head perceptible.  
She starts replaying the entire game in her head, and what she missed. And maybe that's why she doesn't hear Tobin coming out of the shower later.  
But then, she hears her sitting on the bed on the other end of the room. She can't see her, because she's facing the other side and the room is almost entirely dark, but she can tell the girl doesn't lay down. 

"Christen.." Tobin trails off, and it's a whisper.

"Yeah ?" Christen answers, even lower than her friend.

"You know it wasn't your fault" she pauses, slowly, "right ?"

Christen doesn't answer that, instead she clenches her jaw tight, to prevent emotions overflowing her.

"We couldn't even get the ball to the midfield," Tobin murmurs, "How could you have something to do with that ?"

And Christen can't answer that either, because tears are forming in her eyes.  
She's disappointed, and cold and tired, and she feels like a pathetic weeper. So she just curls up.

A few minutes pass by, and the hotel room is still plunged in a deathly silence.  
Until a faint voice speaks again.

"You're shivering." Tobin just states. 

And then she hears footsteps. She assumes that the girl is getting a blanket or something to hand to her, but then the unoccupied side of her mattress sinks down a bit.  
And she feels the other girl, behind her, lie down on the sheets. Christen doesn't dare to move, or turn around. She's wondering what the girl is doing, but then she feels a firm hand, gently stroking up and down her arm over the sheets.  
It's the first time that Tobin is standing so close to her, and Christen is quite taken aback by the new-found proximity and she doesn't know what to do, so she just stays still, without a word.  
And after a few minutes, Tobin's fingers stop. 

"Are you still cold ?" she whispers in the darkness of the room.

"No," Christen forces herself to speak at an audible volume, "I'm hot actually." 

"Sorry." Tobin mumbles and quickly pulls her hand away, as if Christen's skin was suddenly burning. 

And the girl is supporting herself with her arm to climb off the bed. She is standing up when Christen turns around and grab hold of Tobin's left wrist.  
She doesn't know why she does it. Maybe it's because she needs reassurance, maybe it's because the vanilla scent is missing again, or maybe because she needs a friend, but she won't think about that.  
She can't properly see Tobin's eyes, or even her face, because of the color of the night. But she is trying her best to tell her what she means without words. And of course her face is darken, but it doesn't stop Tobin from understanding. Because next, she pulls down the cover of the bed, and resumes her previous position.  
Except this time her hand is not on Christen's arm, but joined with her other, barely brushing Christen's back.

"I let down the team." she says with a shaky voice.

"No you didn't." Tobin answers. And it's soft but firm at the same time. 

Christen sniffs a bit, and then snuggles into her pillow, refusing to face Tobin. She tries not to get too aware of the needed but overwhelming presence behind her. And after a few minutes of cooling down, she yawns. 

"You're the best forward of our team _Chris_." Tobin whispers sleepily and Christen ignores the goosebumps from the words hitting the skin on her neck.

 

***

 

When she wakes up the next morning, she's alone in her bed. And she wonders if she dreamt that, but then she sees the other bed, untouched.  
Tobin's gesture the night before was definitely unexpected. And Christen didn't know how she felt about it yet, or how she even found herself in that situation. But she just hoped that Tobin wouldn't be embarrassed because Christen already felt awkward about their next interaction. 

When she gets to breakfast though, her worries are vanished. She joins a table where Ashlyn, Ali, Kelley and Tobin are sitting, talking enthusiastically. When she sits down, Tobin immediately grins softly at her, and gives her a gentle "Hi.".  
And Christen feels that things have change, but not in the way she expected. Not in the awkward way, but on the contrary, she feels even more familiar and comfortable now.  
At least that's what she thought. 

"Okay so now that your cuddle buddy is here," Kelley says to Tobin, pointing to Christen, "Could you explain ?" 

And Christen's eyes go wide.

"She told me." Kelley tells Christen, pointing to Ashlyn.

So Christen glares to Ashlyn.

"She told me." Ashlyn says in defense, pointing to Ali.

And Christen's gaze follows the direction of her finger once more.

"I went back to the room earlier to get some clothes and you were kind of in the same bed." Ali says with an apologetic look, "But I only told Ash, I swear.." 

She is pretty sure she is red now, and tries to think of something to say but Tobin beats her.

"Okay, so" Tobin says dropping her cup of coffee on the table, "First of all we were not cuddling." 

"Yeah right." Kelley laughs. And then stops directly under Christen's burning eyes.

"The thing is," Tobin continues with a proud smile, "I couldn't sleep in your sheets, dear Ali, because of the nasty stuff you did in it with Mrs Harris." 

And now all the pairs of eyes are staring at the happy couple. 

"So I had no choice but to sleep with Press." Tobin says delighted to spill, "And luckily she said it was fine." 

"What.." Ashlyn stutters, "I totally don't know what you're talking about." 

"Yeah right," Tobin pretends to think, "Maybe it was all in my head, you telling Ali over the phone that, I quote, 'Christen won't hear with the water, and then I'll just make..'"

And then Ali puts her hand on Tobin's mouth and the other girls all release disgusted noises.

"Oh my god Lauren has a rule about that." Kelley shouts grimacing. 

Tobin winks at Christen, still a hand on her mouth, and now, she is reassured enough to just laugh with all her heart.

 

*

 

When they finish breakfast, Christen slows her pace to walk next to Tobin. 

"Hey," she catches her attention, "Thanks for that."

"No worries." she smiles.

"And for not letting me feel like a loser." she adds, and this time when she looks into her eyes, she knows that Tobin gets it. 

"I am your friend," Tobin tells her, stopping in her tracks, "and I am here for you _Chris_." 

And when she hears those words, she believes her right away.


	7. you do know that I don't exclusively eat muffins, right ?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you like "Friends" you'll get the reference! And if you don't watch it, you can look it up it only takes a few seconds I promise... :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I'm back! And super bummed about France losing in the quarters finals.......
> 
> Here's one "long" chapter for you, and a small 8th one too. 
> 
> Hope you'll like it!

It doesn't happen as she planned it. Not at all.

It's a Thursday evening, and the three roommates are having a little girl's night with Ali, Alex and Tobin. They're just relaxing after their previous stressful days, watching an old Friends episode.  
You know, this one where Ross cheats on Rachel.  
Christen, Kelley and Tobin are on the couch, while the three others are in the kitchen, probably doing the dishes. 

"Oh my god," Kelley says rolling her eyes, "They were on a break, Rachel is so dramatic." 

"He literally cheated on her 2 hours after they had a fight," Christen defends the character, "What's wrong with you ?" 

"Of course you'd say that" Kelley answers looking at Christen, "Tobito, back me up here." 

"Sorry but I gotta agree with Christen there" she says, foot on the small table, drinking a sip of her coke. 

"And here I thought you were the Joey type," Kelley says shaking her head slowly, "cheating and stuff." 

"Can't call that cheating," Tobin says with a big smile, "because he doesn't date."

"Oh so you're the Joey," Kelley says grinning, "Knew it."

"Well," she says leaning over Kelley, "then you're the Chandler to my Joey."

"This is the best compliment I've ever been told." Kelley says putting her hand on her heart.

"Hi there, third wheel talking," Christen says, "Get your glasses to the kitchen." 

"Oh don't feel left out Pressi." Kelley answers, stroking her back.

"Hey Christen," Tobin says, and then she readjusts her position, put on her best charming smile, and speaks again. "How you doin ?" 

And Kelley bursts into laughter giving Tobin a high-five. 

"Oh my god." Christen says standing up, "So, so under your spell right now."

"Oh come on," Kelley says holding her stomach, "You know you would totally fall for him if he told you that." 

"I would absolutely not." Christen answers annoyed, "He's totally not my type." 

"What do you mean he's not your type ?" Tobin says, still wearing a smile. 

"He's not, that's all.." Christen answers with a shrug. 

"Why wouldn't he be your type" Kelley insists, "I'm not even into men and he's my type." 

"Oh my god." Christen mumbles, loosing patience. 

"Won't go that far," Tobin states, "But really, what is it about him that you don't like ?" she asks intrigued. 

"Well, I don't know," Christen says gathering the glasses on the small table, "maybe the fact that he's a 'he' ?"

And when she hears Tobin basically choking on her coke, she realizes what she just said. And if she didn't know the girl, she would have thought she had a problem with that.  
She slowly turns around to find Kelley staring at her with her eyes practically out of her orbits, and Tobin as stunned wiping off her mouth with her sleeve.

"Yay, finally" Julie says coming from the kitchen, throwing herself at Christen.

"Oh. My God." Kelley says astonished, "What ?" 

"I kinda like girls ?" she says hesitantly, letting go of Julie.

"Oh. My. God," she says again, throwing herself at Christen too, "come here !"

And after a few more pats on the back from the other girls, Christen feels so much lighter. She couldn't believe she had just done it. She initially had a little speech and everything to announce it, but at least that way spared her the stress. 

Apparently Julie had known since a long time, but had kept her mouth shut. And Christen was more than grateful for that. She couldn't imagine what this conversation would have looked like 2 years ago.. 

"So, that's why you wouldn't tell us about your boyfriend !" Ali pieces together. 

"Right.." Christen pleads guilty with a smile, "Her name is Vero." 

"I knew that too." Julie wiggles her eyebrows. 

"How would you know that," Kelley asks from Alex's lap, "you're such a little liar." 

"She was always texting her and stuff," Julie defends herself, "don't come at me juste because you're blind !"

Christen tells them how they met, and started dating, and of course Kelley wants to know everything. So she details as best as she can and the girls interrupt her when they want more or to ask question.  
They all ask different kind of things, even Alex surprisingly. But not Tobin. The girl is just sitting there stoically, listening attentively and staring at her. But not one word comes from her mouth.  
And at one point, Christen can't ignore her behavior. She figures that if something was wrong with the girl, she owed her to be there for her too.

"Hey, Tobin," she snaps her out of her daze, "Got the notes from Elijah about the class we missed Monday. Want them ?" 

"Yeah, sure." and Tobin doesn't sound so sure. 

She leads her in her room anyway, and when they arrive Tobin sits on Christen's bed. After a few seconds of searching in her desk, she gets the paper out and hands it to her.

"Here." she says.

"Thanks." Tobin answers reaching for the notes.

But when she tries to take it, Christen doesn't loosen her grip. Tobin looks at her with a confused look. 

"What's wrong Tobin ?" she asks unsure. 

"Nothing ?" Tobin furrows her eyebrows, "I'm fine." 

"You sure ?" Christen says sitting next to her. 

"Yep, totally." Tobin answers, looking down at the notes.

But Christen isn't convinced, at all. So she asks about the only thing that could have bummed her.

"Is it about Shirley ?" she asks concerned.

"What ?" Tobin turns her gaze to Christen, "How do you even know about Shirley ?"

"Alex told us," Christen answers feeling a bit guilty, "at the game when you went to her."

"Oh." Tobin answers laughing.

"Why are you laughing ?" Christen says, slightly offended, "Did I say something funny ?"

"No no, sorry," she says eyes crinkling, "We were a thing. It was kind of complicated. But I still care about her you know ?" 

"Like, still love her ?" Christen asks, eyes boring into Tobin's.

"No, no," Tobin hastens to clarifies, "I want her to be happy, but I'm not in love with her or anything.. She'll just always be special to me." 

"Oh.." Christen says, feeling like a fool for bringing it to the table.

"Yeah, it was like ages ago though," Tobin smiles, "That's why it's funny that you mentioned it." 

"Maybe you should tell the story again to Alex then ?" Christen tries changing the subject. 

Even though the girl was laughing about it, the story seemed quite complex and she didn't want to force Tobin to share even more. But at least the girl had a smile on her face again. 

"Yeah I probably should." she replies, eyes sparkling.

 

***

 

The next day, Christen is pretty nervous about Vero coming. Of course it's her girlfriend, and she knows her by heart. But still. They didn't see each other over a bit more than a month and a lot had already changed in Christen.  
So, that afternoon, after practice, she stays on the pitch and align a few balls again.  
She takes a couple of shots and then drops on the ground from the weariness of her body.  
What if Vero didn't love her anymore. Now that she was becoming more herself. Maybe they wouldn't match anymore..  
She's contemplating whether or not her worries are justified, when a face appears above her.

"Hey, you okay ?" Tobin asks in a silvery voice.

"Yeah yah." Christen says sitting up, "Just tired from taking all those shots." 

"I can see that." Tobin beams. 

Christen just lets out a small laugh, and stands up, to collect the scattered balls. 

"So, I found this place where they have great muffins," Tobin says helping Christen with the balls, "Wanna go sometime ?"

"You do know that I don't exclusively eat muffins, right ?" Christen answers with a half smile. 

"Yeah right," Tobin says a coy smile on her face, "So maybe then, I'll get to learn what else you feed yourself with ?"

"Right." Christen laughs putting the balls in the bag. 

"Tomorrow afternoon ?" Tobin asks a hand on her chin. 

"Oh I can't," Christen turns to Tobin, "I got a date with Vero.." 

"Oh sorry," Tobin says looking rather embarrassed for once, "I forgot about that." 

"But another time," Christen tries to redeem herself, "yeah ?"

"Yeah sure." Tobin utters, waving her hands as if to brush off any issue. 

 

***

 

When Christen feels Vero's limbs around her, she feels at ease again. She had missed that perfume, that way of holding her, those kisses on her neck. 

"I missed you so much," Vero breathes, "mi amor." 

"Let me see your face." Christen demands in a mild voice.

They get back to her house, and Christen tells her all bout her roommates and the team, and how she'll love them. And Vero just laughs along, leering at her. 

When they get home, Julie and Kelley are on the couch, busy with their laptops. But Christen know that they're just pretending. They've been jumping around all week about meeting her lover to the point where Christen was starting to get really tired of it.  
So, when the two girl stroll into the living room, hand in hand, her two friends immediately look up. They both dash to Vero to introduce themselves. And it's funny to Christen, watching her friends overly excited and acting like children at Christmas, only because of her girlfriend. 

It was like the two parts of herself finally mending together, and finally connecting.  
And that's at this particular moment that Christen finally understood what people meant when they talked about the freedom coming out brought them.  
Hiding that side was so exhausting, that now she realized how easy it was to just let go. To just enjoy things normally : introducing your girlfriend to your friend, laughing and just hanging out together. And well, Christen never felt more blissful than she was right now. 

Turned out that they got along pretty well. To be honest, Christen knew Vero was the type to easily socialize and she was thankful for that.  
Kelley and Vero are in the middle of determining which one is the taller when Christen heckles them.

"We're gonna be late, Vero." she interjects them.

"Si," Vero apologizes, "let's go, let's go. You're lucky I got a fancy reservation, otherwise i would have showed you." 

"Yeah right," Kelley snickers, "Yoda." 

"Well in any case," Vero mutters above her shoulder, "even if you don't have the height, you have the maturity of a children." 

And with a wink, Vero closes the front door.

It feels nice to have her around again, and be just the two of them. Christen had missed those little touches, and the closeness of being with someone that way. So she was really looking forward to spend the night with her, and on top of that in a fancy restaurant. 

The night started off on the right foot actually. Vero pulls her chair and waits for her to sit in. And then she fills her in about what happened in Chadwick and others stuff.. So Christen listens, and listens, and listens some more. But then, Vero doesn't stop talking. And Christen tries to interrupt and place a word, just to agree even, but it always comes back to her.  
She's watching the clock ticking, and she's growing more frustrated by the minutes. So at one point, she just ends up spacing out. 

When they're done eating, Vero pays for them and on her end, seems pretty pleased with how their date went.  
But after a silent ride home, she may finally got the hint. 

"What's wrong Chris ?" she articulates.

"Nothing," Christen proceeds, parking the car, "Why ?" 

"Why the silence treatment if everything's good ?" Vero elaborates turning to Christen. 

"Well, didn't seem to bother you earlier." Christen states, anger building up inside. 

"What do you mean ?" Vero asks perplexed. 

"What courses am I taking this semester ?" Christen finally voices her frustration, crossing her arms. 

And when Vero only stares at her biting her lower lip, Christen goes on.

"Did I score a goal yet ? Who's my favorite teacher ? What did I do last weekend ?" Christen enumerates slowly.

"Maybe there would be less to catch up on," Vero says scowling, "If you actually answered my texts. Or calls, or facetimed when I asked you to." 

"I'm sorry, what ?" Christen stops in her track and turns to Vero. 

"How about you stop ditching me for your stupid friends when we're not in the same city ?" Vero fires back infuriated. 

"Get out of the car." Christen states grabbing the wheel of the car. 

"Chris…" Vero tries sorrowfully. 

"Out." Christen just orders. 

Vero painfully does so, and Christen starts the car again.  
Their first night. Their first date. And already their first fight. She didn't have the energy to get into that conversation with her girlfriend.  
Of course Christen hadn't had time to call all the time or whatever, she had just moved in. Was it so hard to understand ? To give her a short period of adaptation at least ?  
Obviously she couldn't call Kelley or Julie, so Christen drives to the only other support she can get. She remembers Tobin's words from last time and prays that the girl isn't busy.  
When she reaches her friend's house, she unlocks her phone and taps on Tobin's icon. 

"Hey ?" Tobin answers after a few seconds of ringing. 

"Hi, hum, I'm in front of your house." Christen stumbles over her words, feeling a bit dumb now that she was hearing the girl's sleepy voice. 

"What's wrong," Tobin sounds instantly more awake, "Are you okay ?" 

"Yeah yeah, sorry I shouldn't bother you," Christen withdraws, "I just had a fight with Vero, sorry, it's nothing."

"I'm coming down, hang on." Tobin hangs up before Christen can open her mouth. 

Two minutes later, she sees Tobin's lean silhouette jogging to the car. The girls is in an oversized nike sweatshirt, with her hood on her head, and slides into the passenger seat with a smile from ear to ear. 

"Were you asleep ?" Christen asks remorseful.

"Yeah we watched a crappy movie with Alex, but it's fine though." Tobin assures her, "I told you I was here." 

And when she looks into Tobin's sincere eyes, she feels comfortable. And it comes out easily. She tells the girl about their dinner, and their fight and how she wonders if it was always that way or if it was just tonight : Vero talking and Christen listening.  
Tobin doesn't interrupts her, she waits for Christen to end her sentences and then she takes part. She just observes Christen and nods along, and when she is done venting, Christen beholds Tobin. 

"Do you think I'm just a fickle person ? And I'm self-centered and I shouldn't have done that ?" she says, suddenly self-aware of sounding like a needy and whiny person in front of her. 

Her cheeks were starting to heat up. What was she thinking ? Complaining and offloading everything to Tobin. The girl who had so much more interesting things to think about, to worry about. And there she was, talking about insignificant concerns, as if a girl like her would care. 

"No, no" Tobin hastily mouths, "I mean, everybody would feel that way. Specially on your first date since a long time. Relationships are a two-way thing.." 

"But ?" Christen slowly continues after catching Tobin shifting uncomfortably. 

"Nothing," she tries to cope, "maybe we should talk about it tomorrow, it's kinda late and stuff.." 

"I wanna hear you." Christen insists. Because she really did want to. Tobin had been really close to her lately, and here to advise her. So she was dying to know what the girl was thinking. 

"Are you sure ?" Tobin bites her lower lip, eying her hands. 

"Yes." Christen delivers with determination. 

She doesn't take off her eyes from Tobin, until she meets the burning gaze of the brown-haired girl again. 

"Do you love her ?" she gets out. 

"Yes." Christen answers right away, without even thinking about it. 

"Why ?" Tobin asks, placid. 

"Excuse me ?" Christen articulates, taken aback.

"Why do you love her ?" Tobin reiterates, still wearing a challenging stare.

"Well, because she's caring, and funny, and generous, and protective..and.." Christen rushes. 

"You're just pinpointing qualities.." Tobin trails off calmly.

And Christen just looks at her in confusion, still holding her four fingers up.

"That you can find within a lot of people," Tobin states quietly, searching for something in Christen's eyes, "and probably combined with a whole lot of others that you girlfriend doesn't even have."

Christen is staggered. Why would Tobin say that ? Why would she completely invalidates her love for her girlfriend when she didn't know the first thing about her ? 

"You're just stating logical facts that would justify loving her," Tobin keeps pushing, "but love is not rational. It's not supposed to make sense, or to be vindicated by such superficial things as qualities.." 

And Christen breaks eye contact. 

"I heard enough." Christen turns her head, "I think."

"Christen." Tobin speaks, her voice full of regrets now, "You asked me." 

"Yeah I know," Christen avoids the other girl's gaze, "Thanks. And I'm sorry for bothering you tonight." 

Tobin just sighs, and haltingly opens the door of the car. 

"I'm sorry." she responds in a faint tone, "Text me when you get home ?" 

"Sure." Christen finally casts a glance at the girl.

As soon as Tobin closes the door, Christen starts driving again.  
How could Tobin give lessons to her, when she was probably the first to just sleep around and date without strings attached. How dare she talk to her about love, when she probably didn't even know anything about it.  
Of course she loved her girlfriend. Why would she still feel bad when fighting, or excited when she was coming if there wasn't anything between them ? 

When she gets home and goes straight to her room, Vero is sitting on her bed. She instantly jumps off. 

"Where were you ?!" she exclaims, "I was so worried." 

"I'm fine, I was with Tobin." she just offers as an explanation. 

"Listen Chris," Vero says, reaching for Christen's hand, "I'm sorry for saying that, I know you've been busy with your classes and stuff." 

"No no," Christen sighs, "I'm sorry for getting mad that easily and walking away."

"It's not your fault mi amor," Vero comes closer, "I monopolized the whole conversation, I was being selfish.. But I'll make it up to you, I swear." 

"It's fine Vero." Christen gives a small smile, "Let's go to bed..Please ?" 

And her girlfriend nods briefly before putting on her pajamas.  
After slipping in her loose shirt, she joins Christen, spooning her (Christen was always the spooned one). She kisses her cheek, and Christen could swear, it's the softest she has ever been given.  
So she wraps Vero's fingers in her own and conscientiously kisses them one by one. It instantly makes the other girl's lips travel to the pulse on her neck and Christen smirks to herself.  
The bedroom was actually where Christen took the lead. Always. She knew her girlfriend, what she liked, how she liked it..So in that area, she was definitely more confident and definitely commanding.  
So when she holds Vero's hand in her one, and guides it from her mouth to her throat, to her collar bone, slowly brushing over her breast before finally reaching her stomach, her girlfriend immediately tries to roll them over. But Christen blocks her.

"No." she whispers in a husky voice. 

And Vero releases a heavy gasp above her ear making her quiver for a second. But before Vero can recover from it, Christen slowly rubs her lower body against Vero's front and leads the girl's hand lower. It earns a quick response from her, who bites her earlobe softly, moving her hips to gain more pressure.  
And Christen is almost willing to give her what she wants, but this feels so much better. So instead of turning around and easing her girlfriend, she takes the warm palm of her hand and places it on her core, over her pantie and starts painfully slowly grinding it.

"Chris.." Vero begs at the contact, "Please stop."

Christen turns her head, allowing more access for Vero, who seizes the opportunity and licks her jawline. 

"Make me." Christen demands in a gravelly voice, closing her eyes.

 

***

 

The next morning, when Christen opens her eyes, she's alone in her bed. And when she glances at her alarm clock, she understands why.  
10:30 am. When was the last time she had slept in that late ?  
She slowly makes her way to the first floor, and as she gets closer, she distinguishes unusual voices. When she enters though, the voices stop. It's Alex and Tobin, sitting besides Vero.  
Her girlfriend immediately stands up and greets her with gentle peck on her lips. And Christen realizes that being comfortable with Vero in front of people is still something she has to work on. 

"Hey." she shyly delivers to the two girls. 

And she notices that the grin Tobin usually wear is nowhere to be found now. 

"Hi," Alex says, "We're going to the beach, and we came to ask you guys if you wanted to join, but.." 

"I told them we got a movie date already." Vero cuts her off, smiling, and bringing Christen closer by the hips. 

Christen ignores Tobin's lingering stare at the mention of her plans, and displays a small smile. 

"Yep, so we'll leave you two lovebirds here !" Alex states, standing up. 

And so they do, leaving Christen and Vero once again, getting ready for their escapade.  
Of course their date goes well. It doesn't involve much talking obviously..  
She pretends she loved the film on their way to the airport and just listens to Vero basically discussing the movie by herself. They exchange a few kisses and warm hugs, and with a 'miss you already", Christen leaves her girlfriend again. 

On her way back, she tries her best to keep Tobin's words out of her mind. But eventually, she can't anymore. Especially after today.  
_What if it wasn't love anymore, and just affection, attachment ? What if I only loved the feeling of being with someone and not actually her ?_  
And she felt terrible for thinking like that. But it didn't make her a better person to ignore it and just pretend that everything was alright. 

 

***

 

The next week passes in a hurry. Mostly because of classes and soccer. She has so much to do, to learn, that she has no time for nothing else than her notebooks and green fields.  
So on a Sunday night, she obviously is doing an assignment. A speech/comm one specially.  
And she wonders how's Tobin doing on this one. She hadn't really helped her since last time, and she hadn't really spoke to her actually. Christen was doing her best to avoid her, and after a few days, Tobin had seemed to understand her choice. They just exchanged polite 'Hey' when they had class together, and the inevitable talks being in the same team, but nothing deeper.

She knew she had been stupid to shut down Tobin that night, just because the truth was unpleasant. And she knew too, that she needed to apologize to the girl.  
But her words had opened a whole new world to Christen. Now she was facing what she had paid no mind to until then. And she couldn't let Tobin influences her in any way. She had to do this on her own, get in touch with her feelings, no matter how painful or disappointing they turned out to be. 

Apart from that, she didn't really know how to come back to Tobin after being this moody and unfair to her. Walking out of bad situation was something she had grown accustomed to. Whenever things didn't go as expected, Christen just chose silence and did anything to not deal with it. That's what she did with Julie. And breaking bad habits was clearly not that simple. 

 

***

 

On Thursday, she learns something that doesn't calm her nerves.  
Mark takes her aside at the end of practice. At first she thought it was just to check if she was feeling well in the team or something along the lines. But it's not. Instead, he tells her that she'll be a starter Sunday. And of course she's proud that her efforts paid off, but at the same time, she feels nervous. She had to be her best this game, otherwise all of that would have been useless. 

So she gets home in a rush to tell her roommates about it. Kelley always managed to calm her nerves. And especially since her mood reflected how perfect things were between her and Alex.  
When she enters the house though, there's a few more people in it. 

"She was totally hitting on you." she hears Kelley's laugh.

"No she wasn't." Tobin's cool tone reaches her ears. 

When she enters the living room, Kelley immediately turns her attention to her.  
"Hey what's up Pressi ?" she asks grinning, "Everything went well ?" 

"Yeah," Christen hides her smile, "Guess who earned her first starting spot though ?" 

"Oh my god !" Julie instantly grabs her. 

"Yayy !" Kelley puts her arms around the both of them, "Pretty Pressi finally getting what she deserves !"

When she turns her head, her eyes are drawn to Ali's huge smile. And then to another colgate smile, but she doesn't dawdle on this one. 

"That's really cool Christen." Alex finally says, sounding actually genuinely happy for her despite what it could mean for her own spot.

"Hey, you're starting too." Christen delivers. 

"Oh thank god." Alex immediately adds, resting her hand on her forehead dramatically. 

And they all burst into laughter at the girl's acting.  
Looking at them all, laughing, and just celebrating her work, Christen doesn't feel that anxious anymore.

 

***

 

On Saturday night though, when they arrive at their hotel, the pressure is back. And of course, just her luck, she has to room with Tobin. All of sudden she hates Mark's politic about having a good cohesion in the group and not rooming with the same people.  
What were the odds that their coach would chose this game, her first game as a starter, to assign roommates, seriously ?  
Tobin doesn't say anything, and just looks at her to gauge her reaction. So Christen just attempts to keep a neutral expression and gets to her room. 

She takes a short shower, and when she gets out, Tobin is already sprawled out in her bed, staring at her phone screen.  
So Christen just does the same. She gets comfortable in her sheets, and tries to focus on sleeping. 

The minutes pass by, and the light from Tobin's phone eventually disappears. Christen's mind wanders. And another set of minutes pass by. And Christen worries about tomorrow. She wonders if she has taken enough right-footed shots last time at practice. If she'll have enough sleep. She keeps gesticulating on her mattress, trying to find the perfect position. But every time, her insecurities come haunting her. So she shifts and tries to push it aside. And it's starting to drive her crazy. The room is dead silent but her thoughts are too noisy for her to fall asleep.

"Come here." a raspy voice echoes in the room. 

And Christen almost jerks up. She thought the girl would've been asleep by now. 

"What ?" she says hesitantly in a small voice. 

"Come here." Tobin just gently repeats. 

So Christen stands up, and she watches Tobin move back, leaving enough room for Christen. She slowly gets under the covers too scared to face Tobin.  
And now that she's so close to her, she feels safer, and tranquil. So she scoots back a little, trying to get closer to her friend. But Tobin moves back again. 

"Do you need more space ?" she whispers, putting her hand over Christen's body to feel how close she was from the edge of the mattress.

"No." Christen quietly speaks again. 

And she doesn't hear anything for a few seconds, so she tries again to huddle against her.

"Are you cold ?" Tobin breathes faintly.

"No." she just answers, and it takes all her courage to articulate this word. 

And when the almost inaudible syllable leaves Christen's lips, Tobin's arm finally comes in touch with her skin, trapping her in her embrace. This time, the girl softly encircles Christen's abdomen, immediately generating butterflies there.  
Christen is almost paralyzed, with Tobin pressed against her, an arm around her waist. But at the same time, she's the most relaxed she has ever been in a while.


	8. please, let things go back to normal with Tobin

Christen slowly comes to her senses a few hours later. The soft orange light of the morning filtering through the curtains, and the familiar scent hitting her at the same time. 

She leisurely gathers her thoughts, and finally recalls sleeping in Tobin's bed.   
And suddenly, she realizes that the girl is still there too. On her, precisely. Her blood runs cold when she becomes aware of their position.   
Christen is on her stomach, and Tobin is half on top her, her hand resting on her back, and her head on the same pillow. She can feel the girl's steady breath in her neck, giving her goose bumps, and she is glad that she's still asleep. Because what really freezes her, is Tobin's leg, tangled between her own, grazing lightly her core.   
And when she becomes fully cognizant of the contact, she realizes the worst part : she was obviously already aroused, despite her.   
So she quickly tries to get out of the bed, before the other girl wakes up.   
She attempts to free her right leg from beneath Tobin's one, but only ends up applying even more pressure and has to suppress a sob from the touch. 

And then the unthinkable happens. Tobin shifts slowly and stiffens in a second. Christen curses to herself for ever thinking this was a good idea to sleep here in the first place. Now she was going to make a fool of herself because a fucking knee had made her horny during the night.   
But then, she feels a short breath tickling her neck and now she knows she isn't the only one flustered.   
She feels Tobin slowly lifting herself up with her arms trying to untangle her leg from under Christen's left one. And this time Christen can't stop the whimper from escaping her mouth.   
Tobin freezes, not moving an inch and Christen bites her lower lip.   
She thinks the girl is about to push her off the bed for being such a creep, but then, Tobin repeats her previous move. And Christen can't help but push the other way to gain the much needed friction. 

"Chris.." Tobin gasps.

"Tobin.." Christen pleads in a husky voice.

And then she feels Tobin lowering herself again, bringing her face closer to her own.  
"Let me take care of you..?" she mutters, her warm breath caressing Christen's ear. 

And Christen's throat goes dry. So she just painfully nods. Immediately rocking her lower body against her leg again. Tobin lets her, maintaining her leg still, she tucks a strand of hair behind Christen's ear and leaves a tender kiss on her cheek.   
And she's the only person she wants kisses from, from now on. It's soft, and it's warm, and it's pillowy, and she just wants to feel those lips everywhere. It's almost as if Tobin can read her thoughts, because next thing, her lips are on her neck, sucking on a particular spot that Christen didn't even know about.   
And it all feels too much. She's on the edge of getting off just by rubbing herself on the girl's leg, grinding faster and faster, when strong hands come immobilizing her hips. 

"Please..Tobs…" Christen cries breathless. 

"I told you I would take care of you." Tobin states, her voice hoarse. 

And just when Christen is about to contest, she feels Tobin's fingertips slowly brushing behind her knee. Then on the back of her thigh. And finally barely caressing her inner thigh.   
At that point, Christen could literally come. Just like that. But it would be too satisfying for the other girl, so she bites her lip instead. 

"Are you going to let me do that ?" Tobin murmurs again. 

And Christen just nods, once again, not trusting her voice to answer in any other way.   
But Tobin's fingers skim over once more, to land on her stomach. And then slowly making their way up, while using her mouth to leave wet kisses alongside Christen's spine.   
And when she finally reaches her nipple with her fingers, and her lower back with her mouth, Christen bites her lip as hard as she can to prevent her groans to get out.  
But apparently, Tobin isn't fond of that behavior. Because then, she stops her actions again. 

"I want to hear you Chris." Tobin demands kissing her jawline, and then licking her chin.   
And in the middle of the frenzy of lust, Tobin stops and tilts her head to meet Christen's eyes.   
When Christen locks eyes with hers, they're not hungry, or filled with libido. Her stare is full of meaning, full of passion and Christen gets the message. Because it's the same for her. She means to do that. It's not a hormones-driven meaningless thing they're doing. It's them giving themselves to the other. Them, assuming their connection.  
She looks into those eyes and she just wishes she never has to look away again.   
But then, out of nowhere a loud sound of piano resonates in her head. 

Christen jerks up, sitting up straight in a millisecond. She stands still for a few seconds, before finally locating the noise. It was her alarm.   
_Okay so, I am not a cheater. I am not a cheater. Oh my god, what the fuck was that ?_ she finally breathes out.   
She calms herself down, before slowly getting out of Tobin's bed and heading to the bathroom.   
And the cold shower helps setting her head straight. She had just cuddled with Tobin for a few seconds and then drifting off to sleep. _Nothing wrong with that, right ?_ she asks herself.

When she meets the rest of the team for breakfast, she greets everyone at her table and Tobin is looking at her with a toothy smile. But Christen is too flushed to reciprocates, so instead she flashes a small smile and quickly diverts her attention.

 

*

 

The game is literally everything Christen hoped for. She gets an assist in the first half, a goal on the second and they win.   
She's basically on cloud 9, and on top of that, the team and Mark make her feel as the hero of the game.   
Everything is perfectly fine, and she happily goes back to her room to pack. Except that when she gets in, Tobin is already there and packing as well. And well she was too embarrassed from her fucked up brain, to talk or even interact normally with her. So instead she just turns around, ready to leave as fast as she arrived.   
But then a hand pushes the door closed from behind her. And when she turns around, Tobin is standing a bit too close. 

"Christen," Tobin says with sad eyes, "I'm sorry, why are you avoiding me ?" 

And when Tobin sees that she has all Christen's attention, she steps back. 

"I'm not," Christen tries to sound casual , laughing nervously, "we're fine !"

"If this is about the Vero thing still," Tobin rushes, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, I know you love her and.." 

"I don't." Christen cuts her off.

Tobin locks eyes with Christen and stands still, dumbfounded. 

"You don't ?" she asks confused. 

"No, not anymore." Christen tries to simplify, "But it's not about that." 

And Tobin tilts her head in complete bewilderment. 

"I had a dream last night." Christen says timidly.

"Oh my god Christen," Tobin answers dropping her arms to her sides, "I'm not responsible for hurting you in your dreams. You know it wasn't me, you can't be mad just because you imagine things." 

"Not that kind of dream." she speaks, looking nowhere but towards Tobin. 

"What kind then ?" Tobin asks perplexed. 

"You know, the other kind." Christen feels her cheeks growing hotter.

But Tobin just scratches her head looking all naive. So Christen decides to help her.

"You know, the explicit kind." Christen finally delivers gazing at her.

And then she watches Tobin's features change in realization as well as the color of her face. 

"Oh," she stutters, "well it happens you know ? Plus it's probably linked to Vero and stuff ?"

And Christen didn't know she could feel more embarrassed than 3 minutes ago, but here they were. 

"Yeah.." Christen trails off, "So I'll probably just go." 

"No no," Tobin awkwardly passes Christen, "I was gonna take a break anyway." 

"Oh okay." Christen smiles. 

Tobin reciprocates her smile, well more like a strained one really. And Christen holds back a chuckle.   
_Please, let things go back to normal with Tobin,_ was the only thing in her mind at this exact moment.


	9. now follow my lead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so I have the next chapters in mind, won't disappoint!
> 
> Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for taking time from their day to read my story. I really appreciate you following the fic even though I'm not as good as some people here. It really means a lot to me.  
> So thanks! :)
> 
> Enjoy!

"So when is Vero coming back ?" Kelley asks wriggling with excitement.

Christen was chilling with her two roommates on a Monday evening, finally enjoying not having assignments or quizzes the entire following week, when the freckled girl unleashed a wave of anxiousness in her.

"She was there literally a week ago ?" Christen retorts taken aback by Vero's popularity.

"Yeah, but we kinda liked her." Kelley justifies. 

"She's not coming back." Christen simply states, trying to avoid her roommies' eyes.

But apparently she won't get away that easily because Julie instantly smashes her laptop close, focusing on Christen. 

"What ?" Kelley furrows her eyebrows.

"Why ?" Julie adds another layer. 

"I'm going to break up with her." she offers shyly, her choice still scaring her.

"Oh my god," Julie sits closer to her, "what happened ?!" 

"Nothing, really." Christen explains, "Nothing special." 

She wasn't used to this. Discussing her choices about her relationship with Vero. All the time they dated, she always kept everything from her friends : their fights, their firsts and how each of these choices affected her. 

But she had done it with Tobin right ? So why would she'd be okay sharing with a girl she had just met, but not telling her childhood friends ?  
And suddenly she felt like she had to open up, had to tell them too.

"I just.." she struggles, figuring out where to begin.

She takes a few seconds to gather her thoughts before speaking again.

"She cheated on me, you know.." she starts off but gets interrupted right away.

"I'm gonna kill her," Kelley states with a creepy smile, standing up, "I'll be right back." 

"In freshman year, Kelley." Christen immediately calms her down. 

And when her smaller friend sits again, she pursues.

"With a teammate." Christen stares into space, "And you know, she didn't even gave me an explanation or anything." 

She had no trouble recollecting the story and sharing it out loud.  
Because she thought about it everyday. Everyday, in her mind, she was picturing her girlfriend, with another girl. Someone from their own team, someone they hang out with everyday. But what disgusted her more than that, was how she dealt with it. 

"But she just apologized and I took her back." Christen tightens her jaw, "The thought of breaking up or whatever didn't even cross my mind you know ?" 

Her friends are looking at her with sad expressions. And she can't blame them, she was pathetic. 

"You were in love Christen," Julie nicely offers with a soft smile, "Some couples are strong enough to get over this. It's not something you should be ashamed of.." 

"I felt like I deserved it," Christen lower her eyes, "But I didn't stay because I loved her. I stayed because leaving meant being alone and seeing them together all year long." 

She sighs, and drops her head hearing her own words. 

"What kind of person does that ?" Christen mumbles more to herself. 

"What kind of person cheats on their girlfriend Chris ?" Kelley catches her attention again patting reassuringly her thigh, "And then doesn't feel the need to even explain ?" 

And the smile Kelley is giving her instantly makes her heart warmer. After a small pause and absorbing her friend's words and sympathy, she uses her voice again. 

"So the point is," she takes a deep breath, "I can't stay with her just for the sake of not being alone. And even though I profoundly care about her, it's not love. I can't pretend I don't know that and use her to feel safer. It's not right. And she does not deserve this." 

The two girls faces slowly light up with proud smiles and with a tight hug, Christen definitely sets her mind. 

 

***

 

The next day, Christen wakes up feeling more nervous than ever. Vero kept texting her about how she was looking forward to see her this weekend and all the things they could do together.  
She had weighed her options : end their relationship today over the phone, or wait until Saturday. Because of course, they had to play against her team this specific weekend. And well, even though Christen wasn't delighted about it, she concluded she couldn't split up over the phone, it was too cowardly and unfair.  
She had let her know that she needed to talk to her when she'll be there though, and maybe that's what suddenly provoked all those suggestions Vero kept texting her.

 

Practice clears her mind a bit though. And when she gets back to the locker room, she feels lighter. 

"I didn't even touch you." Julie declares unbothered.

"Oh yeah ?" Kelley challenges her, "What is this then ?" 

"Oh my god it's 2 weeks old," Julie reacts at the sight of the girl's knee, "and it wasn't even me." 

Christen laughs at the two girls, pulling her left cleat off when she notices familiar calves stopping in front of them. Tobin is looking interestingly at something on her screen and Christen wonders why she's doing it there.  
But then, she sees Kelley bite her lower lip and her eyes go wide. And when she turns her head, she meets a stern look on the Tobin's face.

"Kell.." Tobin locks her phone.

"I'm sorry I totally forgot," Kelley rapidly says, closing her eyes, "It's Alex's fault not mine, I swear. She planned stuff and I can't say no.." 

"You forgot or Alex planned something ?" Tobin crosses her arms. 

"What's up ?" Christen saves her roommate, "What were you supposed to do ?"

"Go have a snack at her favorite place." Kelley gives in guiltily. 

And Christen almost feels offended, by Tobin not asking her. But they hadn't really talked since their last conversation at the hotel.  
The other girl was obviously still uncomfortable about Christen's confession. But it was funny to her. Well now anyway, as soon as she realized how Tobin's cheeks became rosy every time their eyes met at least. The charismatic and cocky Tobin flustered by a simple dream; was way too enjoyable.  
But as much as she was amused by her unfamiliar behavior, she already missed her. They had barely spoken those last weeks because of Christen's stupid old habits and when they had finally made up, she had to make it all awkward.  
So now, she was willing to make things right again with her. 

"I'll go," Christen smiles at Tobin, "If that's the place with the famous muffins, I'll come."

And Tobin's eyes finally linger on her for more than 2 seconds. 

"Yeah, that's the place." she softly directs at her, and a grin forms on her lips. 

The ride is pretty calm, music playing softly on the background, not too loud, but just enough, and the street lightning is shaping shadows on the other girl's face.  
It's not uncomfortable, or awkward. On the contrary, it's more like she can finally relax again and just be herself with no worries whatsoever.  
When they arrive, they're greeted by a tall blond waitress, with a gorgeous smile.

"Hi Tobin." she offers kindly.

"Hey Emma." Tobin answers with a warm smile. 

Tobin then leads her to her "accredited table" apparently, and Christen is glad it's an old school padded seat because after a 2 hours training, she couldn't handle a simple chair.  
They sit across from each other and Tobin immediately lets out a content sigh. 

It's not a fancy place, that's for sure. But it has its charm, and despite the retro ambiance, she could tell that the restaurant was quite new.  
She is examining her surroundings when she notices Tobin staring at her. 

"You're not looking at the menu ?" Tobin asks amused. 

"I don't know," Christen contemplates, "What would you recommend me ?" 

"Well, I'm not that hungry so I'll just have a pizza," Tobin beams, "but they're pretty good so.." 

"Okay, I'll have one too then." Christen chuckles at the girl. Sometimes she felt like Tobin was completely oblivious to how funny her demeanor actually was. 

The girl named Emma takes their order a few minutes later, and Christen feels a bit self conscious next to her. She really was something. And the cajoling smile displayed on her face led her to believe that she wasn't insensitive to Tobin. Maybe that's why she talks a few seconds with Tobin, asking her how practice went and stuff. And Christen almost feels like she's third wheeling, but then she glances at Tobin and the girl is just casually answering and gazing back to Christen between every phrase she articulates. And as soon as the waitress leaves, she tries her best to dissimulate her discomfort.

"So, I can see why you like it here." Christen states, letting out a nervous laugh. 

"Right ?!" Tobin's smile widens, "It's so comfy and calm in here. Wait until you taste the food though." 

"Yes that too," Christen clarifies, "But I meant, Emma..?" 

Tobin face quickly shifts at the realization and Christen watches her roll her eyes. 

"Oh not you too." she tilts her head. 

"What ?" Christen smiles at the cute gesture, "She looks like she really likes you." 

"I guess she does." Tobin gives away promptly peering at her. 

"But you don't ?" Christen tries. 

"She's nice and everything," Tobin shrugs, "But I don't know." 

"Is it because you don't date ?" Christen retorts, genuinely interested in the answer. 

"What do you mean I don't date ?" Tobin asks with an amused lopsided smile. 

"Well you told us you were a Joey last time," Christen explains, "right before I told you guys I liked girls, remember ?" 

Tobin moves uncomfortably in her seat and awkwardly grabs a napkin on the table. 

"It's just that I haven't dated for a while," Tobin declares slowly, "But it's only because I haven't found the right girl that's all. If I like someone I won't be like 'oh my god I don't date so we can't be together', that's just stupid. And for the record, no I don't sleep around with random girls."

"What's wrong with this girl then ?" Christen wonders, finding some kind of comfort in the girl's words. 

"She's nice but I don't feel anything special around her." Tobin simply states, and then her brown eyes meets Christen's again. 

Christen was quite surprised by the response she was getting. To be honest, she would have expected something else from a girl who could have anyone anytime.  
But now that she remembered their conversation the night she had a fight with Vero, she recalled Tobin's words about how love should feel like. It almost felt like the girl was actually a romantic after all. And she was feeling like an idiot, once again, for assuming stupid things about Tobin. 

"Plus, Kelley won't stop pushing me into her," Tobin smiles gently, "And that makes me even more sure that nothing will ever happen with her." 

"I'm sorry for asking so much questions about it," Christen bites her top lip, "I didn't mean to force you or to make you feel embarrassed." 

"No it's fine." Tobin says smoothly, "At least you didn't ask if I had 'boys problems' again." 

Christen instantly throws her napkin rolled into a ball to get rid of the smug grin on the girl's face. 

"I was trying to be nice," Christen defends herself, "and not assume and hurt your feelings." 

"Oh come on !" Tobin cracks up laughing. And even though Christen is more embarrassed than amused, it's an infectious sound and she can't help but join the girl. 

"Well at least I didn't choke on my drink when I learned that you liked girls." Christen dares back. 

Tobin slowly regains composure before speaking again. 

"To be fair, it was more obvious for me than it was for you." Tobin states easily, eyes still crinkling. 

"Oh ?" Christen asks entertained, leaning back in her seat and crossing her arms, "Why is that ?" 

"Because it was like, too good to be true." she replies, wiping off the tears in her eyes from laughing. 

And that makes Christen's smile vanish in an instant. But then Tobin opens her mouth again. 

"And plus, I thought you would have succumbed to Kelley's charm if you actually were." Tobin teases her.

"Hum, not my type." Christen tries to play along with a witty response.

"Yeah.." Tobin hides a smile, "Too tall, I know.." 

"Right, sorry." Christen chuckles, "Because Shirley really is one tall woman." 

"Got me there." Tobin grins from ear to ear, raising both hands in defense. 

 

Turns out that the pizza really is delicious. At first she had some doubts because Tobin could literally eat everything, so the girl saying this was the restaurant served the best food didn't really reassured her. But now that there was only a quarter left of her pizza, she understood.  
She was already full, but not Tobin apparently. The girl had the last slice of her pizza in her hand and a napkin folded in the other. She looked like a child, pleased with herself and it makes Christen smiles a bit.

"Hey, can I ask you something ?" Christen utters. 

"Yeah sure." Tobin answers, wiping her mouth. 

"Why did you break up with her ?" she asks softly, scared to push her once again. 

Tobin takes a few seconds to clean her greasy fingers and then drops the fabric on the table.

"Well, we dated on and off for 2 years," Tobin reveals, "And it's tiring you know ? I was always the one putting effort in this relationship for it to work. But she did what she wanted, when she wanted and every time she came back around, expected me to be there. But at one point I couldn't because I spent my time waiting for her, and not knowing what she was doing in the meantime. So I ended it." 

Tobin just shrugs nonchalantly and Christen just wants to hug her. And even though it's clear that it's still a bit painful for the girl, she looks like she has healed. Like she is talking about it with a certain hindsight. 

"I'm sorry you had to go through this.." she offers gently. 

"Yeah, it sucks." Tobin gives a faint smile clearly trying to hide the hurt, "But it's my fault too.. You can't be mad when someone, just being themselves doesn't meet your own expectations. You can't force them to change for your own good." 

"Of course you can Tobin..?" Christen immediately disagrees, "When someone commits to you, decides to mean something to you, and be close to you, of course you can be disappointed. If you choose to be there for someone you take a responsibility. And you shouldn't justify those behaviors Tobin. She hurt you and you have every right to be angry." 

And now she was the one angry. How could Tobin blame herself ? It was beyond her abilities to understand. But maybe she went too far because the girl across from her isn't moving and her starry eyes make Christen want to take it all back. 

"I wish I had met you sooner." Tobin articulates firmly and holds her gaze.  
But Christen has barely time to register the words coming out of the girl's lips because Emma makes an appearance again. 

"There you go," the blond haired girl smiles, "A muffin and a cookie. It's on the house." 

And with a wink, she is gone again. And so is the moment she was having with Tobin. The girl is drooling over her dessert, completely captured by the pastry.  
Christen wants to know what she meant, and she wants to know more about Shirley, but she can't anymore. Thanks to their lovely waitress. 

"Hey, do you want to eat that on our way back," Tobin asks carefully, "it's getting pretty late." 

"Yeah sure." Christen gives her an effortless smile. 

Tobin pays for them both despite Christen's attempt to split the check.  
They get in the car and Christen feels good. And this time the ride isn't as calm though. She had a great time with the girl despite the painful confessions Tobin told her. Because now she feels so much closer to her, even more comfortable around her.  
She ate well, she got to get a glimpse of Tobin's life, slumped against the car door, she feels almost ecstatic and maybe that's why she has a stupid grin that she tries to hide and sparks in her eyes. 

 

"So you don't have to answer that," Tobin quietly gets out, "but you said you didn't love Vero ?"

Christen is looking at the girl's profile, caressed by the reassuring light of the moon. And it feels so easy to talk to her. 

"Yeah, I tried hard to convince myself I did," she directs at Tobin, "But I didn't. And I kept up with a lot of crap just to persuade myself I did. It's funny I talked about that and how she cheated on me with JJ and Kell just yesterday." 

"Oh really ?" Tobin says, shock evident in her tone, "What stupid motive did she give you ?" 

"She didn't give one." Christen lets out a small laugh. She watches Tobin's long lean fingers grip the wheel and make it turn. 

"Ouch," Tobin casts her a knowing sideway glance, "Shirley said she was tired of the routine." 

"And what did you say ?" Christen bites down an amused smile.

"I told her," Tobin articulates in a funny voice, "Man, when you're tired of the routine you diversify your activities not the person you sleep with you know ?" 

And Christen can't help but laugh heartily at the girl mimics. Apparently it encourages Tobin to continue because she takes an even weirder accent now and moves her right hand around as if to make a point. 

"I was like, pick another flavor of ice cream at the supermarket, don't cheat on me, right ?!"

And the broad smile plastered on the girl's face makes it even better. 

"Oh wait I love this song !" Tobin almost shouts, turning up the volume. 

It's only the firsts seconds of **Under your spell** by **Desire** but the girl has already recognized it.

"Wow you must really love this one." Christen mocks her. 

"It's a great song." Tobin fakes an angry expression and then slowly moves her shoulder on rhythm. 

"Well, that's kinda different from Chance the Rapper." Christen bursts into laughter at the girl's motion. 

"Guess someone's familiar with the concept of stalking." Tobin flashes her her best smile before turning to face the road again. 

"Shut up." Christen rolls her eyes, not able to suppress the smile playing on her lips. 

"Now follow my lead." she orders her, wiggling her shoulders. 

And Christen's stomach hurts now, because it's ridiculous. Really, the way she's moving, is a poor attempt to dance in rhythm. 

 

A few fits of laughter later, they reach Christen's house. 

"So thanks for not making me look like a loser eating alone." she stops in front of the building. 

"Thanks for dinner," Christen answers politely, and she can't help but quirks her lips up, "And anytime Tobin. Anytime." 

 

She gets ready for bed, brushes her teeth, and tries to keep her thoughts on the night she just spent rather than the hard stuff she'll have to do in a couple of days. 

When she grabs her laptop to turn it off though, she is surprised to see Tobin listening to a familiar song : **Girl**. Laying in bed, it brings her back to the night they first met. And Christen wonders if she knew the song from before or from that night. It was again a big question mark for Christen. How Tobin did some things and Christen couldn't tell if it was on purpose or not. How Tobin always blurted out things so bluntly and yet Christen could never make sense out of it.  
She would place little sentences here and there, between two jokes and every time it left Christen pretty much speechless. Because she never knew when it was coming and it was always gone in an instant. 

Maybe that's just how the girl was : spontaneously throwing random words sometimes at everyone. But it was too late and Christen had too much in mind to figure her out right now. So at 11pm, she just closes her computer and her eyes.

 

*

On Friday night, when Christen tells Vero that they should split up, the Spanish girl takes it surprisingly well.

"Yes, I think you're probably right." Vero hesitates. 

"You do ?" Christen asks carefully. 

"Yeah, I mean, I get it." the smaller girl assures her, "I think we tried our best but there's a lot that can't be fixed." 

She expected tears and words full of rage, but all that she gets is a warm smile and a comprehensive gaze. And so with a hug heavy with history, Vero gets out of Christen's car. 

On her side, she doesn't move for a couple of minutes though. She couldn't believe that doing it would be so easy and so freeing. And she feels bad for thinking that way, but she just wished she had done it sooner.  
She takes a deep breath, and starts her engine.  
Tonight was supposed to be a sleepover night. She, Julie and Kelley had been invited to spend the night at Alex's to go to the game together the day after. 

 

When she enters the house, in a good mood after her almost flawless breakup, something lower her high spirits right away.  
Through the glass of the kitchen, she catches a glimpse of Tobin holding a spoon. But when she tilts her head to get a better insight of the girl's cooking skills, she sees the end of the spoon. In Emma's mouth. Tobin is loosely grasping the cutlery, clearly busy looking for something in the top drawer but the girl tasting the sauce isn't. And the look on her face tells Christen that she'd like to get the girl's attention. Which she does, moving her hand on Tobin's to "hold" the silverware still. 

"Oh my.." Kelley's defeated voice coming out of the living room scares her "Didn't go well ?"

"Went perfectly well." she answers quickly, and it comes out harsher than expected. 

At that, Tobin turns her head but Christen's eyes don't dawdle long enough on her to see her reaction. She immediately joins the other girls and apparently it was about time because they're all ready to hear the juicy details. 

"So, how did she take it ?" Ali starts the festivities. 

"Well, she kind of agreed that it was a good decision. And I was not expecting that but.. Who's complaining, right ? " Christen tells her. 

"But I mean," Alex joins the conversation, "she did understood you, right ? Like, she was conscious..?" 

"Alex come on." JJ laughs along with their other teammates. 

"What ?" Alex almost screams, "I mean I would be a bit pissed. Kelley, don't you pull a Christen on me."

Kelley rolls her eyes and opens her mouth to protest, but then something else catches her attention. 

"Hey," she directs at the girl standing against the doorframe, "look who's done with her little date." 

They all follow the freckled girl's gaze and soon Christen eyes fall on Tobin.  
But instead of answering or even looking at Kelley, the girl is wearing an unreadable expression and her eyes are anchored in Christen's. She is starting to feel uncomfortable, with everyone waiting for Tobin to answer. So she just forces a smile out, hoping it'll detach her from Tobin's burning gaze.  
And it apparently works because the girl diverts her eyes to Kelley.

"I know that you mean well Kelley," she deadpans, "but don't ever do that again."

It leaves half of the girls, including Christen, confused. But judging by Kelley's face, she knows damn well what her friend means. The tension is palpable and Christen basically just wants to escape out of the room. But then Tobin speaks again, erasing the awkward atmosphere as quickly as it appeared. 

"Dinner is ready though." she offers with a small smile, "Ladies ?" 

As dinner goes on, the tension slowly dissipates. And when Tobin and Kelley come back after their little talk, they're all back at laughing and teasing each other. 

"So…" Julie stands up, "Shotgun on Ashlyn's room." 

"Yeah right," Kelley devilishly smiles, "Cause we know where this one is sleeping tonight." 

"And we know damn right who'll be sleeping in Alex's room too." Ali wiggles her eyebrows. 

"What ?" Christen picks up on the situation, "So that means I get the couch ?" 

"No that means you get my bedroom." Tobin flashes her a bright smile from the other end of the room. 

And Christen instantly tries her best to maintain an unbothered expression on her face. Because truth was, she didn't want to be alone with the girl.  
She wasn't mad at her, or anything. But it just weirded her out that Tobin could change her mind that rapidly. The night before she was assuring her that the waitress was way out of the table and now she was cooking with her, in her house. She could date anyone she wanted of course, that wasn't the point. The point was that Tobin reeled off a whole lot of crap to her. 

So when Ashlyn and Ali leave, and the girls go to their respective bedrooms, she prays that she won't have to face Tobin alone.  
But of course she does. 

"You know my sheets are clean," Tobin states from her doorframe, "I washed them on purpose."

"I know I know." Christen offers a faint smile, getting out her pajamas. 

"So why the face ?" she crosses her arms. 

"What face ?" she defends herself, "It's my tired face." 

And then with a forced smile, she gestures to the bathroom in the hallway, indicating she's going to change. She brushes her teeth, her hair and get ready for bed, thinking that it wasn't that painful and that she managed pretty well the confrontation. 

But when she gets back to the room, Tobin is still there, sitting on her bed. It takes Christen aback, and she doesn't know how to act, so she just busies herself with something in her bag. It was her room after all, she couldn't chuck her out of her own space right ?

"You know Kelley planned that," Tobin almost murmurs, "I didn't ask Emma to come over or whatever." 

"Tobin, you don't owe me any explanation, you know?" Christen lies.

"Good then," Tobin instantly answers, "'Cause we're dating." 

"'Cause you're dating ?" Christen turns around astonished. 

She finds a Tobin sitting in the languid way she always sits, wearing a wry smile. 

"You were saying ?" she questions her, "You don't need an explanation, right?" 

"I mean, I was just surprised to see her earlier." she admits, embarrassed by her immediate reaction, "I didn't mean to spy on you. I just came in and saw you." 

"Kelley told her to come over." Tobin stands up, "And she made sure only I was at the house. But it wasn't a date or anything. She just helped me with the food." 

"You don't owe me anything. Really. I mean I believe you but it could have been if you wanted to." Christen hastens to answer, "I won't judge you for it." 

"I know," Tobin slowly says, "but I told you yesterday how I felt about her. I didn't lie about that. And I didn't lie about the other stuff either."

"Okay Tobin." Christen gently offers. Because she knows. She knows that Kelley is pretty tenacious when she's got something in her mind. And she knows that Tobin told her nothing but the truth since the start, even when it was tougher to be honest. 

"I wouldn't want you to think I'm some talker or I don't know.." she lets out a nervous laugh. 

"I know you're not." she gives her a reassuring smile. 

"Because I told you, I mean everything I say.." Tobin utters quietly. 

"I know." Christen tries to ease her worries and make her understand that she trusts her, "Plus you wouldn't have warned Kelley afterwards like that if it wasn't true right ?" 

"Oh my god, I know.." Tobin hides her face, "I apologized after though." 

"Poor girl was scared for her life for a minute." Christen laughs. 

"Man," Tobin keeps her hands on her face, "It's just… I just felt like an asshole and all of you were staring at me. I felt so stupid. So I just got a bit carried away." 

"Oh my god, the superstar Tobin Heath had stage fright ?" Christen teases her, "I thought you were used to the spotlights and everything ?"

"Ha ha," Tobin retorts her words still muffled by her hands, "You can't see, but I'm actually dying from laughter here." 

"Oh yeah ? Let me see that." Christen grabs the girl's hands and can't prevent her smile to reach her ears. 

"So you're not mad anymore ?" Tobin finally asks, her blushed face perceptible now. 

"I wasn't and I'm not." Christen raises her brows innocently. 

"Phew, saved !" Tobin's Colgate smile is back, "Only took a public humiliation and a more intimate one here." 

"Oh shut up," Christen lightly punches her arm, "Come here." 

And without even thinking, Christen goes straight into the other girls arms, wrapping her limbs around Tobin's midsection. 

She doesn't know why she does so; maybe it's because she had held back so many times before, maybe it's because she had missed being around her lately, or maybe it's just because she is glad the girl had been honest with her. But it doesn't matter because it comes out at this precise moment and it's almost as her body acts without her own permission. 

So, there she was, feeling like a 6 years old hugging a huge teddy bear. Because yes, a few seconds later, Tobin was still unmoving.  
And so she's about to loosen her grasp, thinking she had her fair share of embarrassment already, but then she feels one arm wrap her neck, pulling her in even more, and another one around shoulders.  
And suddenly her whole body relax in Tobin's strong hold. It's tight, but warm. It's firm but so gentle. And it's all Christen imagined it to be. It makes her internally slaps herself for not doing it weeks earlier. Because she just feels like she's where she's supposed to be, her face in the girl's neck, unintentionally inhaling Tobin's scent. And maybe she isn't the only one feeling it because then Tobin just slightly ducks her head into Christen's hair and lets out a small sigh.

They stay like that for a few seconds, appreciating the intimacy of the embrace with much more meaning than a simple hug; Tobin hesitantly skimming over Christen's back a few times, before finally separating themselves. 

And even though her cheeks are burning from doing what she did, she's glad she's brought herself to do it. Because when she has the courage to look back into amber eyes, she sees the sweetest expression on Tobin's features. The girl seems as flustered as her and after standing in her spot, staring at Christen with a dreamy smile, she hastily blurts out "goodnight" and finally leaves the room. 

But only a few minutes later, she hears her phone buzzing. And the smile it brings on her lips is another level of happy. 

**Tobin : double humiliation ? totally worth it :)**

When she pulls the cover of the girl's bed, she notices a blue sweater and she wonders if her owner left it here on purpose again. But whether it's intentional or not, Christen leaves it. 

 

***

 

The next morning, when Christen wakes up, she doesn't feel nervous about the game at all. She slowly gets ready, putting on the usual pregame outfit, and then heads downstairs.  
Everybody is gathered in the kitchen, making small talk and getting their much needed dose of caffeine. 

But when she walks past the living room, she spots Tobin, on a couch that seems too small for her. And she feels bad for taking her bed at first, but judging by the overly sweet expression on the girl's face, maybe it doesn't bother her that much.  
That peaceful little bubble doesn't last long though, because next Kelley runs from the kitchen, and jumps on Tobin's back. 

"Wake up Toby !" she yells in the no longer asleep girl's ear.

The girl beneath her just pulls the covers above her head with a low groan. But when Kelley insists and clings to her, Tobin has no choice but to relent and stand up with the girl on her back. 

"Oh my god," Alex reacts to the scene, "You're going to break her back, get off Kelley !"

Tobin just rubs her eyes sleepily, her hair messy and Christen tries to ignore how adorable the view is. 

"It's fine dude." Tobin's gravelly voice echoes, "You're really the human version of a squirrel though." 

"Yes, but I'm her squirrel." the small girl let go of her hold and jumps on Alex. 

"Yeah, no doubt about it." Alex declares proudly. 

 

Maybe it's because Christen slept well, maybe it's because her talk with Vero went well, but whatever it is, it definitely helps her perform the best game of the season so far.  
Indeed, she scores two goals and gets Alex an assist. But it's not juts about her, it's about the whole team feeling connected and finally producing the best game they can together as a group.  
So when Lauren tells them that they're going out to celebrate, how could Christen say no ?

They end up in a bar near campus, which is apparently well known by the Stanford students and Christen doesn't regret coming at all. The place is full of life, and the music roaring tells her that they have pretty good taste in that field too. The only thing she has yet to rate is their beverage.  
The team sits down at a table in the back of the place savoring the details of their victory when Tobin draws her attention. 

"So how did you like my assist ?" Tobin cockily winks at her.

"Hm, it was alright," Christen arches an eyebrow, "but I don't know if that pass would have been an assist if it weren't for my supersonic speed." 

"Oh yeah ?" Tobin angles her body towards her, "I'll make sure to pass my perfect ball to Alex next time then." 

"That's really sweet thanks Tobin." Alex interrupts them, craning her head up. 

And Tobin's perfect toothy smile appears once again. 

"Chris, come on let's get the party started !" JJ reaches from across the table. 

Christen knows what it means : a night of hectic dancing. So of course she immediately stands up, drawing along the braver ones of the team. 

They dance for a good 20 minutes, and Christen feels like she can't get happier. Here, with the people she loves, just moving at the rhythm of good songs..It all feels like a music video to her; like she's moving in slow motion, just singing her heart out along and recognizing the same frenzy in JJ's and Kelley's eyes. It's perfect, really, the way she feels finally free and is able to have fun without an ounce of brake. No afterthought swirling around in her mind threatening to ruin Christen's night.  
And all of that euphoria only because she didn't have to censor herself or pretend. Because when you're just being you, nothing bad can happen to you, nothing can prevent you from simply being in the moment. 

So when she finally lowers her head and gazes in front of her, she feels the need to share her bliss or else she might explode. 

That's when her attention is pulled towards one particular teammate. Their eyes lock immediately, and she wonders for how long the girl with chestnut wavy hair has been staring at her.  
Tobin is still sitting at their table, but she has company though. A brunette is talking to her and agitating her hands vigorously around her. But she doesn't seem one bit interested in the words coming out of the stranger's mouth. Instead, she sips on her drink and doesn't detach her eyes from Christen.  
And for once, she doesn't feel self-conscious under Tobin's smoldering gaze. So she doesn't let the sweaty dancing figures, or the dazzling lights break the staring contest. And the more she gets closer, the more she can appreciate the tender smile on the girl's face.  
When she comes to a stop in front of Tobin, who is looking up at her, the girl besides her abruptly ends her little monologue. 

"Hey, what are you doing there ?" Christen asks Tobin. 

"Nothing, I was just chatting with.." she turns her head to the side, "with..huh." 

And at that stuttering, the stranger apparently named Huh, stands up and leaves with a deathly glare.

"Seems like a fascinating conversation you two had." Christen comments with a playful smile, "So, are you planning on watching people dance all night or are you actually going to stand up ?" 

"The latter one I think." Tobin lets out a small chuckle. 

"Oh yeah what happened to the moves you showed me in the car last time ?" Christen wriggling her eyebrows suggestively. 

"Well you were lucky enough to witness the magic dance." Tobin raises a finger, "But, won't happen again."

"Come on Toby." Christen whines. 

"Oh my god Christen, not you too please." Tobin pleads, joining her hands. 

"Come on Toby." Christen reiterates smiling brightly at her.

And when Tobin is about to protest again, she takes the girl's hands in her own obliging her to get off her seat.  
She leads the girl to the dancing area, walking backwards slowly and Tobin is no longer grudging and follows Christen biting her bottom lip to prevent a smile. 

When Christen starts swinging their hands from left to right, like two kids, Tobin's grin spreads out and reaches her ears. And she's about to tease the girl, when she watches Tobin's eyes move away from her to something behind her. But before she can follow the girl's gaze, she witnesses Vero coming from her right, a glass full of liquor in her hands. And before she has time to process, she sees the girl emptying its content on Tobin in a swift move. 

"That's why you're fucking leaving me Christen ?" the small girl yells directly at Christen, not caring about the drenched girl anymore.

"What the f…." Tobin mouths, eyes wide open unfurling her arms. 

"You're leaving me for a fucking loser ?" Vero begins to push Christen backwards, "You cheated on me didn't you ?" 

Christen is just frightened by the look on her ex girlfriend's face. Who keeps hysterically throwing words at her. And Christen wouldn't even have time to answer if her mind wasn't blank. 

"You're just a whore !" Vero keeps talking, "You know you're nothing without me."

But then Tobin steps in, her shirt still completely soaked. And judging by her face, she looks like she's about to crush the raging girl. But instead. 

"Don't put another finger on her." Tobin calmly states, positioning herself in front of Christen. 

"Or what ?" Vero comes closer to the taller girl. And Christen immediately knows that the Spanish girl has had too much to drink and that it's the alcohol talking.  
That's why she's more than worried about where this was going, and she prays things won't degenerate.  
Talking with a drunken Vero won't go anywhere, so Christen pulls Tobin's arm, hoping to go. But the girl doesn't move an inch. Instead, she stays glued to her spot, jaw clenched, maintaining Vero's challenging stare. 

That's when she's grateful to see Kelley, Alex and her other teammates catching up on the situation and running towards them. 

"When you'll come back crawling to me, I won't be there to pick up the pieces of your pathetic ass." she spits at Christen above Tobin's shoulder. 

And Christen is about to snap when Tobin reacts before her. 

"Now, I think you should go." Tobin gives the girl a light shove. 

But with the amount of alcohol the girl probably had, it's enough to make her loose her balance a bit. And when she regains her steady grip on the ground, she looks like she's ready to fight Tobin. And that's exactly what she does, she jumps on the girl and it all happen fast that when Christen realizes what's unwinding, her teammates are already trying to separate the girls.  
It's a mess really, girls from both teams pulling on their respective friend, trying to break them apart. When they do, Alex directly leads Tobin towards the exit and her ex-teammates drag their captain to the opposite side of the room. 

"Chris, I'm sorry," Alyssa appears all of a sudden, "I don't know why she did that. I'm so sorry." 

"Alyssa ?" Christen snaps out of her daze, "It's… It's not your fault…" she manages. 

"Listen, I have to check on her," the goalkeeper offers her more gently, "But call me, okay ?" 

Christen is still stunned but she commits to do so, and gives her old friend a light hug.  
And of course she means to catch up with the other girl and a million questions are rushing in her mind, but the only thing she can focus on is to find Tobin. Chiding herself for the turn the night took, she has to check if the girl is okay.  
When she turns to Kelley still on her side, she hurries to ask. 

"Where's Tobin?" 

"Alex took her home," Kelley places her hands on Christen's cheeks, "Are you okay ? Are you hurt ?" 

"No no, I'm fine Kell." she quickly reassures her, "I just need to find her." 

And with that, she jogs the way back to her car. She pulls up in the driveway of the girl's house and rushes through the house. She doesn't bother Alex in the kitchen, instantly heading to Tobin's bedroom.  
When she gets into the room, she spots the girl laying on her back, legs hanging off her bed. 

"Tobin, are you okay ?" she urges. 

But she doesn't get any response.  
She reiterates her question which goes unanswered one more time getting closer to the girl's bed.

"Tobs, are you okay ?" and when she finally stops in front of the girl still in her dripping shirt, she understands why. 

The girl is gazing at her, brows knit together, with her earphones on. Christen puts her hands on her hips and slowly tries to catch her breath.

"Tobin !" she aims at the girl. 

But instead of answering, Tobin reaches for Christen's hand and pulls her down on the bed besides her.  
She watches her taking off one earphone and handing it to Christen. So she puts it in her left ear, allowing the sound of **Stars** by **The xx** to echo in her ear. Tobin's hand brushes slowly past her own, and the slightest amount of skin is touching now.  
But after a couple beat of the song, Christen needs to hear from the girl's mouth that she is fine. So with her right hand, she takes her own and then Tobin's earphone off. At that, Tobin detaches her eyes from the ceiling and cocks her head to Christen. And Christen's breath instantly gets caught in her throat at the new proximity.

"Tobin ?" Christen speaks, her voice barely inaudible, "Are you okay ?" 

Tobin slowly moves her index grazing the back of her hand before muttering equally as low as Christen.

"Yeah I'm fine. Are you ?" she coos.

"Thank you." she just states. 

"I know you probably didn't need me to.." she softly pronounces, "but I couldn't stand and just listen to all the crap she was saying."

"I'm sorry she jumped on you, and ruined your shirt and everything." Christen delivers, guiltiness creeping back. 

"I don't care Chris, did you hear me?" Tobin's stare deepens, "That was crap. None of it was true. You know that right ?" 

"Yes, I do." Christen closes her eyes for a second. 

And when she opens them again, she meets the most caring look she has ever been given. 

"And you know too that I would have crushed her if I had wanted to ?" she lets out a content laugh. 

And Christen chuckles along, until the sound coming from the girl's mouth attracts her eyes to her lips. Because she notices a red mark on the bottom one. 

"What's that ?" she breathes.

"Someone's hand hit me when they were separating us," Tobin hoarsely explains softening the spot with the tip of her tongue, "But I'm pretty positive it wasn't Vero's though."

But Christen isn't even listening. And maybe it's because she wants the scratch to disappear, or maybe it's because she desperately wants to know how it feels, but she does it anyway.  
Despite her, she proceeds to place her thumb on Tobin's lower lip and slowly traces the redden area.She watches Tobin's chest freeze at the contact. So she meets the girl's dark brown eyes to recognize both shock and determination in them. And it immediately paralyzes her limbs. But then the girl closes her eyelids, breaking the intense gaze. And she feels Tobin's calloused hand gently grabbing her unmoving wrist, and placing a lagging kiss on her finger. 

This, this simple gesture, sparks something in the pit of her stomach and inevitably pushes her to lean forward. She nudges the tip of Tobin's nose with her own, slowly resting her forehead on Tobin's for moment.  
It was like feeling something indefinable one time, and then feeling it again after spending your whole life trying to relive it. As if, she finally found back something she had missed forever. And when Tobin releases a faint sob, she knows that she's feeling it too.  
The girl slowly caresses the bridge of Christen's nose, and then leans in, her lips ghosting over Christen's. And at this point Christen basically can feel her heartbeat in her throat, feeling the girl's warm breath tickling her senses. But just when she's about to get satiated by the girl's lips on hers, a loud bang rings out in the whole house.  
Christen straightens up at the loud door slamming followed by a bunch of familiar voices. It's the second time a moment with Tobin is stolen away from her. And this time, a way more important one.  
She knows that because when she glances in Tobin's direction, the girl still has her eyes closed.


	10. thank you for being you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW death mention. 
> 
>  
> 
> If you're reading this, you're patient as fuck!  
> No, but really, sorry for the wait. College and stuff you know.....
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think! :)
> 
> Enjoy!

Two weeks had passed since that night, and Christen thought she was still as confused as the day after it happened. 

And she needs to get it out of her chest. Of course she does. But she doesn't know how to casually slip it into a conversation. So on Monday, when their last class ends and her and Julie walk back home together, she tries to think of a way to bring it up.  
For a solid 5 minutes, she really strives to formulate her troubles out lout.. But it's stuck in the back of her throat and she seems condemned to keep it all inside.

"What are you racking your brains about Chris ?" Julie stops in her tracks. 

"What ?" Christen turns around, a couple of steps ahead of the blond haired girl. 

"I can see there's something bothering you," Julie simply states, "Given how hard you've been trying to communicate the last couple of days, I thought I would give you a chance and let you spill when you'd be ready. But I feel like it's taking forever, and it's just too painful to wait. So… what's up ?" 

"How come you always see and know things before anyone ?" Christen answers, both scared and relieved by her friend's sixth sense. 

"I probably have something you don't have, that's for sure." she laughs, moving forward again, "But I appreciate you genuinely trying though." 

"So I guess I should spit it out then ?" Christen glances at JJ. 

The girl just shrugs and tilts her head on the side easily.

"Well…" Christen painfully admits, "I think I kinda like someone." 

"That's a lot of hesitation in one sentence.." Julie answers with a small smile. 

She doesn't say who though. She knows Jules probably has it all figured it out already anyway, but she doesn't articulate the name out loud.  
Instead she just gives her an encouraging nod. It's almost a silent pact that she won't reveal the identity of that someone and Christen is grateful for that. That's why she considered Julie a good friend : she never rushed someone. Not once she forced Christen to confess when she wasn't ready to. And Christen could only hope to be a good support to her in return.

"Does she kinda likes you back too ?" her friend asks hesitantly.

"Probably not. But without even considering that parameter, it can't happen. Because I don't know if I'm really into that person," she tries to expose the thoughts that were gnawing her, "Or if I'm just desperate, and using her as a pretext to not be alone again."

"Chris.." Julie's brows knit together, "Why would you do that ? You're out, even if you're not romantically involved with anyone, you're not alone, ..There's nothing to be afraid of, so why would you do that ? You're doing good, it doesn't make sense." 

And Christen just thinks about it for a minute.  
She wasn't scared to walk alone, she felt loved by her friends, she loved her team. Maybe Julie was right ? Or maybe by listening to her, Christen would end up doing the same mistake, hurting someone else in the process.

"But, I didn't consider myself 'lost' when I was with Vero at first neither." she resonates, trying to convince herself more than Julie. 

"Are you sure though ?" Julie focuses her gaze on her, " That you didn't ?"

Christen just absorbs her friend's words, almost letting Julie persuades her that it was that easy.

"You're in a much healthier place I think.." Julie pursues, "And, I mean you don't have to go to her immediately and start dating, in the optic that she feels the same way. But if you're attracted to her and not only in a physical way no matter how hard you try to distance yourself, maybe there's a reason."

"What if I felt lonely and I'm not into her, but just the idea of someone being there for me."

"So what, you pick the first person who comes along and then boom you like them ?" Julie retorts, "That's not how love works Christen."

"Nobody talked about love ?" Christen immediately turns to Julie, stopping her with her arm. 

"I mean not love but romantic feelings or whatever." Julie waves her hand in the air dismissively, "If that was the case, and you only needed someone, not her specifically, why aren't you dating Jenni ? She hit on you, and yet. Or Olivia ? You could have chosen anyone Chris. But you only showed interest for that one person."

And Christen goes silent. Because she knows. She instantly regretted saying that out loud, because she knew Tobin wasn't some random person she decided to like just because she was by herself. She knew that she didn't mean to be interested in her. It wasn't a choice, she didn't woke up one day and decided to feel things for her.

"Chris, you know all of that. You're just scared." Julie states after a few seconds, in a much softer tone now, "So why don't you trust your guts for once ?" 

Of course Julie was right. She always was. Christen was scared to death. And she tried to bury her confusing feelings about the girl since the day they met. But the truth was, she never experienced the things she experienced around Tobin with anyone else. And it was subtle at first, barely a pinch in her stomach, or a stare that lasted a millisecond too long. She wasn't even aware of it, but since that night, she couldn't fully ignore it anymore. She didn't know the nature of those feeling or how powerful they were, but there was definitely something.

She is about to prove Julie she hasn't lost her voice, but then her friend beats her and speaks again. 

"You can take time to be alone, and gather yourself. And of course you need to feel like you again, but don't find pretext to punish yourself Chris.." Julie grabs her by both shoulders, locking eyes with the brunette. 

And because sometimes words can not hold the depth of a moment, Christen choses silence and a meaningful stare to convey how thankful she is for their talk. Sometimes when spoken out loud, words seemed cheaper and hollow to them. It's an opinion that they shared and that's why a soft smile, only, gradually appears on Julie's lips. 

But now that Julie had confirmed that her worries were based on fear and completely invented to sabotage her own happiness, the fact that she had something for Tobin became real. It was no longer a small fantasy. And now she was actually becoming aware that she didn't stand a chance.

Sure they were close, but not that way. Tobin probably needed a good friend she could trust, since she was new and pretty idolized by most of the girls. She doubtlessly just saw their relationship as a "newbies should stick together" thing, nothing more.

"But I don't even think she likes me anyway," Christen finally gets out, "She doesn't even see me."

"How do you know ? Did you talk to her about how you felt at least ?" Julie wraps an arm around Christen's shoulders as they regain their previous pace.

"Kind of, but it was right after and my thoughts were obviously even more mixed up." Christen recalls, "But why would she'd be interested in me anyway ?" she whispers to herself.

 

_The day that followed their "almost kiss", her fearless self was long gone. The minute she woke up in her bed, the events of the previous night were the first thoughts popping into her head._  
_And at first, reminiscing the evening was great : having fun dancing, catching Tobin's eyes on her.. She even felt the ghost of Tobin's appealing lips still hovering over hers. But what she also remembered right away was Vero's voice.  
She didn't pay much attention to it in the club, or with Tobin later that night. But on Sunday, she did, and her sharp words kept ringing in her head like a constant warning. _

_And then the same thoughts she was now unloading to Julie, crept on her : What if she was incapable of being alone, and Tobin was another figure to hide behind. What if she was repeating what she did with Vero. What if she was so messed up that she absolutely needed someone to reassure her, completely preventing her to be okay on her own.  
What she felt when they were just about to kiss, or when she was around her was undeniable. But she couldn't trust one emotion, could she ? The thought that Tobin was just one among so many others fulfilling a role only was haunting her. But it perfectly reached logic at that time. And logic was 100 times more reliable than a stupid spark in her stomach._

_So when she saw Tobin on Monday, she acted on that belief. It wasn't going to be difficult or anything, Tobin certainly didn't even remember it anyway._

_The other girl had a bright smile plastered on her face, and she was looking at her with the most tender look ever. She was searching Christen's eyes every chance she had, and after a few failed attempts, she knew something was up. When the class ended, Tobin didn't let go though and jogged her way beside Christen._

_"Hey, wait." Tobin grabbed her elbow._

_"Hey." Christen just answered slowly._

_"I'll walk you to your next class, yeah ?" Tobin offered with a gentle smile._

_And Christen couldn't say no to this face. So they wandered quietly together in the hallway, between the thousands of students filtering rapidly. Until Tobin broke the unbearable silence._

_"About Saturday.." Tobin started, the usual string of confidence noticeable in her voice nowhere to be found._

_"I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't have done it." Christen rushed trying to avoid embarrassment, "I don't know why I did.."_

_"No no, it's fine. Really." Tobin stopped them and she didn't took off her hand from Christen's arm._

_Christen had looked up into hazel eyes, sparkly as ever, and found genuine care. And when her eyes traveled lower on the girl's face, she recognized the large smile that she had grown to love so much: Tobin was really okay with it.._  
_See that's what happen when you don't have emotional stability problems : you brush off an "almost kiss" that easily, she sermonized herself.  
But then some kid had jostled her, snapping her out of it._

_"Do you think you could just forget that I did it, please ?" Christen tried, "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or anything. I think the breakup and seeing Vero really perturbed me."_

_"No… I meant to apologize.." Tobin stammered a bit, "It wasn't the best idea, I know.. You just got out of a pretty tough thing and I pushed you. I didn't mean to confuse you.."_

_"Yeah right, but it's not your fault though," Christen let out a nervous laugh, "I think I really need to learn how to be alone and stop kissing random people at all costs."_

_And Christen cringed almost instantly at the words coming out of her mouth. She couldn't articulate her own thoughts, that was so embarrassing. She desperately wanted to take that back and just rephrase it in a way which actually didn't offend Tobin like that. But when she was about to dig herself in deeper, the girl with a snapback calmed her down._

_"Get it.." Tobin smiled softly at her, "More time on your own."_

_And Christen was way too ashamed to catch the meaning of that. Instead, she quickly excused herself and went into her class. Missing out the three words from that could have single-handedly changed Christen's perspective._

_"I will wait."_

 

Finally reaching their house after her talk with JJ, she felt so much lighter than when she left it the very same morning. Because, the thing was, for once, she was sure of her feelings.  
But she knew that maybe it would take time and maybe it wouldn't even happen. Or at least for an instant she did. 

*

There's 3 times that confirms what she knew deep down. That make her completely aware, deep in her guts, that she never felt that way with anyone and that she made a mistake. 

 

The first time it happens is a few days after her conversation in the hallway with Tobin. 

 

_The girl had kept her word and didn't brought up their moment again. They were back to being normal around each other, like it had never happened. So when Tobin didn't show up on Monday for their comm/speech course, Christen had texted her.  
And she hadn't expected an answer considering how bad the girl was at texting. But she was proven wrong only 2 minutes later. _

_**Tobin : glad you noticed I'm not here. I'm a bit sick, didn't felt like coming.. could you send me what I missed tho?** _

_And Christen had answered right away that she would stop by to give her the content of the day (and at the same time check on her)._

_When she had arrived though, the girl was asleep. And she was looking rather pale, wrapped in a beige blanket on the couch. So Christen had just dropped the photocopies and left as quickly as she arrived. She had gotten home to find a message from the girl._

_**Tobin : sorry I was pretty tired.. thanks for the notes, really** _

_The following day, she decided to stop by Tobin's once again, hoping the girl would be awake and feeling better.  
When she entered the living room, the girl with wavy hair was still wrapped in the same blanket, but this time, she was sitting up straight, looking at something on her phone. _

_"Hey there." Christen surprised her a bit._

_"Chris ?" Tobin turned her attention immediately, "I thought it was Alex! What's up, you're okay ?"_

_And Christen had felt guilty at the girl's reaction.  
Was it really that hard to believe that she just wanted to see how she was doing ? _

_"Yeah, I just wanted to see if **you** were okay." Christen answered slowly, walking closer to the sofa._

_"Yes, I'm better." Tobin articulated and the purest smile formed on her lips instantly at Christen's declaration._

_"So what's up ?" Christen grinned at the girl looking smaller in the big duvet._

_"Well..I was about to watch a movie," Tobin locked her phone, "but we can do something else now that you're here."_

_"Oh, no I was just passing by," Christen gave the girl a teasing smile, "I wouldn't want to catch what you have."_

_"Oh really ?" Tobin's tone matched Christen's one, "So aren't you standing a little too close then ?"_

_"Oh yeah you're right," Christen tried to hide her growing smile, "I think I could get in contact with germs if I stood there."_

_And Christen took a step back, but then glimpsing at Tobin's face for a second and spotting the mischievous smirk she was wearing, she instantly knew something was coming.  
That something was Tobin grabbing her by the arm and pulling her into her, without even standing up from the couch. Christen was trying her best to get out of the girl's hold, but Tobin had pretty strong limbs. She was playfully faking a coughing fit to tease Christen, and the curly haired girl was putting all her energy into hiding her face. _

_"Oh my god!" Christen was yelling, "Tobs, stop it!"_

_But how could her order be taken seriously when she was basically laughing hysterically into Tobin's embrace. Tobin couldn't stop roaring with laughter either, and her rapid breathing was starting to tickle Christen's neck urging her to squirm out of her arms even more._

_After a few more minutes of messing around, Tobin's attention was pulled by her phone. So Christen was about to get up from the girl's lap and free her. But Tobin just extended her arm and grabbed it on the small table in front of them. And instead of telling Christen to get off, she rested lightly her hands on her upper thighs, sat straighter and gazed at her screen above Christen's shoulder._  
_And suddenly, Christen was way too aware of Tobin's body pressed against her back.  
But she couldn't risk standing up and make things weird between them once again. The other girl was clearly unbothered by the gesture so why would Christen make it ambiguous?_

_So she tried her best to relax and just focus on the screen too.  
It was a notification from Instagram that had interrupted them a few seconds ago, and when Tobin had opened the app, she had seen a photo of some younger girl cheesing hard beside Tobin. _

_**"So nice to meet one of the best player of the uswnt!! #17"** _

_Christen read the caption out loud and when she tilted her head the slightest bit to get a glimpse of Tobin, she saw the softest smile on the girl's lips. It wasn't the cocky grin she was usually wearing. It was one of those smiles you couldn't hold back or hide. In fact, Christen wasn't even sure Tobin was aware of the blissful grin forming on her lips. She started typing a comment under the picture she was tagged in, cocking her head to get a better look at the screen, slowly grazing Christen's shoulder with her cheek in the process._  
_Christen tried to distract herself again from the burning spot on her skin, and took Tobin's phone from her fingers. And she expected protests but the other girl showed no sign of resistance and lowly leaned back on the couch instead.  
And so Christen allowed herself to fall back into her too, and finally relaxed on the girl's lap._

_"Found what you needed ?" Tobin asked with a hint of amusement in her tone, resting her chin on Christen's shoulder._

_"Oh my god you're such a celebrity." she mocked the girl, seeing all of the fan pictures Tobin was tagged in._

_"Chris stop it." Tobin laughed a bit sending chills in the back of Christen's neck._

_"What ?" Christen tried to push the teasing further, "Oh my god can I have a picture with you please?"_

_And Tobin was rolling her eyes even more to hide her smile, wrapping Christen's waist tighter with one arm unintentionally._

_"Tobin Heath?? My hero??" Christen laughed, agitating the phone in front of them, "A pic ? Please ?"_

_She opened the photo app, and snapped a few cliches of them giggling in a hurry. And Tobin kept trying to hide her face in Christen's neck, mumbling painfully some "stop". But it only encouraged the dark haired woman to keep going, ecstatic on Tobin's singular laugh.  
And after a few more fits of laughter, Tobin pulled herself together and in a swift move encircled both arms around Christen's, wrapping them both in her blanket and preventing Christen to use the phone again. _

_And that's precisely the first time she's aware of something tickling in her stomach. Here, wrapped into the girl, a few vanishing chuckles escaping their lips._

_And of course, it doesn't help when the same night, opening the app, she comes across a publication from the other girl (which doesn't happen very often). It was a picture she had taken when messing around earlier : Tobin had her eyes closed and her mouth wide open, while Christen had her head thrown back from laughing. She wasn't even tagged in the post, which was kind of weird. But under, she read the caption :_

_**"My favorite fan"** _

 

The second time it happens is for a total different reason. 

 

_Tobin still had some difficulties with the course they shared, so of course Christen had offered to help her out as long as needed._  
That's how Christen ended up waiting for her on a Thursday night, hoping the girl wouldn't be late.  
Turned out, at 7:00pm precisely, Tobin showed up at the front door. 

_"Hey." Christen smiled widely opening the door._

_And Tobin stood still on the doorstep, in a simple tee-shirt and jeans despite the days getting colder and the night appearing earlier. She seemed kind of disoriented, but when Christen was about to get alarmed, the girl with loose curls managed a faint smile. It was nothing compared to the ones she usually wore, but it was better than anything.  
Maybe she was just tired, Christen had thought at first. _

_So she tried to ignore the uneasy feeling that something was wrong, and led them to her room._

_"Want the desk or the bed?" she asked Tobin._

_"I'll take the desk, it's fine." she smiled weakly for the second time in 5 minutes._

_They studied apart for about 20 minutes. Christen was comfortably lying on her bed, her back on the headboard, legs crossed..All the conditions gathered for an efficient revision session.. But she couldn't focus. She couldn't, because Tobin hadn't turned on page of her book since she opened it. The girl was just staring at the words, a hand supporting her head. And Christen wasn't pissed or whatever, but if Tobin was that tired, why would she bother coming ?_

_"Tobin ?" she caught the girl's attention, causing her to turn her head immediately, "You know we can do it another day if you're tired."_

_Her tone wasn't harsh or dry.. So when Tobin just shook her head 'no' and struggled to give a smile for the third time, she knew it was something else._

_"Come here.." she whispered, almost as a question._

_And Tobin lowered her eyes on her hands on her lap for a second, before doing so. She stood before the edge of the mattress, looking at her feet like a kid waiting to be yelled at._

_"What's wrong Tobin ?" Christen tried, keeping her voice low._

_She watched Tobin clench her jaw, still not looking at her._

_"It's just.." she murmured, letting out a quick sigh._

_She stood there a few more seconds, and Christen could tell she was trying her best to pull herself together. Because she was biting her lower lips, as an attempt to prevent her features to betray her.  
So Christen gently reached for her arm and pulled her beside her without a word. _

_"You don't have to talk about it." Christen cooed, "Just come here."_

_So Tobin let Christen hold her. And Christen only caught a glimpse of Tobin's face before the girl hid in her neck, but she definitely spotted watery eyes. And it physically pained her : seeing her struggling to cover her sadness. So instead of pushing further, she decided to just stroke her hair, and stay still as long as she had to, internally praying that it wasn't that bad.  
But when Tobin spoke again after quietly sniffing, it was only to confirm what she feared. _

_"Today is a painful date.." she managed out, in a shaky but collected voice, "since I was 10."_

_Christen patted her back, to let her know she was still listening, not trusting her own voice. She was hoping to God that it wasn't what she thought. That Tobin didn't lose someone. That she didn't have to grow with a missing part in her life.  
But sadly, she was once again right. _

_"My dad.." she stated quietly breaking silence._

_"I'm sorry Tobin.." Christen forced a sound out, gripping the girl on her side tighter._

_And she won't say another word. Because she knew that it could never convey how sorry, how shattered she felt for Tobin. And she knew that words could never do justice to such raw and deep emotions. So she just firmly held Tobin for a few minutes, until the girl moved again._

_"You're not going to ask how ?" she tilted her head from below, brows furrowed, to scan Christen's face._

_Why would she do that ? Why would she ask something so offending at that moment ? And something in her chest clenched when she realized that this was probably something the other girl had been asked so many times; to the point where it was just routine now.._  
_How could people choose this timing to nourish their own morbid curiosity? she thought to herself.  
And she was about to answer when those deep wet brown eyes stared at her._

_"You're crying." Tobin barely voiced out._

_And it's when Christen's finger brushed her cheek that she sensed the wetness of a single tear._  
_She felt stupid really. Because the other girl was collected despite her glassy eyes. She wasn't crying, she wasn't sobbing. And yet she was the one hurting.  
So she wiped it off quickly, trying to erase what could be seen as a disrespecting behavior to Tobin._

_"I'm sorry.." she stuttered, "I didn't mean to. It's just painful to know you had to go through such a tough thing in your life. And this young…" she stopped her voice threatening to crack._

_But Tobin had her gaze fixed on Christen, and she wasn't even sure the other girl could see because her eyes were now damp._

_"Thank you for being you." she simply stated._

_And then, wiped off her eyes with her sleeve and put her head back on the bed._  
_That's how they spent the rest of the night, body pressed against each other, comfortably laying in Christen's bed.  
_ _Now, Christen could tell that what she felt no longer remained a spark in her stomach, but extended to her chest too._

 

And the third time it happens, is now, talking to Kelley. 

 

_Julie and her had just came back home earlier that evening, but entering her bedroom, Christen had found a familiar silhouette sitting on her floor against her bed._

_"Hey ?" she happily directed the girl._

_"Chris!" Tobin stood up, "Sorry to drop by like that, but I had something hanging in my room for a while. And I figured it was time to give it to you."_

_She watched the girl turn around and then spin around again with a rather big canvas.  
She had almost forgotten about it, but apparently Tobin didn't. So Christen excitedly grabbed it from Tobin's hands, turning it around, to admire the painted side. _

_When she let her eyes linger on the piece of art, she was pretty sure her eyes were as sparkly as the stars on it. It was a mix of blue, of black, and the millions shades in between, making the universe as breathtaking as it is. It was the sky. It was the stars. It was the whole universe. And it let her speechless._

_"Do you like it ?" Tobin smiled widely._

_"Do I like it ?" Christen didn't detach her eyes from the item, "It's amazing really. Oh my god. How much did it cost you? I have to pay you back! And I have to check his store!"_

_And Tobin watched her funnily, obviously amused by Christen's childish reaction._

_"It's fine." she brushed off easily, "But I have to ask though. Why the stars ?"_

_"Why not ?" Christen answered quickly, her smile still not disappearing._

_"Isn't it kind of cliché ?" Tobin tried slowly, seemingly scared of her own words._

_"Clichés are clichés for a reason." Christen smiled. And when she watched a smirk form on Tobin's lips, she rushed, "No, not because it allows you to get someone to sleep with you or whatever you perv."_

_"But because objects, phenomenons, or such referred as "clichés" are the only things that gets everybody to agree, it makes everyone see eye to eye. There are only a few things that all humans agree about, which is pretty extraordinary if you ask me, and when it happens, we all feel as deep, as much, and as clear." she elaborated passionately, "So why waste such a beautiful chemistry between humanity, only to look cooler. Clichés don't make us boring or classical, it testify that you're connected with your emotions, and what's around. And when those 2 wonderful conditions are gathered, amazing things happen. Of course if stars, and oceans, or the brush of her skin on yours doesn't make you quiver, you need to think deeper, and get attentive. That would mean that you're not focused, aware enough of the sounds, the smells, and how it synchronizes with the blood running through you vessel. Of course if you're not, how would it reach your heart and make it pulse in that case ?"_

_Tobin just stood there, grinning from ear to ear. And Christen felt like she got a bit carried away._

_"There you go!" Tobin's broad smile grew, "Now I can see why you like Rimbaud. Cause you're his heir."_

_"Shut up." Christen gently punched the other girl's arm._

_"But really though," Tobin slowly stopped her chuckling, "I'm only half joking."_

_"Yeah right." Christen laughed, "Wanna get something to drink ?"_

_"Yep, thanks." Tobin said._

_When she got to the kitchen, Christen found Kelley, head fully in a drawer._

_"Hey there." Christen laughed at her smaller friend._

_"Oh my god," Kelley jumped, "I was just tidying some stuff in there."_

_But when she turned around, Christen could very well spot the crumbs of chips all over her mouth.  
"Yeah right." Christen grinned. _

_"Don't smile at me! You know I'm pretty mad at you." Kelley suddenly crossed her arms over her chest._

_"What ?" Christen raised her eyebrows, "Why? What have I done again your Highness?"_

_"Tobin promised me she'd paint me a nice forest with a squirrel in a tree," the girl pouted, "but then I walk in here and what do I witness ? This little traitor with a perfectly finished painting but not for me. Not for me, nooo. For MRS Christen."_

And that's when her mind goes blank. Tobin painted it herself. Of course. She painted it, for her.  
She doesn't bother responding to Kelley, she goes back straight to her room. 

When she opens her door, she finds Tobin sitting on the floor again, her back resting against her bed. 

"Oh, and you know when you switch off the light," Tobin begins, pointing at the canvas, "it glistens still. It's like fluore…" 

But Christen stops her, because truly, she's not listening to a word she's mumbling. Instead she squats before her, sitting in her lap. And it immediately stops the flow of words coming out of Tobin's mouth.  
Christen wastes no time, softly resting a hand on Tobin's cheek caressing the soft skin. She only gets a second to register Tobin's confused eyes before she closes hers and leans in. She finally crashes their lips together and she swears it's the best decision she has ever made.  
It takes a few seconds to Tobin to move her own lips, but when she does, it comes with tenderness, care but also hunger and urgence.  
And when she finally places her hands on Christen's waist so so gingerly, she never wants to stand up.


End file.
